Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Nothin' some penis can't fix

I am pretty sure, judging from the tiny amount of pee that came out (Ease UP, you guys, I said TINY AMOUNT!!!  I *AM* aware that you all know about my past sharting episode, but rest assured, I am not incontinent. Yet.) that I laughed harder last night than I have in quite some time.  Here's why...

OK, so part of the reason I've been slightly MIA lately is because our hard drive crashed (I am sooooo thanking 8 lb. 6 oz. newborn infant Jesus for Carbonite about now!!!) & also because of THIS...

Meet Cash (AKA Butters), 10 weeks old, our new, furry whippet son

What'd I doooooo?!?!?!
(Ummmm, for starters, you chewed the shit out of our weed guard under the deck steps where no one can get to you, shit on the exposed dirt, then ate your own semi-soft/watery-from-transitioning-dog-foods turds, buddy.  I am soooo submitting this pooch to that website, Dog Shaming.  OMFG!)

Despite my trash talkin', I LOVE THIS DOG!  He is not only incredibly charming, flat-out GORGEOUS, and very smart, but he also already has us wrapped around his little finger paw!  We are in full-on potty training mode mixed with some serious teething hoopla.  He is affectionately called "Gator" due to his lightning-fast, chomping jaws.  Hard to stay mad at him too long though... he's too damn cute!  

We finally remembered last night that we had an old Bully Stick laying around from Romeo's horrific teething days, and we decided to bust out that big boy to see if Cash wanted a piece of that action.

(Side Note:  For those of you unfamiliar with Bully Sticks, you NEED to get on it (pun intended!).  The first time I saw them was in a local, upscale pet shop.  It was meaty and irregular-looking, and I just assumed that it was some type of dehydrated beef or something.  Not quite.  Bully Stick = dehydrated bull penis.  NO LIE!  And TRUST ME when I tell you that all dogs LOOOOOVE them some bull schlong!!!  HA!)

Cash was no exception.  He seriously went to town on good ol' Mr. Knish.  Observe...

Truly the John Holmes of bulls here

Double-pawin' that baby-maker!

Ignore the apparent vein on the underside of this love rod... slightly too graphic for my blog.
Wait, who am I kidding?!?!

Doggie porn!  Butters has a new BFF!
Fun fact for ya'... bull penises range in length from 30-40" when erect.  Lucky cows!  That's a long bratwurst!  HA!

Cal said, "This pic is hilarious -- that penis is highlighted on Dad's face!"
God, I love that boy o' mine.

Notice Romeo's not-so-subtle interest in Cash's Magic Stick

Drop that shaft & no one gets hurt!!!
Poor Pocket is mortified!

PENIS ENVY!!!  Straight up.
(And HANDS DOWN, this is my favorite pic of the bunch!)
Check out the mayhem that is this whole scene... Baby Puppy gettin' jiggy with his bull junk (which Scott happens to be holding for him to chew right over his own package!), big doggie brother attempting to steal said pecker, old dog sniffing his younger brother's crank, the girls refusing to make eye contact, Cal/Scott/Me laughing uncontrollably off-camera.  It's a wonder this pic isn't blurry from the camera shaking due to my hysterics!
HOT MESS!!!!!!!

This manhood is MINE!  All miiiiiiine.

Mr. Happy is a bit hard (to handle)!

So, as we watch this scene unfold, I get to wondering about the Bully Sticks & whether they contain any additional hormones/testosterone/etc.  Here's our dialogue:

Me:  So, is it safe for a 10 week old puppy to chew on bull winkies?!

Scott:  I don't know -- probably?!  He seems happy!

Me:  Should I be concerned that Cash will get hooked on the skin flute & get too much testosterone & be all aggressive & grow too much & his balls will shrivel up & he'll be all muscled out & shit?

Scott:  I doubt it.

Me:  I mean, he already appears to be larger than Romeo was at this same age... what if this makes him grow to like 45 pounds or something?!  Too much penis could be a bad thing?!  (I whisper to Scott, "Neverrrrrrr!!!!!" HA!)

