TEN

Today you are 10 years old, my darling Lola. I can barely wrap my mind around the fact that you have graced this earth with your sassy presence for a decade now.  How can that be?  Is it that whole time warp thing I have discussed many times before?  Is it true what people say about time passing so slowly when you're young and then as you grow up, it flies by in the blink of an eye? Not even gonna admit that time has flown by because I am old, because I'm still super young and spry, right?  (Dadgummit, who uses the word "spry" anymore?!  If you answered "the elderly," imma fixin' to tar & feather ya'.  Hell's bells!)

Ten.

Ten fingers and ten toes that I didn't even count the day you were born.  Somehow, it seemed so unimportant.  All that mattered was that you were here and breathing and alive.  I cannot tell you how frightened I was the day my water broke, one month before your due date.  All I'd heard your entire pregnancy was that no one knew what the future held.  They weren't sure if you'd be similar to Claire or different.  They weren't sure if you would survive the birth or have major complications. I was asked to answer questions that I was not ready to have to answer about resuscitating you, intubating you, and saving your life.  The answer was always YES, Lola.  Please do all you can, just as you would if she were "typical," I told the doctors.  I hated that word -- "typical" -- because you and your sister were anything BUT typical, and the opposite felt so negative, harsh and unknown.  I prayed every single night for you, sweet girl.  I cried and bargained with all Higher Powers to shave years off of my own life if they'd spare yours. 

Ten.

Ten sonograms.  Ten chances to see you before your birth.  Ten reassurances that you were still alive and stable.  Ten opportunities to fall in love with you even more.  Ten times I prayed that somehow, miraculously, you'd be healed.

Ten sonograms = The number of sonograms necessary for me to realize that you didn't need healing.

You were already everything I had hoped and prayed for.  Your tiny, malformed brain would not define your life or determine your worth.  You were here to experience life just as you were.  The only person who needed to change was ME.  

Ten.

Ten perfect birthdays that we celebrated on your behalf.  Ten special days I wasn't sure I'd get with you just ten years ago.  It is mindblowing all we have been through over the course of the last decade.  Choosing the pictures below really took me back.  It allowed me to remember and sit for awhile with each passing year.  Oh, we have come SO FAR, baby girl.  You have proven time and again that you want to be here.  Thank you so very much for choosing to stay.

Unicorn crown from Nova Sky's Co.
A huge thank you to Fatima Lee for sending this beautiful crown to our sweet, magical Unicorn Princess.
(And one to Claire, also!)

A peek back through the past ten years...

2006

The day of your birth... You were -- and still are -- so perfect, Lola.

2007

This picture reduced me to tears immediately upon seeing it.  I am 100% convinced that the siblings of individuals with special needs are some of the most incredible, considerate, compassionate, loving people on the planet.  Cal has always been everything his little sisters needed.  From the day both of them were born, he loved them unconditionally as only their big brother could.  His ability to see past differences, accept people for who they are, and love with his whole heart has inspired me more than he could ever know.  I could never have survived Lola's diagnosis without his wisdom.  I am so honored to be called "Mom" by these three children of mine.

Possibly my favorite baby picture of Lola EVER!  This is what she thought of therapy toys back in '07!

2008

Notice Cal trying to help Lola blow out her candles?
<SWOON!>

Birthday Princess!

2009

All the cousins!

2010

2011

2012

2013

Post chicken pox.
These pictures were hard to see.  She was SO. THIN.  Notice she is wearing the same dress as in the top picture above, but she literally swam in it.  It is a 6-12 month size (thanks, Jessica!), and at age 7 above, she had lost so much weight due to being ill that she could barely wear that size.  Heartbreaking to see where she was, but we are so grateful for the progress that has been made the past three years!  Lola is seriously the strongest person I have ever known.

2014

#IDFWU

2015

2016

Drop that knife, OJ Mrs. Pocket!!!

#CashandLola

Lola, Kerby, Cal & Claire  ~  Prom 2016

Ten.  

Ten times I kissed you, through tears, just now after reading you this post.  Ten tears streaming down my cheeks.  Ten "I love you's."  Ten seconds of eye contact after telling you that you are the most perfect third child I could have ever asked for in this life, just as you are.  

Happy 10th Birthday, Mrs. Pocket.  I love you to the moon ten times and back.

xo

Thankful Thursday

This summer quite possibly might have been one of our busiest on record.  We have traveled multiple times each month, which basically means I spent most of my time packing & unpacking (or refusing to unpack since I'm just gonna have to pack that shit again in a few days so I struggle through working out of suitcases in every room of the house & bitching because of it) and doing laundry.  Yep, I'm back, bitchezzzz.  Run-on sentences and all.  I am going to try to make a conscious effort to post more often.  I know, I know... I've said this before.  And I think I've figured out why I haven't been able to deliver on this promise.  

Perfectionism.

I don't know why, but in my head, it's like each & every post has to be off-the-charts moving/f'ing hilarious/touching/uplifting/full of messages about life & how we cope & find our joy & blah blah blah.  I don't know... I don't want to disappoint myself, not do my family justice, bore my readers, talk about the same stuff over & over, etc.  Pretty sure I need to get over it/myself/these feelings & just fucking WRITE.  I always feel so happy & fulfilled when I do.  So if you see me bein' all absent & shit, remind me of this, please.  You guys rock so hard.

(And WTF is up with my potty mouth?!?!?  It's like I've got 1.5 months worth of obscenities all pent up, waiting to burst out & burn through your retinas.  And for this, I apologize.  Sort of.  But not really.  :)

I'm thinking I should do a Thankful Thursday post every week because God knows I have SO much to be thankful for, and I would far rather focus on that than anything else.

This Thursday, I am thankful for those of you who choose to put up with my profanity  love me despite my stories about sharting  follow The Hooligan 5.  I wanted to give a shout-out & a great big thank you to a few special people today whose incredible generosity touched my heart greatly.

First off, I was elated to see that Lauren P. from Cali sent me five absolutely friggin' awesome g-tube pads for Claire. Skulls + pink bows + sparkle = badass perfection! Claire's been rockin' them in honor of her homegirl, Kendall (Lauren's daughter who also has a g-tube) & her twin sister, Khloe.  Much love & thanks from me and my "Mimi!"

The same day I received the g-tube pads, an anonymous reader sent me following handwritten note:

Made.  My.  Day.
THANK YOU for your kindness.  It really means SO MUCH.

During the same time frame, another reader (Julie F. from WI, you know who you are!!!) contacted me about crocheting some hats for our girls. I have a bit of a hat obsession which is complicated a WEE BIT by the fact that my girls have very tiny, irregular-shaped heads.  Julie was sweet enough to ask me specific measurements & custom make hats to fit both girls.  She also threw in matching custom-sized, crocheted leg warmers (pics to come this fall!) & handmade hair bows. Our girls feel so special & spoiled!!!  Please check out Julie's Facebook Page when you get a chance -- she is so talented & awesome to work with. Prepare to drool over her DARLING hats below...

I am obsessed with this picture of Claire... she looks SO twelve & SOOO beautiful.

SUPER embarrassed she needs a chin strap... ha!

Julie, you have outdone yourself, and we SO appreciate you taking the time to make these precious gifts for Claire & Lola.  THANK YOU.  The girlies send you big, wet, slobbery kisses!!!

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder."

~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

I am so very grateful for the love & support I get from everyone who follows our family and this blog.  I cannot thank you enough for the kind words, thoughtful messages, and all the positive mojo you send our way on a daily basis.  

xo