Thursday, May 23, 2013

Only Love

Once again, I have been absent.  I hate disappearing for long stretches of time, not updating on the girls, not sorting through my own shit by writing (as it always helps me SO. fucking. much.), not giving more thought to processing all that is on my plate (platter?!), not delving deeper into this crazy mind o' mine.  I just have not been able to go there, and I'm not sure why.  Maybe it is just too painful, too difficult, too personal... I don't know.  But for my absence, I apologize.

I was gonna come here a month ago and work though my own decision making process regarding Lola's health.  I was gonna tell you about turning points, the desperation I feel, how ALL CONSUMED I am at this point trying to make these important, enormous decisions regarding her care/life/health that I feel VERY underqualified to be making by myself.  I was gonna talk about how I've literally had to "let go, let God" even though I am not a super religious person (though I do consider myself to be very spiritual, if there is such a difference).  I was gonna tell you how out of control I feel most days, how these feelings are even carrying over into my dreams, should I be lucky enough to get to sleep.  How this need to "save every life, salvage the situation, optimize the hell outta EVERYTHING" mantra is literally ruling my life 24/7.  

I was gonna tell you all about Lola's gargantuous big girl teeth coming in behind her teeny tiny lower baby teeth & how they've not fallen out yet & she is seizing more & miserable & crying & sleeping even less, if that was remotely possible. (And sadly, I can tell you -- IT IS POSSIBLE.  Try 30 minutes of sleep a night, broken into 2-3 minute spurts. With your hubby/pass-off person out of town for 4 days/nights, 5 weekends in a row.)

I was gonna tell you about the fact Claire has a 12 year molar (Isn't that right?  Too exhausted to Google...) coming in on her top right gums that is making her drool & seize & not sleep her usual 18 hours a day, but how she continues to be her sweet, spunky self and shower her tired Mom with her darling smiles & precious glances.  And how due to her teething (or not!), she can seriously out-fart ANY grown man, ANY day of the f'ing week.  Already.

I was gonna tell you about our incredible project involving Make-A-Wish, the new therapy tub, and more (details to come!)... how unbelievably grateful & appreciative & slightly guilty this makes us feel... how we almost feel "not worthy"... how no amount of "THANK YOU's" seem like enough, how life-changing this is/will be for our girls' lives, how phenomenal of an organization this truly is & how someday we hope to give back to other families as they have given to us.  Somehow, some way.

I was gonna tell you about the end of an era, Cal graduating from 8th grade, now officially a high schooler, how he will be freshman Class President & made the Drumline & how hard he has been busting his ass at the sport he loves.  I was gonna tell you how incredibly proud I am of him for not only putting in time on the basketball court but also for earning straight A's his entire schooling experience to date.  I was gonna tell you how hard it is to think about him leaving home in 4 years, how our house will feel so empty with him gone, how awesome-yet-alone-feeling it is to see him become so independent, how completely terrifying it is to think of him driving, how my eggs feel like they're pretty much all in his basket as far as pretty much EVERYTHING in concerned (far too emotional to discuss this any further at this point)...  I was gonna elaborate on my feelings, my sadness, my emotions, my worries, my deepest fears... but I can't.

I was gonna tell you about Scott & how proud I am of him for sacrificing so much for our family, working tirelessly at his trade, traveling all over the U.S. to sell his art/earn a living/do something he loves, & for being my perfect equal/my better half/my soulmate/my best friend on the planet for so incredibly long that I cannot even remember life before him.  I was also gonna tell you how tomorrow is our 16th anniversary & how it still feels like just yesterday that we said "I do" & that I became his wife.  And how I cannot WAIT to spend another 16 years+ making each other happier than we could ever know.  

I was gonna tell you about my old dog, Pre, who will be 16 in a month who was never supposed to live past probably age 10 because he was thought to have multiple cancers but he survived & thrived & is so strong & beautiful & sweet & did I mention STRONG?!?!?  I was gonna tell you how I'm seeing him fail here & there and how heartbreaking it is to witness such a perfect life transition wayyyy before I'm ready for that to occur... I was gonna go into details about how a tiny part of me died when his sister, Halley, died a few years ago, and I'm not sure at this stage of the game that I'm strong enough to lose him, too.  I was gonna tell you how fragile & delicate life seems lately, and how the thought of another lost life makes me want to scream and cry and curl up in the fetal position and stay there until I cannot cry one more fucking tear.

