Friday, May 30, 2014

The Poop Taco

Ok, so today I walk into the only carpeted room of our house upstairs to find what appeared to be a taco-shaped turd laying next to the changing table. It was different from a normal poo in that it had a defined D-shape. It was lacking convolutions, bumps and the normal length of our dogs' typical dumps, so this had me confused. I squint my eyes, flip on the light, and get close to view it better. It doesn't smell from 3 feet away, surprisingly. As I near 2 ft. away from the possible defecation, I begin to smell it. I get close enough to realize that it is brown and stinky like Mr. Hankey but not actually fecal matter.

I recognize it immediately upon closer inspection. Oh yes. It is clear to me now what I am seeing. I have been here before.  I know the culprit, and I am familiar with his fetishes. 

Cash (AKA Lover of the "Log Jam")

Yep. These vile "victims" make (roughly) the 38th & 39th known g-tube pads our dog, Cash, has thoughtlessly devoured. Most have not been recovered (Thank God), though several random shards have been found amidst actual droppings on Poop Scooping Day with much disgust from the Scoopee. 

Months will pass with no offenses, then other times, 3 are sacrificed in a span of 2 days (like this week). I am not dicking with you when I say that Cash has now officially eaten AT LEAST $156 worth of cloth g-tube pads in the first 22 months of his life. My homegirl, Kate with Tubie Toppers, isn't complaining, but this shit (pun intended) is getting fucking OLD up in here!!!!!

We don't know how Cash manages to find these because we have the basket of g-tube pads in an area he cannot reach. All of us and our babysitters/nurses know he is obsessed with these things & keep them up high at all times. When they come out of the dryer, we are on lockdown to prevent theft by whippet. But somehow he still prevails...

So fast forward to today, me 2 feet away from this gruesome, apparent shitstorm, and what option do I have but to pick the damn thing up?! I don't even flinch. I snatch it up with two fingers, carefully pry open the taco shape, and I spy #2... I mean 2 g-tube pads perfectly stacked on top of each other then folded exactly in half. They are both cold, wet, & completely saturated in dung juices/grass/hair/stool remnants.

I then did what any normal human being would do -- I sniffed it on the way to the trash. And then I proceeded to dry heave like a mofo. I threw them into the trash like a fucking boss and ran for the sink in case I hurled. I choked it down, washed my hands maniacally 4 times, and then reopened the trash can to photograph the crappy evidence for all of you.

You are welcome. 
Note:  Check out the disgusting dookie color, stuck-on grass, the random hair near
10 o'clock & surprisingly intact g-tube pads.
PS - Cash is a dick.

And yes, the brownish-blue/brownish-pink one was one I just bought like 10 days ago which today got filed under T for turd... I mean trash. The black pirate/skulls one was another fave, so suffice it to say Cash is currently topping my Shit List. Straight up. 

Faking innocence at the vet yesterday

I am not gonna lie, I contemplated trying to salvage the pads. They appeared untouched & unchewed (& who the fuck swallows two perfectly stacked g-tube pads whole?!?! Then somehow miraculously passes them still whole?!?!), so tossing them felt wrong on every level. Maybe I could try washing them multiple times or Cloroxing them overnight or boiling them in acetone?!?! In the end, none of these ideas seemed like good options, considering I planned to place these previously BM-encrusted pads ever-so-gently next to my precious daughter's open stoma to her stomach WHERE WE FEED HER. Ummm, yeah. Sadly, in the garbage is where the fake feces remained. 

On a side note, and I seriously cannot figure this out to save my ass... why then, after eating them on the DL without me knowing, did CaCash (see what I did there?!) decide to then pick up the poopoo taco in his mouth and bring it BACK IN the house to show me what he had done?  Was he possibly considering re-eating it? Licking it repeatedly like a poopsicle???  Playing with it like a damn toy?! Was it a "gift" for the girls?! Was it brought back in for spite or as a trophy of honor? Was he purposely taking me to Browntown?  Yes.  That must be it. Cash was flat-out sticking it to me. OMG, it is SO ON.

But all that being said, I love this goofball.  SO VERY  MUCH.  How could you not?!?!? He makes me laugh EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY!
And I love how he loves our sweet Lola, whose chest his nose is pressed against above. Pure love. 

"Love is like taking a dump, Butters. Sometimes it works itself out. But sometimes, you need to give it a nice hard slimy push."  ~Cartman



Anonymous said...

I am grotesquely fascinated and after observing it multiple times I am not convinced he pooped it. Are you sure it was feces and not vomit? Clementine has vomited up some ugly stuff that smelled poopish. The grass is what is throwing me. Why did he eat the grass if not to make himself barf. Plus how far does his pooper have to stretch to get that thing out? The questions outweigh the answers.


Gwen said...

Jeanie - I lightened the pic with a photo app so I could see which pads were lost. It was wayyyy browner & poopier looking in person. Seriously was dark brownish on the outside. And there is no grass in his pee/poop area - just concrete & rocks so Scott thinks it could have blown in from yard & stuck to it because our son just mowed. It was diameter wise similar to their usual dumps. The mystery continues... Lol

momsmom said...

Omfg I can't quit laughing. Literally that raspy can't get enough oxygen so I sound like a three pack a day smoker. I don't know who to thank.. Cash or Gwyn.

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