The Sprite Fight

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!  12 rounds of boxing for the Ultra-Extreme Lightweight Championship of the World!!!   Welcome to The Dwarf Duel, The Mini Match, The Bitty Battle, The Tiny Tussle, The Elfin Encounter, The Wee War, The Bantam Brawl, The Dinky Dogfight, The Minute Melee, The Bitsy Bout ~ The Pint-Sized Battle of the Ages!

Introducing first:  fighting out of the red corner, standing 1-feet, 11.5-inches tall, & weighing in at 10.2 pounds.  She holds a professional boxing record of 20 wins and 2 losses, with 10 wins by knockout.  She is the current, reigning, and defending Dwarf Champion.  Fighting out of Benton, Kansas:  Lola..."Faw-Gop"...HARTLEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Sizing up & staring down the competition., Mrs. Pocket is DEFINITELY ready to "go the distance" tonight.

Your Defending Champion, showboatin' & sportin' the hardware pre-match.  This epic bout is sure to be a real "barnburner!"

Fighting out of the blue corner, standing 1-feet, 1-inch tall, & weighing in at 1.6 pounds.  She holds a professional boxing record of 18 wins and 1 loss, with 6 wins by knockout.  Fighting out of Kansas City, Missouri and representing The Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles:  Fighting "Second To" NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!! 

Beware the "Heavenly Hands" of this Sister.  This "orthodox" (right-handed) brawler, known for her wicked straight right, is sure to keep Hartley on her heels (or maybe that's just the cerebral palsy... LOL) in this highly publicized & anticipated match for ALL the marbles!!!

   

Boxer's Handshake complete & now it's time to RUMBLE!!!!!!!  Both boxers passed the under-11-pound weigh-in, and an important note:  this match marks the FIRST weigh-in that Hartley ever weighed in HEAVIER than her opponent.  Whether or not that will work to her advantage or not, we will soon find out.

The match is underway, with Nun plotting her strategy carefully...playing into Lola's weaknesses, namely her rooting reflex.  If she can distract her with "the sucky-suck," she can then sneak attack with the...

...JAB TO THE BREADBASKET!  Classic move!!!!  Lola's "peek-a-boo" technique ~ hands protecting face ~ was DEFINITELY not the best choice here.  What a shame.  Nun totally "candy caned" Lola's ass with a strong left.  Ouch!  PROTECT YOUR BODY, DWARF!

Hartley, an unorthodox Southpaw, goes all "fisticuffs" (bare-knuckle) with the strong hook to the temple of Nun!!!  Nun appears to be patronizing Lola with her broad smile, but Polly Ann is onto her, smiling to herself as well, knowing she currently has the "upperhand."  Interesting strategy, too, wearing horizontal stripes, in order to hypnotize & disorient the Nun.  Definitely blurs the lines of where above & below the belt are, too.  Well played, Lola.  WELL PLAYED.

Nun is tactical, a regular inside fighter (up close & personal, yo), resulting in  Lola becoming slightly punch drunk.  One too many shots to the head will do that to a dwarf.  Dazed & confused, she presses on...

Nun perseveres with a stiff uppercut, though Lola delights in showing her that she feels no pain... observe her smug grin.  What's that I hear?  A Tommy Boy quote?  Why yes... Lola shouts, "If I would've wanted a kiss, I'd have asked your Mother!"  HOW...inappropriate.  LOL

KIDNEY PUNCH BY THE DWARF!!!!!!  *NOW* you've made her angry, Nun!  OH NO SHE DIDN'T just go all "rope-a-dope" on Nun!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  What a body blow!

SUCKER PUNCHED!  Nun proves she is no journeyman... she's in it to win it.

What?  What is that I spy?  Ummm, did Nun bust out an illegal Rabbit Punch???  SURELY she didn't just aim for the back of her head or neck...  Never would've expected such a low blow from a member of the clergy.

INTERESTING triple combo by the Nun.  Faw-Gop is definitely on the ropes on this one.  Is she pullin' punches?  Lola, show yourself!!!

STICK & MOVE!  Yeahhhhhhhhh!  Check out that fancy footwork post-jab!  P4P (pound-for-pound), these two pugilists have got what it takes to take it to the next level.  No pitty-pat punches in this bout, nosireeeeeee!

RIGHT IN THE KISSER!  Such intensity...  Does Nun think Lola has a glass jaw?  And WHY is Polly Ann leading with her chin? 

 

Another tough uppercut... Nun is trying to get Polly Ann to kiss the canvas!  Is it time to bum rush the fight??? 

Nun makin' her move with a lefty power punch, though it's evident Lola has a chin & will not back down.

Interesting strategy on Lola's part... teasing & confusing Nun with a slobbery kiss to the glove.  Is she throwing in the towel???  Is she "taking a dive" (AKA purposely losing the fight)???  Maybe this is just her way of saying, "Suck it?!"  HA!

OOOOOHHHHHHH!  NUN WITH THE HAYMAKER!!!!  This Sunday Punch may be the end of Mrs. Pocket...

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!  Lola = KTFO!  (get it?! :)

Celebrating with her Corner Man, Cal!

WE DID IT!!!!!!  KO!  By unanimous decision, we announce that Nun is...

ULTRA-EXTREME LIGHTWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!  (Sorry, Mrs. Pocket... you had your time to shine.)

NOTE:  NO DWARVES WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS FIGHT!!! 

(though it may appear so... that's just good photography!  LOL) 

A big thanks to Scott & Cal for assistance on this post!!!

A Dode By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet...

