Monday, October 28, 2013

Much Obliged Monday?!

I have seriously sucked the big one it up lately with my Thankful Thursday posts, so to make up for missing a few, here's a bonus Monday blog!

Today I am thankful for the kindness of others.

First off, I want to give a HUGE thank you to Grace S. for sending these darling, crocheted hairbows for Claire & Lola!!!  She is a whiz at all things crocheted, including hats, costumes & headbands to die for.  I ordered a super cute, deep purple crocheted headband with a crocheted flower, & it was not only incredibly well made, but it was beautiful, soft & quickly shipped to me for a VERY reasonable price.  Grace & I are Instagram buddies, & my girlies not only send big, wet, slobbery kisses to Grace but also to her precious son, Jayden.  For more pictures and information about Grace's crocheting, check out her Instagram profiles -- @jaydensmommyg or @jaydensmommyg_closet.  You can also visit her Etsy shop by clicking HERE; she is in the process of updating that as we speak!  Thanks again, Grace!!!

OMG, I loooooove her SO.  MUCH.

Workin' the classic "Thinker" pose like a boss

A few weeks ago, I opened my mailbox to find a box.  Inside was the SWEETEST note & two incredibly beautiful, handmade quilts for Claire & Lola.  I was blown away as I unwrapped each one, only to see that both were PERFECTLY suited to each of our girls.  I literally teared up as I studied them, floored by the intricate details, gorgeous color schemes & awesome designs.  I have been slightly obsessed with these since they arrived, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I too have snuggled under them several times.  Sherry & Mia knew my girls would love these, and they were right.  A HUGE thank you to Wendy the Quilt Master & to Sherry and Mia for being so loving and thoughtful.  We are touched beyond measure.

There was NO doubt in our minds that the owls were PERFECT for Miss Claire!
Look whoooooo loves to be wrapped up in her new quilt!  OK, that was bad.  But it's SO true.  

And for Lola, no other theme could be more perfect than...

Cupcakes, chocolate & cherries!
Our little sweetheart!

Pissed off she can't subsist solely on chocolate and cupcakes for her real diet.  You & me both, sister.

Thank you SO. VERY. MUCH. for the beautiful quilts, Sherry, Mia & Wendy.  MUCH LOVE from Claire, Lola & me!!! (Hopefully after seeing this post you can provide a link to where others can buy these darling quilts -- HINT, HINT!  Thanks!!!)

"Have you had a kindness shown?  Pass it on; 'twas not given for thee alone, pass it on; let it travel down the years, let it wipe another's tears, 'til in Heaven the deed appears - pass it on." ~Henry Burton


Thursday, October 03, 2013

Why do I do this to myself?!?!?

No seriously, WHY???  I know ahead of time EXACTLY what the end result is gonna be, yet I go & do it ANYWAY.  WTF is wrong with me!!!  When will I learn?!  Just because I'm 12+ years into "this life" doesn't mean I don't still have rough days... I don't still feel super vulnerable out of the blue due to one single, tiny trigger... I don't still have days I feel defeated... I don't still question whether I did/am doing ENOUGH to try to help them be all they can be... I don't still cling to the hope that maybe someday we will eventually see true social smiles or a hand that can begin to grasp or hear a tiny giggle.  SO many emotions are wrapped up in each minute of each day of each year.

But then immediately I feel compelled to remind you all that we live in JOY 99% of the time. Because I worry that YOU will worry about ME if you think I'm sad/down/pissed/depressed/bummed/bitching.  I need to get over that shit.  But no seriously, fuck that 1%.  I mean it.  It can bite me.

OK, so a few days ago, I was visiting with Tracey (Mrs. Pocket's bestie!), one of our babysitters-who-has-become-family (who we also happened to infect with the clap herpes chickenpox a year ago -- it's a wonder she still WANTS to be part of this fam! HA!), and we got to talking about how much -- if any -- the girls' heads had grown since birth.  Immediately I was reminded of a website I'd found years ago when Claire was little.  It is a Head Circumference Calculator where you enter your child's sex, age, & head circumference, and it tells you all sorts of bad news your child's head circumference percentile.

When Claire was very young, I pretty much thought that head growth impacted EVERYTHING.  If it grew 1/4 cm, I KNEW.  I measured it obsessively.  I stole one of those already-in-a-circle-with-inches-and-centimeters-shown head measuring thingies from my pediatrician's office during one of our many weight checks.  Whenever Claire would see me comin' with that bad boy, she'd arch in disgust. I would cheer if her head grew, and I was sure that bigger head = bigger brain = more ability = happier Claire = I was doing enough. God, I was so naive.

The interesting part was that as time went on, Claire's head sort of stopped growing. Measuring and seeing gains wasn't happenin' anymore, and I found that doing so just disappointed me & made me feel sad for Claire (and selfishly, myself). I didn't want to live that way. I didn't want my happiness to hinge on Claire's progress (or lack thereof) in any area. Years passed between head measurements. It no longer mattered whatsoever.

A few years ago, another Mom asked me for that website.  I dug it out, and remembering how much all of that used to matter, I measured Claire's & now Lola's head once again.  I can tell you without thought or hesitation what the girls' heads measured both at birth and now.  Just like my birth date, social security number or address.  It's become a part of me.  I remember being super disappointed by the results I saw on that website a few years ago when I entered the girls' info. However, I almost felt emotionally detached from what I saw -- self-protection maybe.

I have randomly measured the girls' heads over the past few years for headbands or hats, but again, no emotions registered with me about what I saw, because head size is just such a *tiny* part (pun intended!) of who Claire & Lola are.

I don't know whether to blame hormones or PMS or Mother F'ing Nature who can't make up her mind about which season it is, but a few days ago when talking to Tracey about whether the girls' heads had grown, suffice it to say... I relapsed.  Oh yes.  I had a mini panic attack when I saw how many standard deviations (SD) below the norm my girls' heads NOW fell.  It was bad enough a few years ago, but it has gotten worse.  Claire dropped another SD, and Lola dropped 4.  WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL.

WHY?  Why are they dropping?  Why aren't they still growing?  Why ARE THEY so small?  Why did I even remeasure?  And why did I have to go plug their numbers into that damn website?!?!?

Here is what I saw...

Claire  --  <1 percentile & -13.1 SD below the norm

Lola  --  <1 percentile & -16.7 SD below the norm

If it's any consolation, I checked my own head size just to see if it was skewed, & I was in the 61st percentile. Many years ago we checked Scott's head size at the neurologist's office, and he was +4 SD.  Go figure.

I look at things as 'Everything is meant to be.'  ~ Lil Wayne

And it SO IS.  I know that.  I just wish I could always remember.

PERFECTION.  Without a doubt.
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