Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Michelangelo ain't got nothin' on me

OK, so I'm gonna admit it, I'm standin' front & center of this here Draw Something bandwagon, and I like it.  I like it very much.  Considering the fact that I can't draw for shit, it's a wonder I even toyed with downloading this new-fangled game.  I still sort of don't get the point of it... I mean, there are still plenty o' douchebags out there who simply just write the word they want you to guess when it's their turn to f'ing DRAW it.  Nothing pisses me off more.
I know they're cheating just for the gold coins.  But WHY again?  Why do these tools want more free coins to buy more colors to not draw with again?!?!  Listen geniuses, you're only cheating yourself because unless you intend to write that word in MF calligraphy with shiny glimmers on the corners of your fancy-shmancy letters, those gold coins you're cheatin' for really aren't going to do you much good.  But way to test the system. 

I'll be honest, me & some bitch named Essence got into it the first night I downloaded the app.  Yep, she thought she was sooooooo badass for writing the word "XBOX" across the screen vs. even making a pathetic attempt to DRAW that mofo.  I didn't even really know the rules, but I knew that I was willing to call her on the damn carpet, so I did.

Yep, what transpired shortly thereafter was quite the clusterf*ck.  I'm not gonna lie, I got wayyyyy too sucked into the drama, and I had to prove the point that not drawing on a drawing game was f'ing RIDIC.  I'm pretty sure we exchanged maybe 5 or 6 text-type messages then I made some "your dad didn't seem to think so last night" comment, followed by telling her that the word "dumb" actually was not spelled "dum" and then dealing with her threatening to report my ass to the Draw Something head honchos.  HAHHAHAHAHA!  Essence can suck it.  I deleted her crazy, 11th grade, misspellin' ass quicker than she could say OMGPOP. 

But yeah, apparently this try-to-keep-the-streak-alive-by-guessing-my-picture-correctly-followed-by-me-guessing-your-picture-correctly is a simple dorky spiffy enough concept to keep me entertained because I'm all over that shit lately.  Just ask my hubby, AKA Capricorn41 (nice ambiguous, slightly-girly name, babe).  I've sent him some doozies lately!

I wanted to share with all of you some of my best work.  I will put it in sequential order so you can see my artistic progression over the past 3-4 weeks.  I will preface these disasters examples with one vitally important point:  I CANNOT DRAW TO SAVE MY ASS.  Oh, and I'm drawing these on an iPhone 4S, NOT an iPad.  Carry on.

Here goes... prepare to be BLOWN AWAY.  Oh, and at the top of each picture in the yellow bar, you can see what I was attempting to drawing, just FYI.  I got skillz, yo.  My commentary below in RED.

(PS -- sorry for the overkill.  I pray for your sake/safety/sanity that won't spend longer than .01 seconds staring at each of the following debacles.)

Just f'ing with you... this isn't MY flamingo!  It is just one drawing which made the "Best of Draw Something" page on Instagram.  I call BULLSHIT that this was done with a finger & not a stylus...  See below for my own rendition.  Yikes.


This one is all shades of wrong... the wanna-be disco ball above, the ass-out/corn-cob-up-butt stance of the nekked DJ, the turntable-of-shame.  I apologize.

Nice chandelier on bowling-ball-sized chain there, Gwen.  It looked SO much better in my head... (as it always does)

This was the first drawing I was actually PROUD OF.  (Is that sad?!)

Yes, yes I DID actually write "SHIT" on the screen after drawing & redrawing that damned hamster like 4 separate times & finally just calling this bad boy "good enough."

I promise I was NOT drunk like this cat during the drawing of ANY of these pictures.  Might have done a better job if I was though!

NO CLUE what the F this is... my sad attempt at a family portrait, apparently.  Lordy.  But I do want a dog that looks like that someday. 

Not a microcephalic!!!!!  HAHAHHAHAHA!  Dude's head DOES look petite compared to those ears...

Check out my cast iron pot dead-center.  Love that I opted for the thick black line for emphasis.  Notice the plethora of kitchen tools/items.  Score!

Unrecognizable till text added, which in THIS CASE, is PERFECTLY acceptable (Essence).  Shaggy's lookin' a little gaunt though...

One of my all-time favorites... diggin' this copied stolen killer color layering effect.  Makes me feel powerful.

For the record, my "partner" didn't guess this picture.  I got 2 words for I h8teyou -- I hate YOU.  Wait, that's 3... whatever.

Another one of my best ever!  Check out that shading on the knuckles!  I ROCK!!!!!

Scott literally laughed out loud for quite awhile over this gem...

