Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Dream That Brought Me Full Circle

OK, so I had a dream last night.

If you lived in Da' Hooligan House, you would know that this statement, made by Yours Truly, is met 100% of the time with comments such as, "Here we go..." or "Oh dear Lord in Heaven, what NOW?!?!" or "Pull up a chair, kids; this is gonna get ugly."  W. T. F!  I'm happy to be the source of my family's demented entertainment, but at least give me some props for a job well done here.  It takes sheer skill to dream the shit I dream!!!  Jeez.

No, last night's dream was loaded with good stuff.  Not "good" good like my dream the other night where I made out hard with Matthew McConaughey and I'm not even remotely attracted to him but I still really enjoyed it and hoped I wouldn't wake up till like 3:45 pm the next day so I could keep enjoying him  his fine-ass body  the dream more than you could ever imagine for even longer. Oops, did I say that out loud?!?!  No, it was "good" good in the feel good sense.  Here's what happened...

OK, so in my dream, my Mom & I went to workout at this random place with a bunch of mats and stations and I've never, ever in my life been to or seen a place like this in existence.  But in my dream, it was where we went & what we did, and we were rockin' that crappy workout like a couple of bosses.  Interestingly enough, we took Claire & Lola with us so they could lay on the mats by us while we got after it.  So there we were sweatin' out to Irene Cara's "What a Feeling" sportin' leotards and legwarmers (OK, that part might be embellished) when all of a sudden Claire morphs into a typical child who can run, play, laugh and talk.  Oh, and she's not teeny tiny anymore.

Let me back up for a minute.  I will never forget the heart-wrenching pain associated with this exact dream for probably the first FIVE+ YEARS after having Claire.  It was so very debilitating.  I would literally wake up crying happy tears initially and then tears of sadness and disappointment after that.  I would want to go back to sleep and restart the dream and stay there forever so I could finally see my baby doing what I thought she was supposed to be doing -- what I LONGED for her to be doing -- what I assumed would ultimately make her (and selfishly me) happy.  It would set off a downward spiral of emotions within me that would carry over for days.  It would result in MANY deep, sorrowful conversations with anyone who would listen about the meaning of life, happiness, joy, and how the fuck I was supposed to FIND all that if my baby couldn't even smile at me. Looking back, I know grieving was what I needed.  I needed to let myself feel it all, however I could, so I could come full circle and realize that happiness is a choice and it was within my grasp.  I didn't need to look far to realize that Claire was ALREADY happy with her life.  She was already light years beyond where I would probably EVER be.

I stopped having that dream where my babies were healed, and I'm not really sure why.  Maybe God knew I didn't need to have it anymore because it didn't serve me.  (I'm not gonna lie, just typing that sentence made me cry.)  Or maybe something within me resolved enough that it would no longer be helpful.  Or maybe it was just too painful all around.  I don't know... but to have had it last night definitely got my attention and I wondered how I would react upon waking.  And today, I am elated to report that my mood was COMPLETELY different post-dream.  Here's the rest of the story...

OK, so it was immediately "abort mission" workout-wise when my baby got up and began wreaking havoc on all those damn mats.  Mom stayed with Lola, and I began chasing Claire around as she ran wildly, waved her arms, shrieked, giggled, and basically did all those things I SO ached for her to do the past 12 years.  Immediately I was back in "Mom-of-Cal-as-a-wild-toddler mode", where I was trying to spare everyone else's feelings of annoyance and frustration with that out-of-control kid vs. realizing that OMFG, CLAIRE IS UP & RUNNING AND HOW THE HELL IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?!?  I was frantically following her, trying to lasso her in, calm her down, and make sense of all this when she crossed the line.  I don't recall exactly what she did, but it was naughty, and I sat her down on my lap in time out.  I remember saying, "Claire, honey, that is NOT OK.  You are in time out to think about it, and when you are ready to make good decisions, I will let you down."  She sat very still on my lap and barely moved, almost as if she was thinking about her actions.  When I said time was up, she happily hopped down and began running again.  Her smile radiated like you would not believe.  It made ME smile.  I was in complete awe.

Instantly Cal was present and also enjoying the moment, following Claire around as she tornadoed her way through this gym.  At one point, he grabbed her around her waist from behind to stop her, and it felt like slow motion as I watched the scene I had waited for my entire life unfold before me.  I saw my children interacting as typical siblings.  It was so beautiful, perfect & natural.  I watched them both in hysterics, basically wrestling one another, completely enveloped in nothing but PURE JOY.  I could not help but smile and laugh with them at this moment -- this amazing, surreal, unbelievable moment.

Cal continued his struggle to hold Claire still, and she grew angrier as he restrained her.  She was flapping her arms around, swinging them at whoever she could, and screaming out in anger because she JUST. NEEDED. TO. RUN.  Cal was just trying to help, and she wasn't having it.  I started to tell Cal to let her go when Claire broke free & screamed out at the top of her lungs, "FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!"  The dream immediately ended.

I woke up smiling.  That's my girl.


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