Thursday, October 03, 2013

Why do I do this to myself?!?!?

No seriously, WHY???  I know ahead of time EXACTLY what the end result is gonna be, yet I go & do it ANYWAY.  WTF is wrong with me!!!  When will I learn?!  Just because I'm 12+ years into "this life" doesn't mean I don't still have rough days... I don't still feel super vulnerable out of the blue due to one single, tiny trigger... I don't still have days I feel defeated... I don't still question whether I did/am doing ENOUGH to try to help them be all they can be... I don't still cling to the hope that maybe someday we will eventually see true social smiles or a hand that can begin to grasp or hear a tiny giggle.  SO many emotions are wrapped up in each minute of each day of each year.

But then immediately I feel compelled to remind you all that we live in JOY 99% of the time. Because I worry that YOU will worry about ME if you think I'm sad/down/pissed/depressed/bummed/bitching.  I need to get over that shit.  But no seriously, fuck that 1%.  I mean it.  It can bite me.

OK, so a few days ago, I was visiting with Tracey (Mrs. Pocket's bestie!), one of our babysitters-who-has-become-family (who we also happened to infect with the clap herpes chickenpox a year ago -- it's a wonder she still WANTS to be part of this fam! HA!), and we got to talking about how much -- if any -- the girls' heads had grown since birth.  Immediately I was reminded of a website I'd found years ago when Claire was little.  It is a Head Circumference Calculator where you enter your child's sex, age, & head circumference, and it tells you all sorts of bad news your child's head circumference percentile.

When Claire was very young, I pretty much thought that head growth impacted EVERYTHING.  If it grew 1/4 cm, I KNEW.  I measured it obsessively.  I stole one of those already-in-a-circle-with-inches-and-centimeters-shown head measuring thingies from my pediatrician's office during one of our many weight checks.  Whenever Claire would see me comin' with that bad boy, she'd arch in disgust. I would cheer if her head grew, and I was sure that bigger head = bigger brain = more ability = happier Claire = I was doing enough. God, I was so naive.

The interesting part was that as time went on, Claire's head sort of stopped growing. Measuring and seeing gains wasn't happenin' anymore, and I found that doing so just disappointed me & made me feel sad for Claire (and selfishly, myself). I didn't want to live that way. I didn't want my happiness to hinge on Claire's progress (or lack thereof) in any area. Years passed between head measurements. It no longer mattered whatsoever.

A few years ago, another Mom asked me for that website.  I dug it out, and remembering how much all of that used to matter, I measured Claire's & now Lola's head once again.  I can tell you without thought or hesitation what the girls' heads measured both at birth and now.  Just like my birth date, social security number or address.  It's become a part of me.  I remember being super disappointed by the results I saw on that website a few years ago when I entered the girls' info. However, I almost felt emotionally detached from what I saw -- self-protection maybe.

I have randomly measured the girls' heads over the past few years for headbands or hats, but again, no emotions registered with me about what I saw, because head size is just such a *tiny* part (pun intended!) of who Claire & Lola are.

I don't know whether to blame hormones or PMS or Mother F'ing Nature who can't make up her mind about which season it is, but a few days ago when talking to Tracey about whether the girls' heads had grown, suffice it to say... I relapsed.  Oh yes.  I had a mini panic attack when I saw how many standard deviations (SD) below the norm my girls' heads NOW fell.  It was bad enough a few years ago, but it has gotten worse.  Claire dropped another SD, and Lola dropped 4.  WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL.

WHY?  Why are they dropping?  Why aren't they still growing?  Why ARE THEY so small?  Why did I even remeasure?  And why did I have to go plug their numbers into that damn website?!?!?

Here is what I saw...

Claire  --  <1 percentile & -13.1 SD below the norm


Lola  --  <1 percentile & -16.7 SD below the norm
(SIGH)

If it's any consolation, I checked my own head size just to see if it was skewed, & I was in the 61st percentile. Many years ago we checked Scott's head size at the neurologist's office, and he was +4 SD.  Go figure.


I look at things as 'Everything is meant to be.'  ~ Lil Wayne


And it SO IS.  I know that.  I just wish I could always remember.

PERFECTION.  Without a doubt.
xo

2 comments:

Dianna said...

My heart goes out to you. I see two sweet little girls that are yours and they receive a abundance of love. Don't concentrate on the negative. It's okay to have thoughts of "why", your human. Cherish every day you have with them.Love all the posts and pictures.

Katie Butcher said...

I love that you quoted Lil Wayne. I follow you on IG and it's pretty apparent that your girls are incredibly fortunate to have you as their mother. Your entire family is for that matter. Keep on being that rad mom that can make something challenging seem not so challenging!

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