Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Absent

I have been struggling to write this.  I haven't wanted to "go there."  I don't want to be Debbie Downer, I don't want to drag you all down with me, I don't want to put it out there to The Universe that things are "off," I don't want to perpetuate the whole "misery loves company" bullshit, I DON'T want to buy into the negativity/sadness/grief/worry/all of the above because honestly, NONE OF THIS is WHO I AM, but yet, I seem to be stuck... trapped in these emotions -- this hell -- right now & I so fear that if I DON'T talk it out and in a sense RELEASE IT, it might just stay this way.  And that's not an option for me.  AT ALL.

I have been absent -- absent on this blog, absent emotionally, and absent in relationships.  

I'm just gonna say it.  I've been scared.

I hate that feeling.  I hate it with everything inside of me because I feel so powerless & alone when I'm scared.  I feel agitated, angry and defensive about ALL I AM DOING.  I question everything, thus creating sort of an internal struggle within my own mind, perhaps the worst kind of struggle there is.  It is affecting my health & my well-being keeping this in.  I need to let it gooooooo.  I need to MOVE ON.

I'm scared to even admit I'm scared.

I just want Lola back. The old Lola. The one I didn't worry about so much.  The one without the NG tube, without chickenpox scars all over her body, with a healthy immune system, with her normal "irregular," Scott-aided shits & bizarre sleeping patterns.  I want to see her teensy smiles when I zoom her around the room & toss her up in the air gently like I used to do. I long to see her gain weight. I miss the old Lola so much it hurts.


I am really good at glossing over the shitty aspects of our girls' lives.  I don't get on Facebook or Twitter & spill it because for me, the thoughts & prayers that I'd receive make me feel pathetic, pitied, and like so much is so "wrong" with our girls.  I know this is strange/not the norm (big surprise there!), and I do tell a few people who are closest to me, but I just don't want to draw more attention to what most would view as a setback.  I can't do it for fear of reinforcing the very thing I hope to avoid.  

The pox were a bitch for my girl.  I have never seen of nor heard of a case this bad in all my life. It was brutal. A few scabs fell off her scalp TODAY (almost 3 months later), if that tells you anything.  Her poor face has too many scars to count, and I fear they aren't going to fade much except in color. It's heartbreaking to see.  I won't even elaborate on how the pox affected her eating/drinking, weakened her immune system tremendously, made her cry inconsolably off and on for weeks, & affected her personality dramatically.  I will focus on the fact that SHE (we?!) SURVIVED THIS as well as two subsequent viruses following the pox.

My girl is STRONG. SO VERY STRONG. (And THIS is what I want people to know about her!  Not how sick she's been, how she's been thinner than maybe I've EVER seen her, that the NG tube stayed down 3 weeks until it inexplicably fell out New Year's Eve night (shit got wild, yo... kidding!), that she is eating "normally" now but her weight isn't coming back up yet, and there just are no words to explain how terrified this makes me.  I won't go there with how we've talked about a g-tube for her until we're blue in the face but no matter how much we try to convince ourselves it's "the way to go," we both feel that even subjecting her to anesthesia might be the biggest mistake of our lives. I hate that I am worrying about her ability to handle a simple surgery as a 9 lb., almost 7 year old. WTFFFFFFFF.)

I KNOW it's all gonna be fine.  Really.  (Or maybe I don't?)  Every day I assess her situation thoroughly -- are her eye/arm bones showing less than they were a day or even a week ago?  Is she eating enough?  Did I miss any supplements?  Is the most recent cold/virus gone?  Diaper rash better?  Blowing out diapers still?  Hair any thicker (she lost so much from the pox)?  Mood better?  It's f'ing ridic.  I just wish instead of all that shit I could assess her for how HAPPY she is, how much she is enjoying her life, how much she is getting to do/experience & how much LOVE she is being showered with.  Because to me, that is what matters SO MUCH MORE.