It was then that our darling, precious, 13 year old son chimes in with, "We need to give Pocket some penis."


Me, between laughs:  WHAT?!?!?  HAHAHAHAHA!  WHYYYYY, CAL?!?!?!  HAHAHAHHAAAA!!!

Cal:  TO GET HER TO GROW!!!  We need to grind that penis up & put it in her bottle!


Scott, after finally catching his breath:  Why don't you Google it & see if it's safe?!

Me, post Google action:  Says online it's a safe, healthy, high-protein treat that all dogs REALLY enjoy.  That peen's a keeper!
Post-phallus exhaustion/afterglow at its finest.  I love my family!!!

"I nicknamed my penis 'The Truth' because bitches can't handle it." ~ Unknown cocky bull

PS ~ You're welcome for the 19 slang penis references throughout this post.  And you're also welcome that I didn't use more.  I am ashamed that I only exhausted approximately one third of my wanker synonym list.  (Make that an even 20!)



Anonymous said...

SO, so many things I could say lol but I will leave it at this. Your hubby looks rather pleased with himself. And I'll say this, while I am at it..he really looked like he was happy holding on to the bull weenie. Not sure if that is penis envy? or just security lol.

I feel so much better after reading this. Feels good to know there are people with the same twisted humor.

DoRe' said...

You are a clever, clever girl, G; I was totally impressed with the seamless way you slid those 19 references in there--flawless. ;-9And hilarious, as usual; love from the PacNW! :D

Kyla @ Mommys Weird said...

People surfing for "penis" are going to love this.
SO FUNNY. I loved the pics!

Twinsplus1 said...

This is fantastic! I have been sick for days and this was the first thing I read this morning -a little laughter goes a long way. Thank you! (btw, it's too bad we don't live closer to each other, I am sure that with or similar sick minds, we'd have great fun together!)

Gwen said...

Thanks Anon! This almost got lost in spam and I am soooo glad it didn't! Told my hubby what you said and he laughed!

Yeah, was totally worried I had crossed the line with this post... But after the last two serious posts, I was hard up (ha!) for some laughs!!! :)

Gwen said...

I believe it was 20, just sayin'... Hahahahahahahaha! Love you, girlie!!!! :)

Gwen said...

Maybe it is a good thing I moderate comments?! Could get more than I bargained for! Ha! So is that how you found this post?!?! Hahahaha! :) Not that there is anything wrong with that! :) xoxo

Gwen said...

Just followed you by email - love another fellow demented mind!!! :)

Thanks for the blog love and also for your apparent love of the penis. Ha! :)

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Gwen, you are SICK SICK SICK!
And i love you. :)
Thanks for making my day with your bull-peen.

Gwen said...

It is my pleasure. No seriously, it really is!!! Lol Love u, girlie!!!! Xoxoxo

momsmom said...

I don't know why I showed u as anonymous hmm I know I signed in. Anyway, it is funny as hell. Screw the rest who don't think so! We all deserve some freakin humor in our lives. My grandson turned one today and I can't be there. So sad. So I came back to reread this post.

Gwen said...

Awwww - Happy Birthday to your grandson!!!! Sorry you couldn't be there but thanks for the props on my blog - hugs!!!!

non-gf said...

Too funny! Looking forward to the others on your Wanker List to appear soon!

Jay said...

I'm pissing myself laughing - what makes all of this better is your hubs' "shocker" t-shirt (ps it's va_jj from IG)

Gwen said...

Bwahahahahahaha!!!!! Totally didn't put 2 + 2 together on that one. Booooom!!!! Hahahahahahahaha! Xo to you!

Delfin Joaquin Paris III said...

Congrats on the new dog!

Also, tell Scott to stop dressing up for his photos. I'd like to see him more casual. This isn't church!

Anonymous said...

Omg, "skin flute" is one of my favorite terms (it cracks my BF up every time I use it). I had tears reading this, great tears of joy for all the penile synonyms. I just discovered your blog today, and I already love you and your family. I'm hooked!

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