Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Balls. Busted. (If he had any)

I want to take a moment to talk about our year & a half old whippet "puppy" (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt), Cash. If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram or even Twitter (shameless plugs... CHECK!), then you know that Cash is the coolest, sweetest, most amazing, loving, nurturing, comforting dog on the planet toward our girls, right?  He is THE BEST.  No lie. I friggin' love this dog. SO MUCH. 

(Side note:  I was teary the other day for reasons I won't go into, & Cash followed me into the bathroom when I peed & licked my tears and nuzzled me while on the head. I swear God knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he put this dog into my family & my heart.)

Cashy is also quite quirky & silly & goofy & makes me laugh & smile too many times a day to count.

So, know that I am totally not even shitting you when I say that he has ingested and/or partially eaten and/or destroyed beyond recognition the following items since arriving at The Hooligan household:

  • My favorite hair brush
  • 29 cloth, reusable g-tube pads which cover/protect/absorb stomach juices from Claire's feeding tube stoma
  • Our $100 universal TV remote (Oh, and I spied the volume up & down button as well as several others amidst his feces a day or two later.)
  • One AA battery (which somehow miraculously passed through his intestinal tract along with the rest of the turds without eroding in his belly)
  • 2 of my most favorite, comfy black Reef flip-flops (one each from 2 different pairs & yes, this includes the replacement pair & no, I didn't save the "survivor" from the first pair for Chrissakes, though lesson learned on pair #2!!!)
  • Several ball point pens
  • My super sexy Victoria's Secret bra
  • Multiple burp rags which contained remnants of Lola barf
  • Shit tons (pun intended) of dog poop - his own and others'
  • Baby & adult bunnies, and I do NOT mean stuffed, unfortunately (Do NOT get me started on the baby that I held while it took it's last breath... O.  M.  G.  Cash topped my Shit List for a month after that one.)
  • Scott's brand new white Adidas hat
  • The dropper lid of a homeopathic remedy bottle
  • One hair bow
  • Cal's favorite UnderArmour game shirt
  • Too many stuffed dog toys to count, including the "indestructible" ones made of fire hose
It had been a few months since Cash's last offense, and I was beginning to think he had outgrown his evilness puppyish ways. However, last night, sometime between the hours of 3:30 pm and 11:30 pm, our "sweet" boy also ingested my orthodontic lower retainer which I got my junior year of high school (suffice it to say it's at least twenty ten years old). Yes, the old school kind with a whole bunch of sharp wires sticking out, made of hard, rainbow-colored plastic. 

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot!!!!! 

"Dogs are great.  Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all."

John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love With the World's Worst Dog

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