Lord knows I have enough content to blog about. Life is crazy with a side of batshit crazy over here at The Hooligan household 24/7. I say that lovingly because my life ROCKS, and I seriously would not change a thing. OK, I might change one... and that one thing has been weighing on me for probably 6-9 months now. I hate to dwell on it, bring it up, perseverate over it, or even draw ANY attention to it whatsoever for fear that by acknowledging it, it will draw more of the same to us. (You know I love me somma "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne)
But I'm almost to the point where I just feel like if I DON'T get some of this out, I may seriously self-implode. It's just TOO MUCH.
Ok, fine. I am worried about my girl. There, I said it.
(This kind of feels freeing to say but also makes me want to bawl, dammit.)
I won't bore you with the details about WHY or what's going on specifically, because as I type this, she's on my lap & I think my heart-who-is-not-capable-of-walking-but-who-still-is-"walking"-around-outside-my-body may just have actually FELT the release that came with me actually ADMITTING these fears, because she immediately tried to barf down my cleavage. My girl's got good aim, yo. Cleavage & crotch, babyyyyy! Narrow miss there.
This life... it's just so emotional. These extremes are hard to even quantify... as mentioned before, the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I stay firmly locked & loaded in the "highest of highs" as often as I can, because honestly, I love it there. Life is happy & joyous & full & I thrive when I am there. Damn these "lowest of lows" which try to creep in, sabotaging & attempting to steal my joy! They blow.
Shouldering these feelings, the worries, the fears, the what-ifs, the probablies, the prognoses, the expectations, the disappointments, the whys, the backslides... ALL this bullshit... it can be too much. And lately, for the past several months, I've felt that more so than maybe ever before.
We have this innate desire to FIX THINGS as parents. And I feel it even more with our girls, especially Lola. And feeling the need to fix -- for me -- indicates that there is something WRONG, which I do NOT want to admit or buy into, because I totally believe she is here doin' her thang, livin' her own little dream, and not wishing for things to BE different. I have to remind myself of this -- that it's all unfolding just as it should. No mistakes. No accidents. No fuck-ups. And as my friend, Chris, told me the other day, "If we didn't have struggles, we wouldn't appreciate the serene times." Just what I needed to hear.
We're gonna figure this out. We're going to optimize the shit out of her incredible, little life. And we're going to be better because of it, having learned from the struggles & submersing ourselves firmly in these struggles so we can grow. We got this...
|Ya' sure, beyotch?!|
"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope." ~Barbara Kingsolver