Peeping Polly Pocket

I'm borderline embarrassed to admit that I bought Cal a doll for his third birthday.  I had just found the book William's Doll at a garage sale, bought it, became obsessed with it & then got the bright idea that Cal needed a doll so he too could learn to be a good daddy someday.  Logical conclusion, no?! Needless to say, I thought Cal would think it was lame-o to get some crotchless, girlie doll with long hair to brush, so I researched the mess out of it online, discovered this little gem & knew I was golden.

Ahhhhh yes.  Meet "BB," Cal's anatomically correct boy doll!!! (His name choice, not mine.  I'd have gone with Percy, just for the high chance of mispronunciation & resulting entertainment alone.)

Winter 2001  ~  Cal, age 3  ~  You can thank me for posting this pic later, Son, and yes, this WAS your actual smile for a time there... we know, HIDEOUS indeed.  We'd have to actually TICKLE YOU a half-second prior to the picture being taken for a REAL smile.  WTF?!

BB, though certainly not Cal's *favorite* toy, became a toy he'd use mostly for imitating.  For example, if I changed Claire's clothes, he changed BB's.  If I rocked Claire, he rocked BB.  If I nursed Claire, he'd fake-nurse BB (I am SO not shitting you).  Hell, BB could even drink a bottle & piss (but he preferred the boob)!  My "become-a-good-daddy" plan was working!  At least temporarily... 

As Cal grew older, feeding and watching BB "drain the main vein" became far less exciting when he realized the magnitude of the work involved in taking care of a baby.  He didn't have time for that crap when he could instead be driving around his Little Tikes car or Hummer truck or shooting baskets in the driveway.  BB, his newly acquired doll stroller, his potty chair, his bottle, his change of clothes... well, suffice it to say, they became paperweights.  $65 down the shitter, dammit! 

Fast forward 11 years to the other night when we were downstairs as a family playing pool.  I spied BB & his stroller wayyyyyy up high on a shelf & decided it would be fun to pop Pocket into that stroller & take that dwarf for a spin!  Scott had a little too much fun zooming her around, as the wheels were about bust off that bad boy!  As you can see below, she was NOT amused (but we all were).  How the F can our 9 lb., almost 7 year old still fit in a DOLLY STROLLER?!?!?  I am SO taking her out in that to the mall next time I go.

"Am I in range to sack-tap this a-hole?  Let me check because it.  is.  ON."

After her little joyride, the rest of the fam resumed their game of billiards while Mrs. Pocket & I chilled on the couch.  I noticed BB had been deposited on the couch next to me.  I picked him up, remembered my clusterf*ck of a search for him a decade+ earlier, giggled & decided to remind myself (and my lap-mate, Lola) why he was so friggin' expensive fabulous.  

I cannot be held responsible for the series of events which unfolded thereafter, as it was COMPLETELY out of my hands.  Promise.

(Wish I had a way of viewing this as a flipbook, because that shit would be badass...)

Checkin' out BB's "set-up"

"I shouldn't be lookin' at this dude's magic stick..."

"But I can't look away!"

"I feel so dirtyyyyyy... but is that uncircumcised?  Just curious..."

"If ogling that shaft is wrong, I don't wanna be right."

"Makin' BB my bitch!"

"Suck it, MOTHERRRRR... my head IS bigger than this jaundiced jackass next to me."

"Isn't it???"

"I hate alllllllllllll of you!!!!!!!!  SO.  OVER.  THIS.  SHIT."

One word:  PERSONAL SPACE.  Wait, that's two...

"This fatty is boring me to tears."

"All he does is sleep.  I'm gonna have to teach this putz about pulling all nighters..."

"...and projectile vomiting...."

"...and fake crying to make it look like Claire's the bad sister."

"I am sooooo misunderstood, dammit!!!!"
And when are these friggin' chickenpox scars gonna go away?!  This is some BS."

"Maybe you are the only one who truly understands me, BB..."

"What am I saying?!?!?  F*ck this shit... AMF!!!"

"People in general are used to seeing me as the naughty girl because that's what they've always cast me as."  ~Eartha Kitt 

[NOTE:  No dwarves were emotionally scarred/shamelessly subjected to BB's exhibitionism thanks to the lovely Cortical Visual Impairment (CVI).  You're welcome.] 

xo

It's that time again...

Top 25 Funny Moms ~ 2013!

