Monday, June 25, 2012

Beardos, The Moo-stash & Pitbull


I am not gonna lie.  I am flat out *confused* by the whole facial hair revolution.  Everywhere I look there's a mustache these days & the big, bushy beard a la James Harden is only making things worse.  I'm totally down with the goatee though, and I'm not gonna knock it 'til it starts rubbin' my shoulders a bit too much.  Bad Gwen.

My hubby's constantly pointing out other dudes' facial hair asking me if it looks "hot."  My normal response is usually, "Ummmm, helllll no."  But occasionally it "works" for me.  I am totally feelin' the messy, faint, newly-grown-out stubble of say, HIM...
God damn, my boyfriend is lookin' hot here!
But HIM?  Not so much...
PS ~ Nice satchel, fat Jesus.

So the other day, Scott was gettin' a little shaggy, and I hear the electric razor goin' to town in the bathroom.  I'm horrified when I see the "finished" product.  OMG.  Yep, my sexy hubby was sportin' a 'stache.  I'm just not sure moo-stashes works for anyone just everyone... knowmsayin'?
Why hello, child molester perv, dear hubby o' mine!  Shave that shit off!

No seriously, fake, stalkerish Tom Selleck -- axe that pubestache PRONTO.
It was then that things took a horrible turn.  Let me backtrack a bit though or this won't make any sense.

OK, so one day as Cal was playin' DJ in the car, a Pitbull song came on & I insisted he change the channel.  I just cannot STAND that guy.  Not sure what it is?  Partly the whole TTH (Trying Too Hard) thing, but mostly he's just so fucking annoying.  I'm down with hip-hop/rap/R&B, but this guy is just a total CREEPER.
The Pencil Mustache at its not-so-finest


Sweet mouthbrow, bruh.




So you can imagine my horror when Cal decides it would be fun to try to recreate this dude's shady look.  Check me...
Nice glasses, madam.

Babyyyyy, ohhhh babyyyyy, my sweet baby, you're the one!
(This is the only good line from Pitbull's latest "Back In Time" release -- and yes, it's the only part he's not singing.  :)

Apparently the hubs overheard Cal & I laughing our asses off over his new look, and he returned yet again to the bathroom for some further manscaping.  And THIS is where things got U-G-L-Y.  Observe...
(Sans Flavor Saver)
All of a sudden I feel so fucking DIRTY.

And violated.  Think I saw this guy on the FBI's website somewhere??!!
The icing on the cake was this final shot...
Creepiest Lady Tickler on the planet.  Whiskers down.

Pitbull ain't got NOTHIN' on you, babe.  For reals.  

(I still love you, but promise me you'll never haunt me this way everrrrrrr again!!!!!  You may be spawning my f'ed up dreams!)

xo

3 comments:

Laura Bisel said...

I'm lucky I had surgery or I wudda peed my pants just now.

momsmom said...

hahahahaha Love it. Your son comes by it honestly. From both sides?

Brooke Mason said...

Now I know why your blog was blocked at work...that is a Porn Star tStache if I've ever seen one.

By the way, your girls are BEAUTIFUL! Cal sounds like a great big brother.

Looking forward to reading more.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...