Okay, so last night (or was it this morning?), I dreamt that like eight or nine different people (all of whom I know well -- hell, may have even been one of you!) saw me taking a dump. Not only did they keep walking in on me, but they also kept leaving the door open, and wouldn't you know that it happened DURING A PARTY (who craps during a shindig unless you have cha-cha-cha anyway?!?!?), so multiple people saw me:
A. Naked from the waist down
B. Possibly passing an actual turd
C. In a semi-hunched over shitting position (for speed, yo. Kind of like milking your own belly to help you go faster?! Should have hit up The Shit Whisperer instead!)
D. Standing up to wipe (please tell me I'm not the only one... it's just such a better angle! Scott disagrees & opts for the awkward side-cheek-tilt, which actually once cracked one of our wooden toilet seats. L is for LOSER.)
E. Pulling my pants back up
Each time my "friends" burst in on me, they looked, their eyes widened, they laughed hysterically, and then they said they were "SO SORRY!" before leaving again, conveniently leaving the door ajar. Each time, I would scream out between laughs & cries, "Seriously, can I not shit in peace?!?! SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR!!!!" Because even *I* knew that was some funny shit (pun intended), but I certainly didn't want to be the one they saw layin' logs. So it happened again... and again... and again.
Lest you think I'm a freak or something (oopsy daisies, too late for that…), for the record, I was only on the head for all of like 3-4 minutes as this all went down. I was being quick (you know, I went in sans iPhone)! Such bullshit.
Thoughts?!?!?! Decode me!!!!!
|My dog, Pre used to eat my other dog, Halley's lawn sausages straight from the tap, but that's a whole 'nother story!|
**This post was also featured on Aiming Low!
HONORED to be a guest writer over there!!**