I'll be honest... lately I feel like I've been holding back a bit with my blogging.  On using curse words, you might ask?!  Well, that too (HA!  I must have some sailors in my family tree somewhere...sorry!), but mostly on what I call my kids & dogs, as in their names/nicknames.  While most people usually have a nickname or two for their children, usually a simple variant of their actual name, we have MANY, and most are just plain WEIRD (and perhaps inappropriate... big surprise there!).  I've SO BAD wanted to unleash a few of them in previous blog posts, as they're familiar, frequently-used, & dammit, they make me SMILE (!), but I've held back.  I didn't want to confuse/offend anyone. 

So... I've composed this blog post to "clear it ALL up for you" (or in this case, likely confuse you further!!!) and to serve as a rudimentary "cheat sheet" when it comes to f'ed up monikers used in the Hooligan household.  :)

Geesh, where to begin!? 

First off, Scott & I.  We are SIMPLE.  Easy.  To-the-point.  All ya' gotta know is this:  we call each other by the SAME NAME. Always have, always will.  I can barely remember WHY we call each other this, but we just ALWAYS HAVE.  We call each other "Cam."  Yep, I know.  We're nuts.  I *THINK* we coined this nickname back when we were dating & I used to have THE BEST DOG EVAHHHH named Cocoa, a white toy poodle, who was THE smartest dog on the planet.  (On a side note, once we actually yelled out to Cocoa, "Get up on the fireplace!!!" and that dog, who'd NEVER been told that in her 15 years of life turned & actually JUMPED UP ON THE DAMN FIREPLACE like 20 seconds later.  Seriously.  WTF?  She was BRILLIANT.)  Anyway, Cocoa grew increasingly deaf as time went on, and the only thing she could hear was LOW, LOUD-ASS VOICES.  I'm talkin' Barry White low.  :)Not sure HOW she got the nickname "Cam", but we'd bellow out our LOWEST & LOUDEST "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" and she'd come running.  Highly effective, fun to use, and it stuck.  Ever since, we have called EACH OTHER "Cam."

Circa 1994 ~ Double CAAAAAAAAAAAM!

We've found it to be really useful especially when out grocery shopping.  Picture this scenario:  You run a few aisles over to grab the Tostitos you forgot & while you were there, you remembered you also needed black beans, so you hopped another few aisles over to retrieve those, and in the meantime, your spouse has done the same with the Cheerios and rice milk, so now you've completely lost track of one another!  EASY SOLUTION HERE.  Simply bust out your loudest & lowest "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!" and you can immediately reconnect with ease.  We're already drawing stares due to this phenomenon (!), so it's all good when onlookers now have even more ammo to declare you a weirdo.  :)

This is where it gets a bit trickier.  For some odd reason, our children & pets take the brunt of our nickname extravaganza.  Not sure WHY, but we've gone a bit apeshit on them.  I don't think it's intentional, and very few of them seem to stick for extra long periods of time, though a few have.  Trusty nicknames.  Ones to fall back on & reuse as appropriate.  For example...

Let's begin with Cal.  Simple name, right?  Just Cal.  Not short for Calvin or Calvert or Calhoun or anything fancy.  Just Cal.  So... when he got in trouble, he became "CAL AUSTIN!!!!"  For shits & giggles, we call him "Cali" & interject as many "Goin' back to Cali" lines as is humanly possible.  (I will impart my love for LL Cool J on him before it's all said & done... LOL)  The "CAL AUSTIN!!!", when said suuuuuuuper fast sounds like "Colostrum", which yes, is a pre-cursor to breastmilk.  HAHHAHA.  That didn't stick for long, and it was when he was really young & nursing, so it just fit.  It was more of an inside joke between Scott & I, jokin' about our little nurser.  This evolved into the more socially acceptable "Lossy" as well as "Trum", which also were short lived, as no one (except us & our warped minds) really got it.  :)

Cal & Scott then went through a time -- just the two of them -- where they called each other "Nimms" and "Tibbs."  I never figured this exchange out... but it didn't involve me, and I was calling him "Gaylord" or "Gay" at that time.  I joked after watching Meet the Parents that we were THIS CLOSE to naming him Gaylord "Gay" Hartley.  It IS a family name, after all... he still doesn't believe me.  But it's a nice threat.  HA!

I'm embarrassed to say that the most widely used nickname for Cal at this point is actually his own self-created "curse word" which originated around 2000-2001.  We'd actually forgotten about this until about a year or so ago when Scott busted it out of his mental archives.  He said, "OMG!  Do you remember when Cal got all pissed at us & did that funny hand gesture & said, 'You dumb... DODES!' and we weren't sure whether to laugh our asses off or discipline him for possibly cussing?!?!?"  We could NOT stop laughing & decided to "bring it back."  The world should not be deprived of such an inventive word!

Oh, and let us not forget the hand gesture he ALWAYS did when he called us "dodes" back in the day.  Observe below...

March 3, 2011 ~ Recreating The OD with a smug grin -- AKA Original Dode.  Notice fingers all together in a cluster, pointed downward.  It's emphasized by starting high & "doding" down with enthusiasm.  It's a classic move, though it can be made more powerful by "Double Doding", or using BOTH HANDS either simultaneously or in alternating dode fashion.  Last night Cal busted out a short-armed, alternating dode at Bonefish Grill to some guy's back who cut in front of us at the hostess stand.  HIGHLY effective.  :)

"Dode" has evolved into some lesser-used, more inappropriate handles such as "Dodehole," "Dodeface," as well as "Double Dode," a variation on KFC's "Double Down."  However, plain ol' "Dode" just fits.  DEFINITELY a keeper.

Our most "normal" (as if!) nickname for Cal right now is "Carl," which came to be by a simple typo, but which makes ALL of us laugh almost as much as "Dode."  HA!