Apparently I'm a wee bit late to the party, so bip on on over (or is it bop?!) by clicking HERE & vote for Yours Truly every day until February 13!  Hoping for a repeat in 2013!

xoxo

Absent

I have been struggling to write this.  I haven't wanted to "go there."  I don't want to be Debbie Downer, I don't want to drag you all down with me, I don't want to put it out there to The Universe that things are "off," I don't want to perpetuate the whole "misery loves company" bullshit, I DON'T want to buy into the negativity/sadness/grief/worry/all of the above because honestly, NONE OF THIS is WHO I AM, but yet, I seem to be stuck... trapped in these emotions -- this hell -- right now & I so fear that if I DON'T talk it out and in a sense RELEASE IT, it might just stay this way.  And that's not an option for me.  AT ALL.

I have been absent -- absent on this blog, absent emotionally, and absent in relationships.  

I'm just gonna say it.  I've been scared.

I hate that feeling.  I hate it with everything inside of me because I feel so powerless & alone when I'm scared.  I feel agitated, angry and defensive about ALL I AM DOING.  I question everything, thus creating sort of an internal struggle within my own mind, perhaps the worst kind of struggle there is.  It is affecting my health & my well-being keeping this in.  I need to let it gooooooo.  I need to MOVE ON.

I'm scared to even admit I'm scared.

I just want Lola back. The old Lola. The one I didn't worry about so much.  The one without the NG tube, without chickenpox scars all over her body, with a healthy immune system, with her normal "irregular," Scott-aided shits & bizarre sleeping patterns.  I want to see her teensy smiles when I zoom her around the room & toss her up in the air gently like I used to do. I long to see her gain weight. I miss the old Lola so much it hurts.

I am really good at glossing over the shitty aspects of our girls' lives.  I don't get on Facebook or Twitter & spill it because for me, the thoughts & prayers that I'd receive make me feel pathetic, pitied, and like so much is so "wrong" with our girls.  I know this is strange/not the norm (big surprise there!), and I do tell a few people who are closest to me, but I just don't want to draw more attention to what most would view as a setback.  I can't do it for fear of reinforcing the very thing I hope to avoid.  

The pox were a bitch for my girl.  I have never seen of nor heard of a case this bad in all my life. It was brutal. A few scabs fell off her scalp TODAY (almost 3 months later), if that tells you anything.  Her poor face has too many scars to count, and I fear they aren't going to fade much except in color. It's heartbreaking to see.  I won't even elaborate on how the pox affected her eating/drinking, weakened her immune system tremendously, made her cry inconsolably off and on for weeks, & affected her personality dramatically.  I will focus on the fact that SHE (we?!) SURVIVED THIS as well as two subsequent viruses following the pox.

My girl is STRONG. SO VERY STRONG. (And THIS is what I want people to know about her!  Not how sick she's been, how she's been thinner than maybe I've EVER seen her, that the NG tube stayed down 3 weeks until it inexplicably fell out New Year's Eve night (shit got wild, yo... kidding!), that she is eating "normally" now but her weight isn't coming back up yet, and there just are no words to explain how terrified this makes me.  I won't go there with how we've talked about a g-tube for her until we're blue in the face but no matter how much we try to convince ourselves it's "the way to go," we both feel that even subjecting her to anesthesia might be the biggest mistake of our lives. I hate that I am worrying about her ability to handle a simple surgery as a 9 lb., almost 7 year old. WTFFFFFFFF.)

I KNOW it's all gonna be fine.  Really.  (Or maybe I don't?)  Every day I assess her situation thoroughly -- are her eye/arm bones showing less than they were a day or even a week ago?  Is she eating enough?  Did I miss any supplements?  Is the most recent cold/virus gone?  Diaper rash better?  Blowing out diapers still?  Hair any thicker (she lost so much from the pox)?  Mood better?  It's f'ing ridic.  I just wish instead of all that shit I could assess her for how HAPPY she is, how much she is enjoying her life, how much she is getting to do/experience & how much LOVE she is being showered with.  Because to me, that is what matters SO MUCH MORE.

It's just so hard to maybe overlook the negatives for fear I'll miss something... or downplay something I maybe shouldn't downplay.  I just want to be absent -- from fear and worry.  Forever.  And I know that is unrealistic, but dammit, I SO want that.

These fragile moments just put it all back into perspective for me.  I should probably be grateful for that.

"When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?''' ~Sydney J. Harris

We got this, Lola.  We got this.

xo

Happy Holidays from The Hartley Hooligans!