Not proud of my regression in bird-drawing skills on this one.  My flamingo kicked this fake, balding blackbird's ass.

TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I nailed Trump.  Wait, let me rephrase that... I nailed this DRAWING of Trump.  Gross.  My bad.
Possibly the high point of my artistic career with this masterpiece... seriously.  I'm soooo not shitting you.

Scott said my Easter Bunny had paw-boobs.  WTF?

I saved the best for last... even more so than the trusty eagle above, I think that this next picture may take the cake as my pride & joy... my jewel... my cream-of-the-crop creation... my pièce de résistance.  I present to you:
Why yes, yes that IS my not-so-fair Lolita in her circular blue chair (Thanks, Wagner fam!) lettin' 'er fly like only SHE can do.  I only wish my iPhone screen had been larger so that I could have done a to-scale version of the true distance my dwarf can barf, because seriously, DAT SHIT CRAY.  My 2 ft. tall girlie can barf approximately 7-8 times her height in distance.  In layman's terms, that is like an average 5 ft. tall adult barfing anywhere from 35-40 feet in distance.  My girl's got game, yo. 

(PS -- I rocked that shit out on TRY #1, too... just sayin')

All I've got to say is, this app is DRAWSOME!!!!  Hit me up if you so dare... GwennieH is in da' houuuuuuuuuse! 


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Mini Monopoly Match-up for the Masses ~ The Finale

As we last joined the Monopoly World Dwarf Championship in progress, we were left with quite the pathetic scene.  Lola "Mrs. Pocket" Hartley had damn near lost everything -- her money, hotels, properties & most of all, HER PRIDE -- all at the mercy of Fighting Nun, reigning Ultra-Extreme Lightweight Boxing Champion of the World.  This rematch was proving to be quite a doozy, with multiple lead-changes, late-game surges, and a whole shit ton of strategery going on, let me tell you.  I don't know about you all, but I cannot wait to see the transcendental turnout of this epic showdown. 

If you are jonesin' for a recap of this tiny toss-up, click HERE for Part 1 and click HERE for Part 2.  The Gospel according to Gwen.

Let's rejoin the game during its miraculous moment of truth...
Mrs. Pocket has thought things through thoroughly, picked herself up, dusted herself off, grown a pair (HA!), and she is now fully aware of what she should do next... 

... REBEL.

F*CK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!
(How many of you find it ironic/hilarious/ridiculous that I only starred out the F-bomb but not the word "shit?!")

She's an angry elf.

I'll show you Water Barf Works, muthaf*ckaaaaaaaaaas!
(think Mr. Chow from The Hangover, one of Mrs. Pocket's favorite movies)

Bankrupt, my ass.  I will BITE YOU.

This is what I think of your f'ing Monopoly...

(Tryin' to drown out her sorrows with that empty forty 4-ounce...)

Peace be with you!  How... inappropriate.

How you like that lucky poker hat & glasses NOW, chump?!  This Sister's about to get lucky alright!!!

Let the party begin!  AMEN!!!
(I won't tell you how we toyed with the idea of rolling up a fake blunt for this scene...but we don't condone drug use, so we didn't...
but you KNOW that shit would've been FUNNY.)

Nun sings:  "We can pop bottles all night, baby you can have whatever you like...(you like)"
(In the immortal words of T.I.)
(I also won't tell you how we dug through all our old toy boxes hoping to find a naked Ken doll or 4 that we could pose with Nun precariously.
We are SO going to hell for that comment.)

I repent!!!  I REPENT!!!!!


Wow, folks.  That was unexpected.  I apologize for not putting a PG-13 rating on this climactic finale.  Holy buckets (shout-out to my friends Up North!). 

Oh wait... very interesting... we're now hearing some breaking news out of Hartley's corner post-tantrum.  Apparently her "team" filed a protest against Nun for violating Rule 6.4.7 in the official Monopoly Handbook which states: 

"No player will be allowed to execute a 'sleeper hold' or any other chokehold variation unless aforementioned player is in direct possession of all 4 Railroad properties simultaneously.  Then, and ONLY then, will this type of conduct be allowed or encouraged.  Violation of this rule will result in immediate disqualification from the competition."

Therefore, Nun just got RAILROADED!  By default, our Monopoly World Dwarf Champion will be...


 A big, wet kiss (and possibly more!) for my hubby, Scott, for helping me with this titillating trifecta.  It was nothing short of miraculous the way you held up both Lola AND the Nun with such fierce accuracy and precision.  I love you so much, baby!  (Scott really appreciates my use of the word "titillating" above.  He's a big kid, you guys.)

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