On to Claire... Since the beginning, Claire has ALWAYS been "Claire-bug," "Bug," "Buggy," "Buggaboo," & "Claire-bugga-boo."  She always was our ladybug girl!  That evolved into "Boo" or "Boo-Boo," which later became "Boo-Gee" (emphasis on GEE!).  This turned into "Gee-Gee" and "Boo-Geers" as well as "Boo-Gin Boo-Geers," said by Cal no short of 743 times daily when he was approximately 3 years old.  Everyone thought she looked like me, hence the "Mini-Me" nickname.  "Mimi" followed as well as "Meems."  Ever popular was "Mimi LaRue," "LaRue," "Roo," and recently, "Mrs. Mimi." 

March 3, 2011 ~ Claire during PT, with Pre looking on & Polly Pocket in a face-off/dwarf-off.  Notice the rear-Lola hair shot... hilarious for age damn-near- 5.  LOL 

When Cal was also around age 3, he nicknamed Claire's hands "Noozey" & "Neerms" and his own hands "Bird" and "Muscles."  NO CLUE WHY, but he used to "dode" on the top of her hands & her little fingers would pop open & her hand would fly up into the air & Cal would LAUGH & LAUGH.  Then he'd sniff "Noozey" and "Neerms" (which smelled like feta cheese, due to being fisted/clenched all the time!) & say "Boo-Gin Boo-Geerz" like 48 more times.  I thought I might lose it.  LOL  "Bird" and "Muscles" were bullies then & still are today. 

February 24, 2011 ~ Claire sportin' her "boxing glove" splints & checkin' out "Neerms" in action! 

Lola!  For a LONG time, Lola only had a few basic, if not NORMAL nicknames.  We were ashamed about this.  She first was "Lolita" because she was so tiny, which evolved into "Lita."  "LG" followed, as her middle name is Grace.  My Mom actually asked me after a few months of calling Lola "LG" what that stood for.  She said, "Does that stand for Little Girl???"  Ummmm, NO MOM, it's for "LOLA GRACE!!!!!"  HA!  In the meantime, we discovered they were truly going to get dwarf diagnoses, so we started calling her "Dwarf" or "Dwarfee" then finally "Dwofee," you know, "Dwarf" with a soft R.  WTF?! 

When Lola was nursing, she'd fiddle around latching on.  She'd bob-bob-bob around & root all over & the ONLY solution was to yell, "GET IT & NURSE IT!!!!!!!!!" really loud & she'd just latch right on & go to town.  We used to joke that she preferred one side (left -- apparently SO much better?!) & so my "girls" became "Nipple" & "Gipple." (TMI?  Too far?!  HA!)  Gipple was cherished & Nipple was shunned.  So, instead of saying, "Get it & nurse it!" we started saying, "GET IT & GIPPLE!"  This evolved to "Got it & gopple."  And so... after a few weeks, Lola became "Gipple."  Then "Gopple."  Then "Gop."  Then "GopChop."  Then, in order to try to get her to gain weight, we started telling her she was fat, putting The Secret into practice.  So then she became "Fat Gop."  Then "Fot Gop."  Then lastly... "Faw Gop."  If you say "Faw Gop" really fast & choppy & shorten it up, you get the worst nickname of ALL TIME (but by far the funniest!!!!!!) ~ "Fock."  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

February 27, 2011 ~ Our little Fock sportin' some SERIOUS bed head & drool!!!!!!! 

I played Polly Pocket dolls with my niece one day & it struck me that Lola basically WAS one of them.  We started calling her "Polly Pocket" then "Polly Ann Pocket" then "Polly Ann" then "Mrs. Pocket" then "Ann" then "Mrs. Ann."  God, we're sick.  LOL

March 3, 2011 ~ Mrs. Pocket on her best behavior! 

In closing, it wouldn't be right to not mention the dogs, whose nicknames are just as priceless.  :)

So... our almost 14-year-old Italian Greyhound, Pre, was named after Steve Prefontaine, the distance running great.  Obviously he's been called "Prefontaine," "Steve," "Steve-O," & "Pre-Fe"... but then it became "Pre-fe-on-te-aine" and the unpretty "Erp" (Pre spelled backwards ~ Cal coined this one, I nixed it.  Wasn't dorky enough.  LOL).  Lately, he has been called "Black Cat" and "Snots," affectionately, due to his illness (chronic, nasty, sticky, green, stringy nasal drainage which was thought to be caused by cancer several years ago & didn't pan out to be, THANK GOD!).  "Roll over & let Clark scratch your belly!"  HA! 

Lastly, our 2 year old whippet, Romeo, often takes the brunt of our nickname mania because he is SO SILLY!  He got called the ushe "Rome," "Romes," & "Romero" until that grew boring.  We started noticing how cat-like he was with many things he did, so we started telling him he was a VERY BAD KITTY, a la the movie Madagascar (remember the old lady who beat the crap outta the lion?!  Not that WE would do that, but she was a riot!), when he was naughty.  Hence, he became "Bad Kitty" which led to "Kitty Cat" and finally straight-up "Kitty" and "Cat."  "Cat" stuck the most, and it remains his most widely-used handle.  It has evolved in & of itself to "Captain Cat," "Fat Cat," "Mr. Cat," and the ever-dorky-yet-friggin'-hilarious "Mr. Hat" (think South Park).  Somehow "Cat" also led to "Cap."  And "Cap" became "CapCat" as well as "Capricorn," which cracks ALL of us up the most.  Have you EVER heard of a dog named "Capricorn?!"  HA!  "Capricorn" became "Corn" & a few inappropriate Dane Cook lines came into play here between Scott & I only (HA!), which I will leave up to YOU GUYS to Google, as it's not even appropriate in MY mind, which says a lot.  :)

