Thursday, May 31, 2012

FTS o'clock

(This post was written in the early morning hours of Monday, May 28, 2012.  On my iPhone.  In bed.  As I waited for Polly Ann to cut the horseshit so I could *FINALLY* go the F to sleep.)

It is f*ck this shit o'clock in the morning (actually 6:00 am) and I have been up against my will with our girls for the past 45 minutes. Why, you ask?  Let me lay it down for you...

I was sleeping the sleep of angels when I was forcefully woken up by Polly Pocket who was seizing in my arms and barfing all over my chest (after a mere 2.5 hours sleep).  This was followed by a half-asleep, frantic clean-up in the dark until I realized the enormity of the "damage."  My anger frustration was quickly & quietly drowned out by the muffled sound of Claire sort of ummm... grunt-whining?!  Wait, key word here is MUFFLED.  F'in A.  That usually spells D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.  I quickly turned on the light, attempted to "clean up" the barf, hurriedly toweled myself off (while still holding a spewing Lola, whose fallout would not be completely discovered until later) & then leaned over Scott (bumping him enough in the process to further jack up his thrown-out, sore, zingy back, thus causing him to scream out) to assess the beanbag situation on the floor on his side of bed to find AN EMPTY BEANBAG WITH CLAIRE NOWHERE IN SIGHT. (After her previous base-jumping escapades, our daring Mimi is no longer allowed on the bed unless being held in our arms.  :)
What did I do?  I'm innocent.  And perfect.  And sooooo cute.
I quickly put barfing Lola down only to spread more puke everywhere. I sprinted around to Scott's side of the bed, and I *STILL* didn't see Claire. WHERE WAS SHE?!?!?  I played Follow-The-Feeding-Pump-Cord only to find her UNDER THE BED on her tummy, doing push-ups, one after the other, still covered up, wide awake, and each time she reached her top form, her head hit the underside of our bed frame, which caused her to lower herself back down onto her chest and rinse/repeat over and over again. WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!?!  I could not recreate or make this shit up if I tried.  My girl was grunt-whining because she was completely exhausted from God-knows-how-many push-ups (with resistance... ha!) during the early morning hours.  Suck on THAT, Tony Horton.

Dramatization of the event takes place below and contains Claire's super fierce stunt double, Cal.
Beanbag has been removed, feeding pump/bag not hooked up, and the light has been turned on to fully reveal "Claire's" final destination in the early morning hours of May 28, 2012.

Reenactment shows our victim, "Claire," in "her" full upright extension push-up, knocking "her" head on the underside of our bed.  Note the tucked-in thumbs, full lay-out prone position, and painful, frustrated grimace as a result of "her" newfangled mobility.  I am nominating this actor for an Emmy for his stellar performance in this dramatization.  Well done, Cal.  Well done.
Mid-rescue, Lola barfed 3 more times (which each time required me to leave Claire and hightail it back around to my side of the bed to hopefully rub Lola's nose fast enough to stave off impending puke.  Yeah, good times.  I was very disappointed it was only a 4-burp rag fiasco, down from her usual 8-10 in a 5-minute span.  What... a slacker!!!).  After 3 round-the-bed-back-and-forths, order was restored, though sleep was still far out of my reach (much like my daughter just was) due to Dwarf #2 who is, I'm pretty sure, NOCTURNAL (I swear I heard her "whooooing" earlier -- no lie) and only able to sleep semi-long stretches between 6-7 am through 10-11 am (+/-  3-4 hours... hahahaha!  Do the math on that one), which isn't feasible/healthy/sane for 99% of the population who reside on Planet f*ckin' Earth. 

It is damn near 7:00 am now, the sun is up, I am starving, the dogs are stirring, Scott's snoring like a mofo, Claire is passed out post-workout and doing her darling little sleep sucky-sucky sounds, Lola is still awake and now arching/grunting/"sticking it to me," and I am half-awake/borderline super pissed/ULTRA-PROUD of my apparently mobile Claire (!!!) but not the least bit rested, dammit.

Suck it... I mean... give me some space... ummmm... hold me... no, don't touch me EVERRRR... I hate you but you KNOW I love you but don't really know what I want because you are an a-hole, I mean, ummmm, my awesome MOTHERRRRR.
GAHHHHHH (said in her best Napoleon Dynamite voice)!!!!!!

Sleep (and a stress-free existence) is totally overrated.



Friday, May 25, 2012

I've trained my whole life for this "Geek Chic" thing...

OK, so if you've not heard of or witnessed firsthand this whole "Geek Chicclusterfuck phenomenon, you are clearly living in a hole.  Throngs of people everywhere are rockin' 80's frames like nobody's business, and quite frankly, I'm appalled.  Observe...
Do you REALLY think this looks GOOD?!?!?!  I'm not convinced...
What it makes *ME* think of is this classic scene from Seinfeld...
These frames are soooo "hott."
I couldn't write this post without "going there..." And by this, I mean, I could not blog about nerdy glasses without addressing my own demons associated with this fashion faux pas trend.  I am guilty of sportin' geeky frames pre-geek-chic era.  In multiple colors.  Larger than life.  With bifocals.  Not proud.

But because I love you guys, I dug deep in my scary, dark, possibly spider-infested storage room to find that one box which contained my old picture albums.  Ahhhh yes.  There were some gems in there for sure.