Wishing you all a very Happy Holidays, and may 2013 be your best year yet!

All pictures taken by Gavin Peters  ~  We thank him for not only capturing the true essence of our family, but also for the massive chickenpox scar removal he did on the above pics of the kids!  We love you, Gavin! 

Thank you for following and loving our family & for your continued support of The Hartley Hooligans!

xo

Blog updates!

Just a quick note... I updated the tabs along the top of the blog.  I added a "Cal" tab (about f'ing time!) & spiffed up the girls' tabs & the "Contact" tab as well.

Click the following to view each of the new tabs (or if you are on your computer, click above!):

CAL

CLAIRE

LOLA

CONTACT

19 days till Christmas & I'm freaking the F out because I have soooooo much left to do.  Presents to still plan for, buy, wrap, & ship and most importantly, the house to decorate.  Thanks to our neighbors, I'm thinkin' about bustin' out something along THESE LINES...

Happy Holidays from The Hooligans!

xo

Fourteen

Today my baby turns fourteen.

14!

How is that even possible?!?!? Wasn't it just yesterday that Cal learned to walk & the first steps he took were to his basketball goal so he could dunk the ball?  Wasn't it just yesterday he was driving around in his Little Tykes car & backed it up to Daddy's huge cargo trailer hitch as if he'd been backing cars all his life?  Wasn't it just yesterday he traded his 4 binkies (1 for sucking, 3 for sniffing!) for a huge truck with a trailer at Toys R Us? Wasn't it just yesterday he pulled down his shorts in public to show he was officially wearing "big boy pants" now?!  I swear it feels like yesterday that he was in the shower with Daddy when I opened the drafty door and Cal yelled out, "Close the door! It's sucking cold in here!!!" (He said an S for an F at that age!  OMG.  So proud!!!) Time has literally flown by so fast... and I must say, if it weren't for Claire & Lola showing us what really mattered, I might have taken these days, these YEARS for granted.  So thankful I did not.

I am so incredibly proud of you, Cal.  You are the most thoughtful person I know, incredibly hard-working, dedicated to your sport/academics/music, always there for everyone, and you value the beauty that comes with being different & unique because of your sisters. You make me laugh every. single. day. Your sense of humor & smart ass ways never cease to cheer me up when I most need it, and I thank you for that. You truly are my "heart walking around outside my body." I am so in awe of you ~ how strong you are & how wise beyond your years you've always been. I hope you know how much I love you now & always, Cal.

First day of 8th grade  ~  2012-2013

Don't drop me, a-hole.  I GOT THIS!

Mmmmm... Cheddar Bay.  Come to Papa!

Claire & Cal

Go Thunder cheerleaders!
(Sure are some pretty girls over there!)

I even love you with pox.

I'm blaming the pox/fever/deliriousness for this action!
#moveovermagicmike

Brylee & Cal at the WSU game  ~  GO SHOCKS!

Cal & Lola  ~  12:00 am on December 1, 2012
Don't judge me that they're still up.  It's a Friday night, bitches!  We had to ring in Cal's big day with hugs!

I love you with everything in me, Cal. Happy 14th Birthday, Son. 
"Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven." ~Henry Ward Beecher
xo

Halloween 2012 Recap

Thanks to The Great Herpes Clusterf*ck of weeks past, this year's Halloween put us in a poxy predicament.  Here's why...

By October 31st, Lola's chickenpox had scabbed over, thus meaning she was no longer contagious. (I just used "thus" -- probably incorrectly -- in a sentence!  BOOM!) It had been 17 days since she'd first gotten them, and since incubation for the pox is 10-20 days on average, I was crossing my fingers HARD that Cal & Claire would not also contract them -- at least not until AFTER Halloween. Cal had plans with his girlfriend/friends, and Claire & Lola had AWESOME costumes to show off 'round our 'hood. SURELY they were immune. SURELY. Cal had been exposed countless times during elementary school and never gotten chickenpox.  And he brought those same germs home to Claire, and she hadn't gotten them either.  With the hell I'd been through with Lola, part of me was praying (selfishly) that I wouldn't have to endure that shit a second & third time, but if it meant lifetime immunity for both of them (which they'd receive at the next Tribal Counsel... Ha Ha!), I would gladly buck up & do it. I had wine in-house. I'd be fine. Probably.