"Cap" and "Cat" sounded so much like "Cack", that he is sometimes called that under our breath, as it sounds wayyyyyy too much like something similar, also inappropriate.  Our bad.  :)  Keepin' that one on the DL a bit, but it's a fun one to use from time-to-time!  LOL  "Cap" also led to "Crap" as well as "Craptain" & "CrapCat," sadly.  Poor dog.  I am QUITE SURE our "White Cat" is scarred for life, but hopefully he knows all this is outta love!!!!  xo

Thoroughly confused much?!??!?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Alrighty, from the gal who, back in high school, thought her name MIGHT just be "Smart Ass" from all that times I was told that I was one, I am officially signing off.  :)

"Smart Ass" ~ Circa 1992 ~ Big hair much!?  DAMN!!!!!!  (Not sure what is up with the stripey scan job.  Classy.)

Night, Dodes!

February 27, 2011 ~ Carl & Faw Gop ~ xo

Pillow Talk ~ Part 2

...So, after I threw down with that BAMF-wannabe spider, got some MUCH needed shut-eye, reemerged into the upstairs world, tried to sleep some more but failed miserably, then started some saucy pillow talk with my man... he finally admitted that he DREAMT.  And best of all, HE REMEMBERED IT!  This is rare for Scott, I tell you.  He seldom dreams, and when he does, 99.9% of the time, he cannot recall ANY of it (not even the topic, you might ask?  HELLLLLL no.  I DO NOT get this!!!  I dream NIGHTLY & they're always reeeeally f'ed up as if I'm totally pregnant, but I'm SO NOT.  LOL).  When he does remember a dream, seriously, maybe once or twice a year AT BEST, it's usually fragmented, crazy boring, & pointless, in comparison to mine.  (Sorry honey, but it's TRUE.)  I try to dream-analyze the shit out of it with hopes of finding some hidden message which will rock my world &/or give me clues into my man's innermost thoughts & feelings, usually to no avail. 

I can only think of ONE of Scott's dreams since we were married nearly 14 years ago that had significance, and part of me is too terrified to tell it.  It's NEVER left me since he shared it probably 8-9 years ago.  It's too difficult.  Painful.  Raw.  Private.  Possible.  *CANNOT* go there.  But let's just say it involved Claire's transition viewed from Scott's eyes, and it was shortly after her birth when we'd been given the most devastating prognosis for her life by multiple doctors.  I do not GET THAT -- why doctors offer parents in a situation such as ours so little hope for our precious childrens' lives!  I hear it time & time again from parents that a doctor said, "He'll never survive the night" & the child lived 5 years or "She won't walk till she's at least 5 or 6" and she's up & runnin' at 18 months.  Seriously... WHY NOT give us the lowdown on our kids' brains/bodies/lives/futures as KINDLY & COMPASSIONATELY as possible (remember, you are CHANGING THE VERY COURSE OF OUR ENTIRE FAMILY'S LIVES (or is it LIFE?!  Whatever.) WITH YOUR WORDS, DOC!) & THEN say, "But in the end, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, so love the HELL outta your kids for as long as you are blessed with 'em.  Make each second count."  If only...

Anyway... back to the point (and I promise, I DO have one!!!) & off the dad-gum soapbox!  YIKES!  Sorry about that...  So, here's what I found out in "dramatic monologue" form... wait, wouldn't that be dialogue?!  Technicalities!  LOL  Here goes...

Gwen -- "Tell me ALLLLLLLL about it!  I'm so excited you FINALLY dreamt!" 

Scott --  "Well, it was sort of weird because we were at this exact point in our lives ~ married with our 3 kids.  All of a sudden, we awoke one day and were parents of TWINS.  Yes, TWINS.  And get this, Gwen.  Claire & Lola were twins in the dream, too.  Our second set of twins were born with Down Syndrome." 

Gwen -- "REEEEALLY... <pause>  Did we know before their birth that they had Down Syndrome or were we surprised the day of their birth?"

Scott -- "We did no testing ahead of time.  Didn't even know you were having twins until the day they were born!"

Gwen -- "So how did we handle it emotionally?" 

Scott -- "It was weird because it was just like the newest twins were 2 years old at birth.  Kind of skipped the whole newborn stage..."

Gwen -- "So what did we name them?!  Do you remember?!?!?" (Do you think it's odd I cared more about the names than the diagnosis?!  Friggin' LOVE that.  :)

Scott -- "Well, we still hadn't named them when they were 2, but we decided we should probably do that, so we started talking about it real lackadaisically.  You were set on using Lynsey as a middle name for one of them, no clue why.  So we had to try to find a first name to go with that.  Cal suggested Kaitlyn (those of you who know Cal know why!!!!  :), and you said, "Sounds good!  Kaitlyn Lynsey -- let's just use that!"

Gwen -- "I've always loved the name Kate."  (I SO have!  So classic, timeless, perfect!)

Scott -- "Anyway!  So we just used that for one of them, and she was the hyper one.  VERY active, we always had to watch her, she was everywhere, bouncing off the walls!!!  She'd run out the front door, and we'd have to chase her into the street.  She would climb all over the furniture ~ she was WILD!  But she cracked us UP!  Never a dull moment with her."

Gwen -- "So we had 5 kids??  2 sets of twins?!??!  What did we name the other one?"

Scott -- "I chose Katherine because I always liked that name.  And immediately you yelled, "We could call her KATIE!"  And I kept saying, "NO!  We already have a Kaitlyn!  I've always loved the name Kat."