I present to you FIVE blasts from the incredibly dorky past...
I like big frames and I cannot lie!  Circa 1985-ish
Classic shot here... check me & my classic tortoise shell fucking huuuuuuge glasses paired with the jubilee of stripes, the mock turtleneck sleeveless shirt, the dual-waistband pants (again, ahead of their time, somewhat mimicking the boxers/athletic shorts sag action of the 1990's), braces (and headgear, not pictured), and spiky, chopped-up "bob" (if you will).  WOW.  Pissed as hell I didn't have on my 3 multicolored Swatches in this picture, because that totally would've completed this classic ensemble.  But hey, that dog is suuuuuper cute!  Nice of me to show his junk off for the picture.  Lordy.  50 shades of WRONG here.

My apologies to my middle school boyfriend-of-the-week, Jordan R., for posting this choice shot.  Can I get a "HEEEEEEYYYYY HOOOOOOO" for Forenza & clear frames though?!  I'm not even gonna go there on the asymmetrical, permed, super short 'do.

Second shot of the clear frames, just in case you missed their awesomeness in the pic above.  You're welcome.

While these only teeter on "Geek Chic," I still couldn't pass up the chance to showcase a forgotten find from the 80's.  And no, I'm not referring to the picture behind me on my closet door of Jo from Facts of Life (WTF?!  As Scott said, out of ALL the F.O.L characters I could have chosen, I chose JO!?!?  She was kind of a badass...).  No, instead I am referring the clear-to-slightly-purplish specs which happen to attach AT THE BOTTOM of the frame vs. at the top or middle, for added style and flare.  I HAD to have these, as I recall.  Mom tried to steer me away, but I refused to give.  These were "the ones."  Couple those with some twisty beads, a random pin on my fake-Polo's popped collar, pink angular, non-matching pointy earrings, and an apparent permed mullet, I had it goin' on.  (I miss my Cocoa though!!!  My first doggie!)

For added entertainment, I have attached a side profile so you could better enjoy these stylish glasses frames.  (And glimpse that mullet and yet a SECOND pair of dorky, gigantic earrings of mine.  And another fluffy white dog.  And part of our Christmas tree.  And non-digital photography. 
Fast forward ummmm... 15-ish years (HA!)...
These feel so natural, as I basically trained my whole awkward tween-teen years for this very moment!
(Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Mrs. Pocket!  I love you, Elisabeth & Maranda!)

My REAL "Geek Chic" glasses
Several months ago, a well known pediatric ophthalmologist who specializes in Cortical Visual Impairment (CVI) was in town and evaluated both Claire & Lola's eyes.  It was a very informative visit, and we were given many ideas which could help improve and maximize the girls' vision.  One of those suggestions was to try reading glasses to help their eyes converge and see better up close.  So, we ordered up some Miraflex frames for both girls, as they were supposedly the most hardy, and considering our girls' tone/arching/tantrums, we decided hardy was good (that's what she said!).  So, whenever the girls are working with us or their therapists up close, they wear their glasses.  Some days it's a complete disaster, but other days, we think they appear to be focusing MORE & seeing BETTER.  We are all about maximizing their lives any way we can, so... BOOM!
This was a pair of glasses that the doctor brought as a sample to see if they helped the girls see better.  Claire immediately focused on the light on the mirror... and probably how freakin' cute she was, too.  Diva!

Claire in her new glasses!  We actually ordered a reddish-pink color, but after about two months of waiting for the frames/lenses, we just took what we could get.  Good enough!  She wears these glasses probably only 1-2 hours per week TOTAL.  We are easing into them, as we don't want the "Jerry Seinfeld effect" from above (dizziness?!), and Claire is QUITE CLEAR as to when she's DONE wearing them.  Love this girl o' mine!

AQUA?!  You got me AQUA?!

Our tiny, naked librarian, Polly P.  (Our new nickname for Lola, a spin-off of both Polly Pocket & Pauly D from Jersey Shore.  Clearly she needs a little more of the T & L from "GTL!!!")  Scott thinks she looks like a racy superhero here, complete with the Robin-esque "mask."  How.  RUDE!

Getting kisses from Jan, one of our beloved babysitters!

Here are a few action shots (HA!) of the girls wearing their glasses during therapy...

Claire giving Donna (AKA Mrs. D) hell... half expected to see that middle finger on her left hand!  Pretty sure she was pissed because she had to get up before 11:00 am.  HA!
Also, Claire is rockin' her Larkie Lu Bow!  THANKS, GINA!  

Thanks to Michelle (Vision Teacher) & Shelly (OT) for all your hard work with our girlies!  

OVERSTIMULATED MUCH?!  Don't be afraid to tell us how you REALLY feel, Claire.

Savin' the drama for her Mama

Polly Ann looks like a tiny stalker in this picture.  If only we could've gotten a dark-ish lens tint on these bad boys...

Lola (possibly pouting!) with Andee, our physical therapist (or physical terrorist, as Donna used to say!)

We are so grateful to all our therapists, doctors and babysitters who help us optimize our girls' lives... we truly are so blessed with such an amazing "team" of people who care!  WE LOVE YOU ALL!

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."  ~Helen Keller

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

The Hooligans do Florida

Hit pause on my playlist below & enjoy a 5 minute video montage of our Spring Break 2012 trip to Florida!

“I am you; you are ME. You are the waves; I am the ocean. Know this and be free, be divine.” ~Sri Sathya Sai Baba

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