Thursday, August 16, 2012

Living inside the hope

I read lots of blogs online, and a common theme I've been seeing lately has to do with writer's block.  No one seems to know what to chalk this up to -- stress, busy summer, lack of motivation, nothing going on, sexual tension, you name it.  It happens.  Though right now, FOR ME, it isn't the reason I've not been writing more often, though I almost wish it was.

Lord knows I have enough content to blog about.  Life is crazy with a side of batshit crazy over here at The Hooligan household 24/7.  I say that lovingly because my life ROCKS, and I seriously would not change a thing.  OK, I might change one... and that one thing has been weighing on me for probably 6-9 months now.  I hate to dwell on it, bring it up, perseverate over it, or even draw ANY attention to it whatsoever for fear that by acknowledging it, it will draw more of the same to us.  (You know I love me somma "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne)

But I'm almost to the point where I just feel like if I DON'T get some of this out, I may seriously self-implode.  It's just TOO MUCH.


Ok, fine.  I am worried about my girl.  There, I said it.

(This kind of feels freeing to say but also makes me want to bawl, dammit.)

I won't bore you with the details about WHY or what's going on specifically, because as I type this, she's on my lap & I think my heart-who-is-not-capable-of-walking-but-who-still-is-"walking"-around-outside-my-body may just have actually FELT the release that came with me actually ADMITTING these fears, because she immediately tried to barf down my cleavage.  My girl's got good aim, yo.  Cleavage & crotch, babyyyyy!  Narrow miss there.

This life... it's just so emotional.  These extremes are hard to even quantify... as mentioned before, the highest of highs and lowest of lows.  I stay firmly locked & loaded in the "highest of highs" as often as I can, because honestly, I love it there.  Life is happy & joyous & full & I thrive when I am there.  Damn these "lowest of lows" which try to creep in, sabotaging & attempting to steal my joy!  They blow.

Shouldering these feelings, the worries, the fears, the what-ifs, the probablies, the prognoses, the expectations, the disappointments, the whys, the backslides... ALL this bullshit... it can be too much.  And lately, for the past several months, I've felt that more so than maybe ever before.

We have this innate desire to FIX THINGS as parents.  And I feel it even more with our girls, especially Lola.  And feeling the need to fix -- for me -- indicates that there is something WRONG, which I do NOT want to admit or buy into, because I totally believe she is here doin' her thang, livin' her own little dream, and not wishing for things to BE different.  I have to remind myself of this -- that it's all unfolding just as it should.  No mistakes.  No accidents.  No fuck-ups.  And as my friend, Chris, told me the other day, "If we didn't have struggles, we wouldn't appreciate the serene times."  Just what I needed to hear.

We're gonna figure this out.  We're going to optimize the shit out of her incredible, little life.  And we're going to be better because of it, having learned from the struggles & submersing ourselves firmly in these struggles so we can grow.  We got this...

Ya' sure, beyotch?!
Never been more sure of anything in my life.



"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for.  And the most you can do is live inside that hope." ~Barbara Kingsolver

xo

11 comments:

Delfin Joaquin Paris III said...

I am feeling sad about your struggle. Keep telling us your truth and what you're experiencing. The people that read this deeply care for you.

Your courage to share intimately connects you to the world.

Jennifer said...

(((HUGS))) - Gwen I can feel the enormity of what you must be feeling....the "I don't want to say anything because then that gives it some sort of validity" I have been there at times and think if I don't actually say anything it will go away. I think this is the hardest sometimes within our own families...as mothers and wives we try to always be optimistic, always protecting the ones we love. I will be praying for you and sweet Lola. I hope someday soon you can look back on this and breath that much wanted 'sigh of relief'

Gwen said...

Thanks a million, DJ & Jennifer... I so appreciate your kind words. Had a rough few weeks/months & just feels so freeing to admit these fears. To "go there." We are being proactive & hope that she is back on track very soon. Love to you both. xo

Dave the Orbman said...

Gwen, the job you and Scott are doing is clearly amazing, and your heartfelt articulations on everything are so incredibly inspiring to me, and I'm sure everyone else who reads them.

So thank you, for showing us true unadulterated pure love and bonding, and for putting things into perspective for me. You are truly a hero to me, and my thoughts are always with you guys :)

Banana Stickers said...

You are so damn beautiful and you kind of amaze me.
There. I said it. And I mean it in the least creepiest way possible. BUT IT'S ALL TRUE. I've noticed that you have a very graceful way of handling fears and struggles which is a rare skill indeed. And very admirable. Keep being strong. Keep being vulnerable. Hell, keep being YOU because you're inspiring.

momsmom said...

All this strength.. you sure have a ton of it. It can be hard to maintain sometimes. Feels like if you have to verbalize it, it will create little cracks that can become huge. My 11 mo old grandson had a heart transplant at 3 weeks old. I never know what each day will bring because this heart will not last him a lifetime. He is happy, healthy as possible but there are always bumps in the road. There has already been another procedure. Then another hospital stay. Once, the pharmacy was out of the medication that he must take daily to live. Can you say scary as hell? As much as I love to share that he exists, I have to put on my coat of armor so I can share his heart story because it is who he is. It helps me take some of that weight off when I get to share his story as stressful as it is. Just feels great to get that hug or encouraging comment. Helps patch those cracks up.

Gwen said...

@bananastickers & @momsmom -- THANK YOU. Seriously, from the bottom of my f'ing heart. <3 to you both. xoxoxo

nongirlfriend said...

Wishing I could give you a big hug! I love the momma-daughter photo - you two are beautiful!

Faye said...

Wow... just... wow... You've got the kind of strength and power I can only imagine... just see off in the distance...
You a the littles are in our prayers for was is and what is yet to come. Ride those highs girlies! And don't let those lows get you down! God bless!

Terry said...

Gwen, I haven't been on the computer much lately and I missed this post. There is nothing I can say to respond to this posting except,love you guys and I am thinking of you.

ashley said...

Just recently started following your journey..you are an incredible family and such an inspiration. I read the strength you have and it embarrasses me to think of the things that stress me out and worry me. Seems so trivial but I guess we all have our challenges. I am just glad that ur family was blessed with one another. Ur words are deep, emotional and life changing. Thank you

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