Gwen -- "Is this for reals that you love the name Kat, or is that part of the dream?! Huh?!"

Scott -- "No, I DO love the nickname Kat... it's a sexy little name, but that's reeeeally creepy, considering I'm talking about our 2 year old daughter.  Ewww."  (which I think launched into some mention on my part of Kat Von D, and whether he found HER sexy... to which I'm pretty sure, now that I think about it, he didn't answer!  Hmmmmm.  Must. Pry. Further.  LOL)

Gwen -- "We seriously named our kids Kaitlyn & Katherine?  Both are short for Katie?!  WTH!?  What was Katherine like?"

Scott -- "She was soooo sweet, adorable, easy to be around, & gentle.  She & Kaitlyn were SO different.  She always had these big, gorgeous eyes staring up at us, lookin' SO cute ALL THE DAMN TIME.  She was slightly larger than Kaitlyn, and MUCH larger/chubbier than Claire & Lola."

Gwen -- "So how did we handle it??!?!?!"

Scott -- "We just DID.  We just loved our lives, as we do now.  We made it work.  We had SO much fun every day with our 5 kids."

Gwen -- "I could never handle twins, I'm pretty sure.  Not sure that I could emotionally handle a 3rd & 4th child with special needs either.  How did we not break down?!"

Scott -- "In the dream, we only had one moment where we were really sad and teary.  We were sitting on the couch together, Cal was gone, and we had 4 little seats/beanbags all around us, each occupied by one of our 4 children with special needs.  I looked at you, with tears in my eyes, and I said, "What are the f***ing odds????  We'd have twins with microcephaly AND twins with Down Syndrome?!  Seriously, what are the odds?!??!?!"  We cried together, hugged each other, & then LIFE WENT ON." 

Gwen -- "Is this some sort of sign from God?!?!?"

Scott -- "Actually, as messed up as it sounds, I totally think I dreamt this because we've been dog-sitting Mags & Stella."  (These are Scott's brother's 2 pugs, whose personalities are surprisingly similar to Kaitlyn & Katherine's!!!)

Scott with Stella & Mags  ~  February 2011

Gwen -- "WHAT?!  You think because we've been around the pugs for a few days that you are now dreaming that our kids act like THEM?!?!?  You're a freak."  LOL

Scott laughed.  "I'm not saying the pugs act as if they have special needs or that our kids act like DOGS, but personality-wise, they acted the SAME!  Katherine was more laid-back like Mags, and Kaitlyn was more high-strung & active like Stella."

Gwen -- "We need a qualified dream interpreter to figure this mofo out.  You've got serious issues, dude.  LOL"

Scott -- "At least my dreams usually aren't as jacked up as *your* dreams..."  (This one clearly might have been!!!  Unbe-freakin'-lievable!  By this point, I am now reeeeally questioning my interest of "getting into Scott's head" by hearing his dreams.  He's WEIRD, yo.  :)

Cal & Mags, with Romeo "shakin' hands" around back.  :)  HA!  Please refrain from looking at the background of this pic -- why yes, yes that IS a trash can on its side on top of a box on top of a file cabinet in our DINING ROOM, for Pete's sake.  WTF?  We are having some floors refinished so the entire office has been temporarily relocated.  Happy to report it's back to "normal" around here (hahahah -- I find THAT statement hilarious!!!!!!!).  :)

They say after awhile that (temporary) owners start looking like their dogs... hahahahahaha.  Kidding.  (sort of!)  Stella loves Lola!!!  She could not get enough of her!!!  Lola, on the other hand, was not so sure...  observe A) dukes up, B) scowl on face, & C) famous "go to hell" look in Lola's eyes in full effect, y'all.  Brat!  LOL

Stella sit-standing behind Scott on the back of our chair.  She is DEFINITELY part cat.  :)  The girl can CLIMB!!!

Stella + Cal = Buddies!

Mags' head shot ~ Model material! ~ February 2011

Stella-Bella is all smiles! ~ February 2011

Mayhem at the Hooligan House!  JUST the way we like it!!!  (Romeo could NOT quit playing grab-ass with the pugs the whole time... hahahahahaha!  Pre was just disinterested mostly... total man-diva.  HA!)

Much love to our pug nieces, Mags & Stella, and thanks to Brett, Lynda, & Ali for sharing your sweeties with us for a few days!  We had a blast!  xoxoxo

So... what DO you think Scott's loco dream meant?  Did it represent something?  Should I be setting him up with some serious counseling sessions?!  LOL  Oh, and DO NOT tell me that it is evident he wants more kids... because we are TOTALLY at our 2-dwarf maximum.  :) 

Discuss amongst yourselves...

Pillow Talk ~ Part 1

All I know is that for my own entertainment value, I need to start sleeping downstairs by myself -- sans kids! -- a LOT more often!!!  Drag your minds out of the gutter, you pervs... it's not THAT!  Here's the lowdown...

OK, so Scott was out of town for 7 days/6 nights this past week (I could probably give you hours/minutes if you want, I was countin' 'em down!!!).  Those of you who know our dwarves know what implications that has on MY LIFE when he's gone.  And I am CERTAINLY not complaining, as I'd gladly care for my children every day for the rest of my life if I could be so lucky... they are my world.  However, it's DAMN HARD as a "single mom." (my hat's WAYYYY off to those of you who take on that role daily -- y'all ROCK!!!)