Halley & Pre
I was gonna tell you about our puppy, Cash, his ruptured ACL at age 5 months, his ability to ingest shit that is CERTAINLY not digestible and his apparent super-canine trick of PASSING said undigestible material & coming out stronger/ballsier/feistier than ever before.  I was gonna mention the $120 universal remote he ate & the fact that as Cal scooped poop one day, he located our volume + and volume - button protruding from the shit.  I was gonna detail out that he also devoured not only my favorite pair of $40 Reef flip flops (just one), but also 3 Squish pillows, 26 g-tube pads, a ballpoint pen, the squishy top off a homeopathic remedy bottle, Cal's favorite UnderArmour shirt, my favorite hair brush, 2 beach towels, a AA battery (which passed with ease, though ended up slightly rustier than before), one of Lola's bibs, Scott's lucky Adidas hat & a flashlight.  I was gonna tell you how when he does these things, he makes me soooooo angry & I may or may not tell him he is a total shithead but how one apologetic, white-eyed glance from this pooch MELTS ME & makes me forget it all & reminds me of all the love and happiness that he brings to our family on a daily basis, both humorous as well as mischievous.

I was gonna tell you about the 417 emails in my personal inbox, most of which require some sort of a response.  And the unfinished shitstack of notes on my desk of things I need to do but cannot find time to complete.  And the 3 blinking messages on my answering machine.  And the 14 voicemails saved in my inbox on my iPhone for months now.  And the 93 messages in my Facebook inbox.  And the countless notifications that come through via Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, etc. on a daily basis, all of which I read & respond to in my head but cannot find the time to ACTUALLY respond to.  And the MANY texts from friends about getting together & phone calls & invites & commitments & graduations & weddings & babies being born... and how inadequate I feel about not being able to keep up with my day-to-day life enough to even keep in touch with all these people -- YOU! -- who are so thoughtful & caring in my life & who DESERVE my response, but how unable I am to find time to even SLEEP or process Lola's situation or my own situation & attend basketball games & art shows & appointments & yearly physicals two years late (!) & meetings with IEP teams & accountants & new doctors & potential future doctors & nurses & entire TEAMS of people here to help me & my girls.  Here I am struggling to even find time to take a dump & eat & exercise & sleep more than 30 min. a night but I SOOOOO want to be all things to all people.  I was gonna tell you all about how I feel I am half-assing my ENTIRE LIFE every. & I fucking HATE THAT SHIT because that is SO not who I am.

I was gonna tell you how much I rely on being connected -- my computer, iPhone, texting, emails, phone calls -- and how much I wish I didn't have to live this way sometimes.  How I love that I can reach people at the drop of a hat but how sometimes I just need to not be reached.  How guilty I feel that sometimes I "escape" on my phone to play a game or try to clear 7 emails while at a stoplight (shhhh!) or respond to that text from 3 weeks ago & in doing so, sometimes I neglect my immediate family.  I was gonna tell you about feeling torn & priorities & finding the balance.

I was gonna tell you about my family's brush with a tornado on Sunday, how completely powerless we felt, how I've never before in my life been certain we would be hit since the 1991 Andover tornado which missed our house by 1/2 mile until this day, how the 30 min. of sleep the night before -- though clouding my judgment & making me more emotional -- felt so trivial, how all my fears/worries/concerns about Lola completely paled in comparison to the potential seriousness of the situation at that moment.  I was gonna tell you about answered prayers, feeling watched over, & my faith.

But my delay in updating coupled with tragedies of late makes all of the shit I mentioned above seem really insignificant.  I am refocusing here, putting emphasis where it is most needed, sending prayers to our neighbors to the south (2.5 hours away), and remembering what is really important today.  We have each other.  Nothing else.  Only love.

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