It's just so hard to maybe overlook the negatives for fear I'll miss something... or downplay something I maybe shouldn't downplay.  I just want to be absent -- from fear and worry.  Forever.  And I know that is unrealistic, but dammit, I SO want that.

These fragile moments just put it all back into perspective for me.  I should probably be grateful for that.


"When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?''' ~Sydney J. Harris


We got this, Lola.  We got this.

xo

22 comments:

Nancy L said...

Wishing you and Lola peace and health.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

She is strong.
She is AMAZING.
You are strong.
You are AMAZING!

Love ya girl. :)

Kelly Manor said...

Every parent that has to be the ONE to make every life altering decision has more than likely felt exactly as you do! I can tell you after 25 years with my amazing son I still have absent feeling moments and question myself like mad! I so appreciate you being willing to be so transparent with your feelings. I do believe this is our "normal". One day at a time, one hour maybe even one minute! You are a great mom!

Rachel said...

love you girly...i was in a similiar place with a couple of my kids several months ago and needed to start medicine. Not saying you need to be medicated or anything..lol but just throwing it out there... gentle hugs for lola and big hugs for mama...

finallylanky said...

Ginger; your a mom.
Fear and worry was given to us the day we pee'd on a stick that showed us our lives had changed forever; so don't beat yourself up for not being able to shake away those emotions!
If you weren't worring about Lola, you'd be worried about cal or fearful that he wasn't gonna make the team!
What I'm basically trying to say, is that, to different degrees we have worries and fears because we love our babies so much that we only want the best for them. Accept them, process them (hopefully writing this blog will have helped) and then store them, the best you can and only you will know how; till they feel like raising up again, at which point you will accept and process and store and accept and process ... JUST DONT BOTTLE. Xxx

Gwen said...

Thank you all SO very much. Helps me tremendously to let this out. Bottling, @finallylanky, is AWFUL & I swear I've been doing that my whole life. And I wonder why I get the fucking shingles in my 30's. LOL

I do believe fear/worry overrules our lives a bit as parents. Just hard to get away from that -- we DO want the best for our kids. Just wish I could keep that under wraps a wee bit better. Not have so fucking much to worry ABOUT.

@Kelly Manor -- YES -- one day/hour/minute at a time. That is ALL we can do. Revel in the beauty of those moments... focus on the positive... stay aware. <3

@Rachel -- THANKS for the hugs & I hope things are better on your end, too!!! xo

@Dawn & @NancyL -- THANK YOU. SO VERY MUCH. Means so much. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Gwen, sometimes a mom just has to vent. It's ok. Much more than the ordinary has been asked of you as a parent. All parents question their decisions. With kid like Lola, Claire or Anabelle, the consequences of the wrong decisions could be devastating. Some days, the fear is briefly consigned to some storage compartment in your head. On other days, the fear seems to be all that there is. That's ok too. We know that there are serious things to be afraid of here. That's the heartbreaking truth. I say this to Kate and Brian, and I say it now to you - You will always make the best decisions you are capable of making for Lola and Claire because you are guided by a fucking FIERCE love that will always put those children first. Trust that. I send a caring hug to you all and a fervent hope that tomorrow looks a little better than today.

lynne said...

You don't know this yet but you are my best friend! Regardless how you feel about me, its true. You are like a sister I never had. I love you because you are real even though I don't really know you nor can I smell your farts...hehee.

You are the best mom so caring! she will get better!

The Every Day Extraordinary said...

And HE has all of you. Praying sweet friend, that you are able to get it out there and let it go. . .praying for your sweet, sweet girl. Praying you all are blessed by beautiful Kansas sunsets and skies so you remember how you aren't in this alone. He's carrying you. Let Him;)

Stephanie ODea said...

you are so wonderful. I hate that this has been happening.

lots of love, gwen. You've got this. You so totally have got this. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I'm a stranger but wanted to tell you I love your blog. I've read every post (sounding very stalkerish!) You are such a super momma. You are inspirational. Whenever I start to take for granted things, I think of you and your family. I hope this new year brings better health for Lola. You have a bigger impact on this world than you know. And it's all good. Thank you for your honesty. :)

Carolyn said...