When Scott's gone, it is normally a craptastic, week-long, sleepless & chaotic slumber party against my own will hosted by Dwarf 1 & Dwarf 2.  They become instant nocturnal creatures for a week, and honestly, their track records are not too whippy when it comes to average hours of sleep per night while Daddy is gone.  Not sure WHAT they are thinking, but I'm pretty sure I overheard the girls saying this before Daddy left:  "OK, powwow.  Game plan:  tag-team torture Mom till Dad comes home so that she is SOOOOOO miserable she makes DAMN SURE he never leaves us alone EVER AGAIN!!!!!!  It's GO TIME!"  They're MEAN!  And IT BLOWS.

So, this go-around, I was pleasantly surprised that Claire & Lola were so... ummm, PERFECT?!  We truly only had one, maybe two nights that were questionable, while the rest were surprisingly SLEEP-FILLED.  I know, SHOCKING, right?!

I still made Scott promise pre-trip that upon his return -- no matter how good or bad they were --  I would get at least ONE night of uninterrupted sleep IN THE BASEMENT (it is sooooo quiet & peaceful & DARK down there!) with nobody clinging to/pooping, arching, or barfing on/grunting or coughing near me.  I was pleasantly surprised that Scott offered this "Freebie Night" to me last night.  And the cool part was that it was one of those nights where, as a parent, you just want to GO TO SLEEP as if you had no kids and/or proper hygiene for yourself.  You know, just skip the tooth brushing, face washing, & getting the kids fed/changed/burped/held upright for 45 minutes till I can no longer sit vertically anymore.  (yes, that's my nighttime routine -- everyday for the past 9+ years.  NO PITY, DAMMIT!  I hate pity, and I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!)

So I made that statement to Scott, "I just wish I could GO TO BED RIGHT THIS SECOND WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING... I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FREAKIN' TIRED!!!!!!!!"  And the most wonderful, needed words *EVER* came pouring instantly out of my perfect husband's mouth. "Why don't you just go sleep downstairs tonight?"  My response... "REALLY!?!??!??!??!"  (did I sound too excited?  Would he retract the offer?!)  "Ummmm, seriously?", I said.  "I don't give a shit.  I got this," he replied.  Exact words.  I was never so "outta there" that quick in ALLLLLLLL my life!  Grabbed my pillow, hugged & kissed Scott, & I beelined to the basement, almost giddy!.  Didn't even tell the kids goodnight!  Great Mommy moment.  Yep, yep.  I had 7 hours of sleep starin' me in the face that moment, and that was all that mattered.

The basement was dark, cool & quiet, and so I did that really super childish turn-each-light-on-all-the-way-back-to-the-bedroom-just-in-case-something-scary-lurks trick that I did when I was like 12 (no offense, Cal -- I know you're 12, and maybe I AM calling you childish!!!).  I make it back to the bedroom, get everything ready for the best night's sleep EVER & then go back & flip all the switches off really fast, then sprint back to the bedroom so I was "safe."  I'm such a dork.

I grab the throw pillow off the bed & get ready to pull the sheets down to get into bed, and I spot it.  OMG, if I have one & only ONE phobia, it's SPIDERS.  Mostly big, hairy "Wolfy spiders" (I'll spare you the details of one of the worst dreams of my LIFE, which may or may not have involved me being chased up my parents' basement stairs by a LIFE-SIZED Wolf spider, who was grabbing me with his hairy, huge, nasty-looking legs & it's 8 (or was it 6?!) eyes were red/squinty/full of pure hate, and I could not run fast enough to save myself, while his pointy fangs were gnashing & it was HORRIFYING & still haunts me to this day even though I dreamt that like in 11th grade.  OMG!!!!!  Longest run-on ever!!!  LOL), but ANY SIZE of spider just freaks me the hell out.  I'm a pansy ass, I'll admit it.  They are mostly harmless, but I am pretty sure this was a Brown Recluse.  Or maybe I just pretended it was because it was so icky.  Regardless, it was haulin' booty to get off the bed away from me so it could fake like it was scared of me when really it just wanted to stalk me & then suck my juices out while I slept, so I had to act quick.  No Kleenex in sight, no towel, nothin'.  I was screwed!  I had to destroy it or I'd NEVER sleep on my perfect, (hopefully) sleep-filled night! 

I panicked... it was getting away!  It was at a full sprint in spider speed (which scared me more than I want to admit), so I jumped on the bed & smacked it with my BARE HAND.  Ummm, yeah.  I had to.  The safety of this household depended on it!!!  I am cringing as I type this... SO.  FREAKIN'.  DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  No juice squished out, but I did dismember one leg & the rest of the body was in a full-on seizure-type motion, so I darted to the bathroom where I grabbed some Kleenex & with lightning speed, I grabbed it (somehow?!) through 7 thicknesses (1 tissue never cuts it with spiders...) & threw it into the toilet without squeezing.  That part always grosses me out.  I then peed on it & flushed it down.  Justice was served.

I triple-checked the entire bedroom for it's cohorts, as they ALWAYS travel in pairs, I've found.  Thought I spotted one on the floor, but it was just black lint.  DOH!  I had nothin'.  I had to let it go.  I'd wasted like 6 minutes already wrestling that damn poisonous monster & then looking for his reinforcements!  Ridic.  Hopped into bed & prayed to God that I would sleep the sleep of angels... and I *SO* did.

You probably think the story ends here... but alas, you are sorely mistaken.  I'd pre-set my cell phone alarm to wake me at promptly 8:00 am so I could go relieve the hubster & let him go to work, hopefully after he too (and the girls) had gotten phenomenal sleep.  The better sleep he gets with them, the more likely I am to get future nights in the glorious basement getaway, so I'm all for the dwarves being good to Daddy!!!  I sashay (is that even a word?!  Why yes, yes it is...) upstairs & awaken to find the TV on, Scott passed out asleep in bed, Claire knocked out on the floor right next to Scott in her beanbag, sawin' logs, and Polly Ann Pocket is in her puffy-blanket-lined car seat right next to Scott, apparently content but very much AWAKE.  Interesting turn of events... 

