Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Petered out

(I just said "peter" and "out" together above...HA!  Ignore my childishness.  :)
Note:  Picture quality is brutal on several of the below pics.  Many were taken with my iPhone in a dim room.  I tried to lighten/jazz them up but I'm not sure I succeeded... sorry! 

Note #2I am very hesitant to post this because I'm worried that:

A) You will judge me.
B) You don't give two shits about the innermost feelings I have about this topic.
C) You will think I'm negative/bitching (that is NOT who I am, I ASSURE YOU).
D) What I wrote is too embarrassing (I feel exposed, yet I feel it's important to be HONEST).
E) You will worry about Lola (I don't want you to... I've GOT THIS & SHE.  IS.  FINE!!!!!!).
F) You will judge me.

Here it goes anyway...

I almost don't even know where to start on this post.  I am "functioning" (barely!) on such broken sleep that my mind isn't sharp... I am scattered yet productive (got more accomplished today than usual?!).  Exhausted yet fired up.  Frustrated yet hopeful.  Pissed yet understanding.  Emotionally frazzled yet jovial (I love that word SO MUCH).  Manic depressive much?!  Nope... just 12.5+ years of shoddy-ass sleep.  Bottom f'ing line is... THIS SHIT IS GETTIN' OLD. 
I!   F-ING!   WISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember people telling me pre-kids that I could NEVER know how tired I could possibly be until I'd had a newborn and survived those first few months.  I would agree with that... but I think when you have a child who remains at a newborn level for almost 10 years (and another one for 5 years+), that might possibly define "dog tired" or maybe "pooped."

Lola may be in "Time Out" for a week after last night's antics.  She's been inflicting a shitstorm of epic proportions upon my ass for a good month or two now -- just ask Steph.  God bless her, as lately she's been getting texts at 4:00, maybe 5:00 am hearing me whine about STILL being up... how Lola's being a real bunghole going on hour 5, I'm so tired I feel like barfing, and there's no end in sight.  Thank HEAVENS for her reassuring texts, her "disciplining" Lola across the miles, and sending Polly Pocket good sleepy mojo vibes, or I *MIGHT* be in the f'ing nuthouse right now.  (Excuse the French -- I curse MORE when I'm tired. :)

I would've busted out THIS bad boy last night if I had it ---->  Go The F--k To Sleep.  Pretty sure I could've written this book last night in my sleep-starved, sarcastic, pissy stupor.  LOVE THIS!
I am *SO* getting this for Scott for Father's Day!!!
Let me set up last night's winner-of-a-scenario for you: 

I got in bed at a decent time for me (5 till midnight -- was feeling all cocky about it since Lola & I beat Scott & Claire to bed & I normally don't go to sleep till 1-2 am, as I'm a bit of a night owl), got Lolita fed with ease (my girl downs her bottle --yes, at age 5!  Don't hate! -- in a whopping 5 minutes... she's a rock star), burped her for a good 10 minutes (she's mastered the "fough" -- AKA fart-cough -- and she can even ONLY FART upon me patting her back -- no burp at all.  It's a gift.  My dwarf is TALENTED!), held her upright for 30 minutes (our ushe), played a few rounds of Abble Dabble (if you haven't played this on your smart phone yet, YOU NEED TO.  I'm hooked, and yes, I know it's sad.  HA!  I scored 216 in a single play once... holllllaaaaa!!!), watched The Weather Channel (I may or may not be obsessed...), and finally laid down by 12:37 am.  Record time!
(LOOOOOOOOOONG gone are the days I say, "DAMN, I am BEAT!  I'm goin' to bed." and actually am IN BED within 2-3 minutes.)

(Reminder, Scott is doing a lot of the same bedtime routine random stuff simultaneously with Claire on the other side of the bed...)