The day before Halloween, Claire had a suspicious bump on the back of her neck.  I pushed and prodded that bad boy, examined it up close, shone a flashlight on it, and at first, it DID look like chickenpox. Then it appeared to pop, so I was almost SURE she had herpes pox also. I expected exponential pox growth within the next 24 hours, as I'd seen with Lola, but it didn't occur. Maybe it wasn't the pox? Halloween came, and she still just had that same little red spot.  It did re-blister, but she didn't have any new spots, so I wondered if she wasn't one of those lucky people who only got a handful of pox.  I obsessively checked her all Halloween day, still not seeing ANY new spots.

5:00-ish pm rolled around, and I began thinking about getting her dressed in her costume just in case trick-or-treaters dropped by early.  I stripped her down only to see 7-8 faint, red bumps which had appeared on her chest & arms.  I dropped a hefty F-bomb, yelled for my Mom, and showed her the damage. Scott & I had several people coming over, Cal had people coming over, last year we had around 200 trick-or-treaters, and I now had a "highly contagious" child in the house?  What now?!

I went ahead & got Claire dressed.  Scott, Cal & Cam (Cal's BFF) came home after basketball practice, Cal jumped in the shower to get ready, and I showed Scott all of Claire's spots. We decided to keep Claire-bug corralled in an area and just keep Cal & his friends away from her. Or maybe we'd shove their asses outside to trick-or-treat wayyyyy beyond the age they should to keep them away from the germies.  We were still debating our options when Cal came out of the shower shirtless & screams, "MOOOOOOOMMMMMM!  COME HERE NOW!!!!!!"

Yep, the boy had "the clap," too.

You have GOT to be f*cking kidding me.

Kill me nowwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, we called Cam's parents to come pick him up, cancelled with the girlfriend/friends, and Cal was put on lockdown. Claire & Lola still dressed up, as we couldn't NOT partake in the festivities. We kept them at a safe distance & didn't allow any trick-or-treaters to enter our disease-ridden confines. They were allowed to view the dwarves through our glass front door only. Quarantines always make for good times.

Wiggin' out with Scabby

Cal, pissed as hell, cancelling all his plans via text.
Cam, relying heavily on his Varicella vaccine, attempting to cheer Cal up, as a true wingman should.

Back in black, babyyyyy!

Romeo, in honor of Stearman Field (our badass, local airport/restaurant), workin' the airplane get-up...

I hate you.  All of you.  I am going to air-raid your entire bed with runny turds & vomit later.

I will dive-bomb you in your sleep and gnaw out your carotid artery Mach 5 if you don't get this smug asshole off my back, bungholes.

And now... for the moment you've been waiting for... the pièce de résistance...  

I present to you... Lobster Lola & Chef Claire!

Notice Romeo still pouting in the background.  Once we removed his propeller, his mood improved slowly.  He even raced in & out of the doggie door at full speed shortly thereafter, costume still mostly intact -- yet wings now bent to hell!  

Thanks to my girl, Amber Keeton, for the nifty lobster get-up!  It was PERFECT!

Sous Chef, Pre, awaiting orders...

Thanks to Joy at Noni's Closet for the INCREDIBLE, custom-made chef costume!!!
Be sure to click on the above link to check out her Etsy shop!

The Spotted Spiny Lobster (Panulirus Guttatus) is found mostly in Bermuda & Kansas, in case you didn't know.
(DAMN POX!!!)  

Scott's favorite picture... Mimi looks so rebellious stirrin' & boilin' her sister up!

My dearest apologies & sympathies to our beloved, incredible, amazing, like-family babysitter, Tracey, who (little did she know) would contract the chickenpox the very next day, thanks to the Hooligans' herpes.  WE.  SUCK.
We love you VERY MUCH, Trace, & we are SO grateful for ALL you do for us & the girls!!!  xoxo

I leave you with this... a viewer-friendly, censored-up, Instagram-filtered version of the Hooligan hoopla for the past 4-5 weeks (you're welcome for not showing "the worst of the worst"). Thank God for Cinemax HD (during daytime hours, you pervs!), oatmeal baths, Benadryl, our naturopath, chiropractor, & homeopathic doctor who gave us natural antivirals/immune boosters, and for technology in the form of my iPhone ~ which thanks to texting my BFF, discovering SongPop & reaching out to my peeps on Facebook for support, I was able to avoid checking into the nuthouse by now. Love you guys. SO MUCH.

Here's to a HEALTHFUL holiday season!!! 

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."  ~Chinese proverb

xo