I climb in on my side, and I try to go back to sleep, but I know it's going to be impossible.  Once I'm up, I'm up.  I still want to hear how it went, and if it's possible to sleep another hour in my bed (soooo comfy -- I did miss my memory foam bed, I won't lie), I'm all over that opportunity.  20-30 minutes passes, and it's clear I FOR SURE won't be able to go back to sleep.  I hear Scott stir, and I am hesitant to inquire all about it for fear it was a total cluster.  Here's our banter...

Gwen -- "So!  How'd it go?  You all rested?" 

Scott -- "It went OK..." 

WHEW.  He wakes up a bit more & I push further...

Gwen -- "So you got some decent sleep?" 

Scott -- "Yep, Lola slept from 1:00 am till 6:30 am... then she proceeded to wake up & take the dump of the century." 

Gwen -- "You bring out the best in her.  Hell, in ALL our kids.  CRAZY!"  (He has had to help ALL 3 OF OUR KIDS poop -- it's as if they cannot do it themselves?!  Cal was most effective with the "running man" in combo with the vibrating bouncy seat.  Claire did best with straight-up belly milking, and Lola, well, she's the most complex dumper of all, see below for specifics... WTH?!?!?)

Scott -- "It's like I am ONE with our kids' turds!"

Gwen -- "You're a freak.  You are an expert because of all the time *YOU* spend crapping.  It's insane!"

Scott -- "Yep, I am quite experienced in that department.  I really am just playing games while I'm in there... Yahtzee, Sudoku, etc."

Gwen -- "Nice try.  You waste hours a day crapping.  Actually, you trained your whole life for these moments... you have a gift.  You are the Poopmaster!"

Scott -- "I'm like... what's that one show?  The Horse Whisperer???"

Gwen -- "Yes, you're the Shit Whisperer."

Sadly, this is Lola's best pooping form. LOL  Not a standard technique by any means, but it's highly effective in combination with the age-old, gentle belly-milking technique.  Notice the sitting position, knees/hips at 90-90, up on her damp, clammy, cool heels, staring off into the distance, facing outward.  Aaaahhhh, yes.  Victory is mine.  Poopmaster succeeds again!!!

HAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHA!  We laughed for a LONG time about that one.  And then he tells me more about Lola's dumping escapades & her behavior post-poop.  He tells me how after she "finished the job," she was content but not tired.  He tells me that he was ready to go back to Dreamland with Claire.  He tells me that he wanted to see if she would continue to behave, so he put her into that cushy car seat & she LIKED IT.  And how she was "bored" so he turned on the TV to PBS & she was diggin' Curious George so he left it on for her while he went to sleep.  HA!  I find this all simply hilarious, in part because we think Lola is a bit monkey-ish looking at times (hey, we love her & just JOKE about this, probably because she wears a lot of Paul Frank gear from Target.  LOVE that stuff!).  And also because I'm pretty sure Curious George has microcephaly, ironically.  For example...

Exhibit A ~ notice hat which is wayyyyyy too large for his melon.  Telling indeed...  this is how ALL "normal" hats fit our girls' tiny heads.

And I present you with Exhibit B...

Yep, not much "head" up there.  But he is happy, with surprisingly awesome muscle tone!  Clearly no spastic quad CP present.  I'm so bad.  :)

Scott reports that Mrs. Pocket watched 10 minutes of it & then had to turn away.  I tend to get that way with Curious George, too.  A bit of a train wreck.  He angled her car seat toward him, and then she did quick glances at the TV as she could tolerate.  Had to keep up with "her peeps." 

Oh, and Scott also reported that when he first put Claire right next to the bed in her trusty beanbag in her FAVORITE position of all time (on her tummy, head higher than feet, arms out front, legs scissored, feeding tube hook-up pressed down into a man-made beanbag "hole" to take pressure off her belly -- we've got this down pat!), she kept looking up at him with her most precious, cross-eyed look EVER.  My girl totally has my heart with this expression, and it's something that if you knew her as we do, you would know that when she does this, SHE IS SEEING.  Those moments are few & far between, and we CHERISH them whenever we are blessed with them!  So anyway, she was giving him her sweetest face, beckoning her Daddy with her charm, staring him down with nothin' but love ~ basically throwin' down ALL her best moves!  He said he felt so bad he couldn't hold her in his arms (as he does every other night -- she is SUCH a Daddy's Girl!!!), as it was hard to turn down THIS FACE...

October 29, 2003 ~ age 2 ~ Sweetest face EVER.  You are my heart, Claire-bug.

April 5, 2010 ~ not quite as much "focus" (AKA crossed eyes) but still one of the most captivating, beautiful children I've EVER seen in my entire life.  Those eyes... OMG.

OK, so fast forward beyond the poop talk, past us laughing our butts off, to a rare moment when Scott told me something which I almost NEVER hear -- maybe only 1-2 times PER YEAR -- if that! -- does he say this to me...  Scott said, "I had a dream.  It was long.  And I remember ALL OF IT."

 

*TO BE CONTINUED!!!*

Size matters?!

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future."

~J.R.R. Tolkien

December 31, 2010

 Being the parent of not one but *TWO* children with dwarfism, I am POSITIVE that my view of what “tiny” is probably is quite skewed.  As mentioned in this post, I DO see it more clearly from time to time.  I won’t lie, being a stay-at-home Mom to my girls & spending 24/7 (mostly!) with them, I have become callous to their petite size.  But if you knew me well & what we’ve been through since Claire’s birth in 2001, you’d know that I am more than a little aware of just how small my girls are & the implications that go along with this.