Gentle hugs for you and Lola. Admitted we're scared is human. I'm glad you're talking about it so that you can let it go. Holding it in just makes it bigger and more frightening (in my experience, anyway). Love you!

Gwen said...

Anonymous -- I thank you for the advice you gave to me (and Kate & Brian... xo) -- I am hoping & praying I AM making the best decisions I can for them -- especially Lola. Just hate that thought of questioning myself -- questioning EVERYTHING. But I'm sooooo glad I'm not alone. xo

Thanks a million @Carolyn -- I love you & your family SO VERY MUCH. You have been my role model since day 1 with your D -- THANKS for the wisdom & perspective. xoxo

Gwen said...

@lynne -- you made me SMILE!!!!! THANK YOU! MUCH NEEDED!!!!!!!!!! <3 to you & yours -- soooo glad to have met you guys! xo

@Anonymous #2 -- your words touched me deeply. THANKS from the bottom of my heart.

@Stephanie O'Dea -- Girl, you KNOW I love you!!!!!! My friend for the past 14+ years! THANK YOU for always saying the perfect thing to make me feel better. I love you, Mama. xoxo

Gwen said...

@The Every Day Extraordinary ~ J, I adore you. I have always loved your positive attitude through even the toughest of times (the accident, especially & now the job change). You inspire ME -- to remember I AM protected, watched over, and loved no matter what. THANK YOU for that -- I love you, my friend. xoxo

The Every Day Extraordinary said...

Muah!!!! xoxoxoxoxox

Jenny said...

You've totally got this.

Also, I had a giggling fit this morning thinking about CAAAAAAAM. I don't know why it popped into my head, but suddenly there you were in my mind, speaking low and slow.

Love you and that kiddo.

xoxo

Gwen said...

@Jenny -- We still do the CAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM thing in the grocery store ALL THE DAMN TIME. People look at us like we're nuts (we are though) & we just laugh. Totally works & I hope to God you are stealing this idea. LOL It's even better now because Cal's best friend's name is Cam so he's often over when we're yelling from upstairs to downstairs to each other, which confuses everyone even more. Good times! MISS & LOVE YOU! xoxo

kathryn callahan said...

I enjoyed hearing and getting updated on your family. Finally, I have Facebook active again.
So sorry to hear about your little "punkin" Lola. Wish we knew God's plan for her.
Sending you all positive thoughts and prayers.

smoo said...

Hey it's really hard when you are taking care of other people so much to keep tabs with you and be fully present as you. A lot of times i say to myself, this is going to catch up with me and at some point I am not sure I will know who I am. I know what I need to do is meditate or something but it is hard to do that. So every once in a while I realize I don't know how I feel about something or I feel lost or absent and it is part of the ride. I keep telling myself I will catch up at some point. Hopefully soon. Before I have to deal with losing one of the boys or a horrible health crisis of theirs.. Hang in there mama.

Chelle said...

Being scared, vulnerable, wanting to run, being absent, angry and even feeling debbie downer'ish are all emotions that are just as valid as being positive, strong, fearless, joyful and loving - it means you are real. Honor whatever comes up for you, acknowledge your mind for sharing it's stories/judgements and thank it with kindness, then go deep within yourself and explore your feelings around experiencing these emotions. By gifting yourself kindness and awareness you will move into acceptance and then the stillness will follow. Go gently, know that you are doing the best you can and that you are loved, so very deeply by your girls, your family and all the unique and wonderful people around you.

Gwen said...

@kathy, @smoo, @chelle -- THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH. Need to post an update on things to keep everyone in the loop on Miss Lola. Will try to do that soon. Been sooooo busy.

REALLY appreciate your feedback & reassuring words. Helped me more than you will ever know. xoxo

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...