But then immediately I feel compelled to remind you all that we live in JOY 99% of the time. Because I worry that YOU will worry about ME if you think I'm sad/down/pissed/depressed/bummed/bitching. I need to get over that shit. But no seriously, fuck that 1%. I mean it. It can bite me.
OK, so a few days ago, I was visiting with Tracey (Mrs. Pocket's bestie!), one of our babysitters-who-has-become-family (who we also happened to infect with
When Claire was very young, I pretty much thought that head growth impacted EVERYTHING. If it grew 1/4 cm, I KNEW. I measured it obsessively. I stole one of those already-in-a-circle-with-inches-and-centimeters-shown head measuring thingies from my pediatrician's office during one of our many weight checks. Whenever Claire would see me comin' with that bad boy, she'd arch in disgust. I would cheer if her head grew, and I was sure that bigger head = bigger brain = more ability = happier Claire = I was doing enough. God, I was so naive.
The interesting part was that as time went on, Claire's head sort of stopped growing. Measuring and seeing gains wasn't happenin' anymore, and I found that doing so just disappointed me & made me feel sad for Claire (and selfishly, myself). I didn't want to live that way. I didn't want my happiness to hinge on Claire's progress (or lack thereof) in any area. Years passed between head measurements. It no longer mattered whatsoever.
A few years ago, another Mom asked me for that website. I dug it out, and remembering how much all of that used to matter, I measured Claire's & now Lola's head once again. I can tell you without thought or hesitation what the girls' heads measured both at birth and now. Just like my birth date, social security number or address. It's become a part of me. I remember being super disappointed by the results I saw on that website a few years ago when I entered the girls' info. However, I almost felt emotionally detached from what I saw -- self-protection maybe.
I have randomly measured the girls' heads over the past few years for headbands or hats, but again, no emotions registered with me about what I saw, because head size is just such a *tiny* part (pun intended!) of who Claire & Lola are.
I don't know whether to blame hormones or PMS or Mother F'ing Nature who can't make up her mind about which season it is, but a few days ago when talking to Tracey about whether the girls' heads had grown, suffice it to say... I relapsed. Oh yes. I had a mini panic attack when I saw how many standard deviations (SD) below the norm my girls' heads NOW fell. It was bad enough a few years ago, but it has gotten worse. Claire dropped another SD, and Lola dropped 4. WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL.
WHY? Why are they dropping? Why aren't they still growing? Why ARE THEY so small? Why did I even remeasure? And why did I have to go plug their numbers into that damn website?!?!?
Here is what I saw...
|Claire -- <1 percentile & -13.1 SD below the norm|
|Lola -- <1 percentile & -16.7 SD below the norm|
If it's any consolation, I checked my own head size just to see if it was skewed, & I was in the 61st percentile. Many years ago we checked Scott's head size at the neurologist's office, and he was +4 SD. Go figure.
I look at things as 'Everything is meant to be.' ~ Lil Wayne
And it SO IS. I know that. I just wish I could always remember.
|PERFECTION. Without a doubt.|