OK, so all is well, I am so tired my head is doing that noddy thing and I finally lay down, dwarf-in-arms, and I swear to you, I'm OUT in 20 seconds.   I've been teased the past 2 or so weeks by my Lolita.  She's slept surprisingly well, which while I PRAY that lasts (and I try like heck to NEVER question it/make eye contact/judge her sleep/discuss it out loud -- I'm all about The Secret, and I'm NOT ABOUT to put that negativity out there to The Universe!), usually GOOD SLEEP DOESN'T LAST, if you know my girl.  I am beginning to think she truly is "one nocturnal son-of-a-gun," to quote Gym Class Heroes.  Clearly she's misinterpreted my whole "night owl" thang.

2:34 am -- Mrs. Pocket's in full effect, y'all.  HER "thang" - the thing she does all night when she's NOT sleeping - well, I'm not sure the ORDER in which it occurs, usually because... well, I AM ASLEEP & all... is this mess:  overheating (I like lots of covers -- she doesn't.  They SO need to make U-shaped sheet sets for our California King -- you know, sheets on the two sides, completely open in the middle for hot-blooded dwarves), smiling then seizing repeatedly (the smile ALWAYS comes first... and it's incredibly darling because it's so rare but simply PURE EVIL. Kidding!), sometimes followed by loud coughing followed by occasional barfing (the cousin of the "fough" is Lola's OTHER specialty, the ""farf," which usually occurs at this time...) and/or farting that real high-pitched squeaky fart (damn tone/CP of the rectum!  HA! Sorry... WAYYYYY TMI!), drooling, winking, more smiling (see Exhibit A), the beginning of a night-worth of back spasms (we THINK that is what is happening?!), "rudder chest" (see Exhibit B), full body trembling which lasts for hours, more evil smiling/seizures, more barfing, the ever-popular-yet-hateful fake-out technique where she appears to be settling down then she busts our balls even more (see Exhibit C), then more seizures, we strip her down to just a diaper, then she usually shits/sharts/farts/foughs/farfs again (usually in my CROTCH -- I am so not kidding you -- it's uncanny how accurate she is with her aim!), yelling is occurring, pass-off is a-happenin' (to Scott (AKA "The Shit Whisperer") who then has to put Claire down in her beanbag by the bed, attached to her feeding pump/IV pole & milk turds out of Daughter #2), followed by more bitching by BOTH OF US about NEVER getting any f'ing sleep.  Rinse and repeat like 742 more times till sunrise.

Exhibit A:  Smiling dwarf = BAD NEWS!!!  (AKA: The calm before the shitstorm) 

Exhibit B:  "Rudder Chest"  (I THINK it's due to Hunchback upper back spasms, possibly tone-related or as a result of overheating?  Jury's still out... even our pediatrician was like, "Ummmm, not normal, but it's LOLA'S normal!"  Love her!!!)
Nice droolicle, Pocket!

Exhibit C:  Fake-Out (AKA Ballbuster)
Observe the Burp-rag Beard -- helps avoid mid-night sheet changes due to our Beardo's barf attacks!

Mrs. Pocket is plotting against me... I can FEEL IT.  I'm terrified!

This picture makes me sad.  :(

My hand... trying to comfort and calm my girl down.  I will ALWAYS be there for you, Lola.  ALWAYS.

Vicious cycle, and can I just say that SLEEP DEPRIVATION'S A BITCH!?  Especially when it's for days on end, weeks out of each month (at its worst), and months out of each year that are "off."  UGH.

OK, so what I'm wrestling with (besides a 10 pound, 5-year-old dwarf who ALWAYS WINS!!!!!!!) is my emotional state of affairs, this internal struggle to provide comfort and help to my girl while also being SO PISSED that this ONLY happens at night, my daughter may or may not be growing horns (kidding!), and my biggest problem of all  ~  how the hell I am going to fix this???  Because I SO AM.  That's what I do.