Without boring you with the details, let’s just say that we’ve been through it all with Claire regarding trying to “figure it all out.”  After TONS of tests, blood work, appointments, weight checks, researching, questioning, worrying, freaking out, and panicking… we realized one thing & ONLY one thing.  THIS IS CLAIRE.  This is who she is.  She IS tiny, she has dwarfism, she will NEVER be typical in size or development, she is clearly charting her own course in this life, she is not just beating but SMASHING the odds against her (she lived WELL past age 1, Dr. Dobyns, thankyouverymuch!), and this child represents nothing but pure love.  Who are we to judge and/or try to change her life’s path??? 

So, our goal (after we finally got our shit stuff together!) was to just honor who Claire was & OPTIMIZE HER LIFE in whatever way we could.  

That has been our mission with Lola, too.  And it has STILL been a challenge!  Lola is MUCH tinier than Claire at the same age (to the tune of 4-5 lb. lighter?!?!).  Crazy.  I am much less concerned this go-around, mostly because I’ve stopped the whole “tiny = borrowed time” thought process in my head & I burned those evil $475 digital baby scales.  Kidding about the latter, but trust me, I SO wanted to SOOOO many times! (ditto ALL scales!  LOL)  Obsessing about the numbers BLOWS.  I’m done with that crapola.

I DO still occasionally whip out my trusty head circumference measurer thingy... as you can tell, Lola's TOTALLY learned the "Go to Hell!" look from her sister... LOL  And YES, her head circumference HAS only hit 12.25" circumference, sadly.  (up from the 10's at birth)  WOW.  Yes, this DOES still "bother me" ~ but what can I do?  Love the HECK outta that tiny little noggin!!!!!!!!  How can you not?!?!? Poor kid probably gets 200 kisses (or more) a day!  xoxo

Life is wayyyyyyy too freakin' short to waste it WORRYING.  I was once told that "worry is interest paid in advance on a debt you may never owe."  I love that!  It also reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend who lost a child a few years prior.  We were having a conversation about life, loss, and how it's humanly possible to "move on" beyond something so devastating.  I told her that it felt wrong to "ignore" this diagnosis Claire & Lola were given, and to do so felt like I was being naive.  She told me something I'll NEVER forget.  She said, "Gwen, to grieve NOW while your daughter is still alive is wasting the time you have with her.  I'd give ANYTHING to have more time with my daughter.  Please don't waste the time you do have.  You will have a lifetime to grieve... LOVE NOW."  And we have... ever since.  

I guess that is why the girls' size really doesn't seem to matter to me now.  It used to consume my thoughts in a negative way, but I now can appreciate who they are & see the humor in the situation SO much easier.  For example...

Scott always cracks me up with his PF Chang’s story… OK, so we went out to eat with some friends & our girls at one of our favorite places!  Of course, we got "the ushe" ~ stares, looks, whispers, etc. when we arrived & during the meal.  Even the greeters remembered us when our friends made reservations, as they asked if we needed high chairs/kids’ seats, and they said, “No, they’ll just hold them” (we always do!), and the hostess said, “OH!  I totally know who you mean!  Those girls are sooooo cute!”  HA! 

So anyway, we carried "the local celebrities" out as we left (stuffed beyond belief!  YUM!), and the “Swivel-Head Phenomenon” occurred upon our departure.  Just picture “The Wave” at sporting events – everyone raises their arms at the same time all the way around the arena to create a wave effect.  A similar thing happened at Chang’s… heads swiveled in a wave fashion to stare at the dwarves as we walked out.  Scott was about 15 feet behind me (as I carried Lola), and he said it was a riot watching everyone crane to see the tiny little one in my arms.  Never quite know how to take that… or being so “known” in our town.  But sometimes you just gotta laugh.

December 25, 2010

Know what else makes me laugh about their size?  The fact that because they are so small, the below things are SO much more hilarious with our tiny dancers.  :)

Claire ~ December 2001 ~ nose-to-nose with the biggest snowman EVER!  (the snowman clearly won.  LOL)

Claire ~ Fall 2002 ~ one of her favorite ways to fall asleep!  HA!

 

Claire, 16 months old, with her newborn twin cousins ~ she thought she was a triplet!

Claire ~ December 19, 2004 ~ age 3 ~ best cheerleader EVER!!!

Claire, 15 months old ~ showering with Daddy ~ yet another (tiny) full moon from our girl!  LOL

 

Lola ~ age 4 ~ and yes, those ARE 2 liter bottles.  And yes, she DOES appear to be "taking a knee" so she can go to the 20 yard line.  HA! 

 

Mommy & Lola ~ age 4.5 years ~ workin' the Twisty Towel, As Seen On TV.  HAHAHHAHAHA!  I think we wrapped it around 3 times!  LOL

Cleopatra pose!  Love you, Mrs. Pocket!

Quite a difference on the fit, no?  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Twisty Towel lady's head is freakishly huge.  Yikes.  LOL

 

Claire ~ age 9 months ~ tomahawkin' it! 

Lola ~ age 4.5 years ~ being the ball?!  Excuse the "high quality shot," it was taken with my $10 "free" phone (yes, I got a rebate for a $10 piece of crap phone from AT&T!!!).  I'm SO pushin' for an iphone... I NEED IT.  Really.  I do.  :)  Does Lola not look TEENSY compared to the pic of Claire above?!  She's like 4 full years older?!?! WTH???!!!

 

Lola (age 4.5 years) & Daddy ~ nothin' but love.  xoxo

"'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand.
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands.

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all,
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small."

~ Carrie Underwood, So Small