I can SOOOOO understand where Lola is coming from.  This whole sleep thing is out of her hands... out of MY hands... in God's hands... whatever.  I KNOW/GET all that.  But how do you COPE during these times?  How do I NOT feel anger toward her when she's kept me up for 4, 7, 12 straight nights -- yet it's NOT HER CHOICE TO! -- and this is ONGOING -- and I LOVE MY GIRL, but OMFG!  I cannot survive on 2-3 hours of broken sleep (AKA 3 minutes here, rub nose, stave off vomit, oops, she sharted, get up, change diaper, start over, sleep 23 minutes, another seizure, rub nose, try her in her car seat (which sits at the foot of our bed between my hubby & I all night -- how romantic!), change onesie, change sheets, change mind about staying in bed, TV on, then off, sighing, light on, then off, more texting to Steph (who is also usually up with her trifecta!), whining to Scott, yelling at Pocket then comforting her, more cursing, burping, knees-to-chest (Lola, not me... HA!), F-bomb, wait, I'm HUNGRY NOW, and it's 4:23 am?!  I am SUPPOSED to be sleeping now, but I CANNOT, yet I AM SOOOOO GLAD I can provide comfort to Lola or at least TRY, but am I FAILING her?!?!?, STOP THE HORSESHIT!!! (Love you, Molehill Moms!), the sun is already coming up & I have barely slept?!  NOT COOL!!!, etc... I'm a real HOT MESS)!!!!!!!!!

Am I sharing too much?  Am I being TOO HONEST?  Do you think I want you all to FIX THINGS for me?  Offer medicine/treatment/surgery/physician options/suggestions?  No... I am 100% confident in all that we are doing/not doing with the girls -- no meds, no vaccines, supplements, alternative treatments, natural living, not dwelling on the negatives, etc., as the proof is in the pudding and THEY ARE STILL HERE & THEY ARE THRIVING (despite Lola's shenanigans), but DAMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNN. 

Run-on sentences much?!  I'm blaming the 4 hours of sleep I got in 2-12 minute increments.  OMG.  LOLA, DO NOT FIGHT SLEEP, SLEEP WILL WIN!!!!!!!!!!!  LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!!!!!!!

That being said, I MIGHT try melatonin for her... though sleep isn't a problem as soon as the sun rises.  My mean ol' dwarf sleeps the sleep of angels ALL DAY while I'm struggling (I can't nap... never could).  NO FAIR.  (but NO PITY, OK???? Hate it!)

I won't even go into details about how a week ago our entire house's (upstairs AND downstairs, yo) fire alarms went off simultaneously during the night (starting at 2:00 am) intermittently with Scott out of town & me home alone with all 3 kids (unsure of how those damn things work or if there are even batteries -- they're all wired in & wired together?!).  All this happened after Lola had kept me up from 11:00 pm on.  Yep, yep ~ BEEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEEP -- PAUSE -- repeat -- which was so deafening that after it blared for 3+ minutes straight at 10:00 am after only 2 hours of broken sleep all night long between the brief alarms sounding and we 4 went out to "sleep" on the deck in full sunlight/Kansas heat (which made Lola and Claire seize... greeeeeeat!), it STILL hurt my ears through the closed door, it was THAT LOUD.  WTF?  If it's not Lola, it's some random alarm (Scott's alarm clock got me once, the feeding pump goes off/malfunctions other times... ummmm... WTF?), alerting me that GWEN, YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO NOT SLEEPING!!!!  Get your shit together!!!!!  If I get sleep-blocked by an alarm ONE MORE TIME... I am goin' postal.  HAHAHHAAH.  It's funny as shit NOW, but OMG, Cal & I were livid that day. 

This canNOT be good for my body.  Nor Lola's?!??!  And on top of it all, appointments STILL OCCUR the next day, and I CANNOT keep cancelling them just because of these damn all-nighters!  I am beginning to think Lola's a masochist who is into self-sabotage.  She LOVES hippotherapy on Tuesdays & yet damn near EVERY Monday night is a total cluster*%&$ lately, leading me to cancel horses or get there late or get there cranky or get there with a child (or two) who have had NO SLEEP & then proceed to either seize/arch/pass gas/pass out like a narcoleptic on the horse (or get kicked off ~ Claire last week!)!  I *SO* needed Toonces, The Driving Cat at the wheel for me today.  SO. TIRED.

See what I mean about not being sure where to even start?!  All I know is I'm "broken down" and "dead on one's feet" and "done in" ('s synonyms for "tired"... HA!) -- all wrapped into one.  Praying for SLEEP tonight, and hoping I didn't just screw myself with The Universe/The Secret with this post.  :)
Claire  ~  October 27, 2003.   Best yawn EVER!!!  Teach your sister to SLEEP, Mimi -- you are the QUEEN of good sleep (now)!!!



Rachel said...

Nothing but the deepest of sympathies and commiseration from me. Love you, and the night owl dwarves.

Anonymous said...

im with you too girl..just finished cleaning up a pukey mess myself for the umpteenth day in a row and its 2:07 a.m.

so 2 out of 2 rachels agree...sleep deprivation is noooooo fun!!! commiserating also.

Tricia said...

I completely understand the insanity and all those mixed up emotions. My two suffer from insomnia and some nights are so horrible. Days upon days that they keep me up all night long. It is not uncommon for them to finally fall asleep about 4 am just to wake up 2 hours later fully refreshed and ready to terrorize my world. They never take naps either. At its worst I find myself not only yelling at them to go to sleep, but when that fails I actually break down and beg them to sleep. Literally beg and plead with whiny tears just like a little kid. Amazing how our little miracles can force us to revert back to a bunch of whiny, tantrum-throwing two year olds.

Janene said...

Good luck trying to figure it all out. How you functioned enough to put it all together in this post is beyond me!!! Prayers for peaceful sleep sent your way, friend!! said...

Truly no words except deepest sympathy. I love sleep and would be a hot mess if I didn't get it. I can't even imagine.

I did have to laugh at "Toonces, the driving cat" only because that is what we have always called our Maggie. She is the worst driver EVER and when Toonces goes off the cliff....oh yeah...that's her.

It is hard to be the kind of Mom that I know you want to be (and ARE in spite of lack of sleep) when you aren't getting any rest.

You are incredible. You inspire me to be a better Mom and wife everyday. You are my least known(in person) and yet most inspirational friend and I find that ironic and kind of insane.

Dawn Krause said...

I get you Gwen. No pity for you guys here, just admiration. You may not even want that but you're getting it anyway.

Anonymous said...

Whew! I can only imagine a single night like yours, much less multiple nights. Hang in there, kiddo. There's got to be a good night's sleep out there soon for you and Scott both.


Cindy W said...

Waiver funding for night nurses? I was so there when Chris and Rachel used to tag team me for sleep all night long. Our pediatrician could see how sleep deprived I was, and knowing I was a single parent, she knew I couldn't keep going that way. We tried various combinations of benadryl, then melatonin, until we got something that worked. She was ready to write the RX for something stronger, but we were able to avoid the heavier sedation. I hope the doc will listen and work with you ... if the parents aren't functioning, nothing in the house does and it becomes a dangerous situation.

Anonymous said...

As the parent of a special needs child, nothing annoys me more than uninvited and more importantly, STUPID advice from people. I realize that your world is one that few would even understand, so when I place this link on this comment, try not to snort out of disgust at my pitiful attempt to help. Have you tried or considered trying something like this for night sleeping (or lack thereof)?

Gwen said...

Anonymous -- GREAT IDEA, and NO, I didn't snort ONE BIT at your suggestion -- THANK YOU!!!!

I am going to check into something like this. I've been wanting to get a swing for her -- this might be the best bet yet!


Gwen :)

Tiffani said...

I know this post is old. But I love your blog. It makes me laugh and smile. And I am so happy to know there is someone else who understands you can't do anything but love these little angel shits we have even when they won't LET US SLEEP!! Thanks for the laughs.

Melissa said...

Thank you for all of your beautiful stories. I just happened to come across your videos and blogs and so appreciate your sharing! What an amazing and beautiful family you have!!! God really does give us perfectly our lives! "Perfectly imperfect" I like to call it!

Unknown said...

HIYA CLAIRE! It's your new friend from Flint, Michigan! I just wanted to tell you that every time I look at your yawning picture, in my head, but most of the time, to my husband's shagrin, I sing "and IIIIIIIIIIII-YI-YIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, will alllllllllllways love you" Whitney Houston style! You rock, Miss Thang! Christina

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