Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Blindsided

I have had MANY startling realizations this past month or so, and quite frankly, I am not sure WHY.  Lately I've just been emotional (do NOT say it's pre-menopause, or I'll totally sack-tap/bitchslap your ass!!!!!  HA!).  OK, FINE, I've been MORE emotional.  I'll admit, I AM an emotional person.  I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve.  I'm way too of an open book.  But I just have felt BLINDSIDED by all these feelings I've been having recently.

I mean, SERIOUSLY.  I have been living "this life" for 10+ years now (twice over, yo), and I'm USED to all of this.  I'm that person who sees the seizure, makes a pirate joke about it (my girls squint one eye during seizures -- it's soooooo adorable!), and MOVES THE F ON without a second thought (unless they linger for hours... then I might take notice...but then I probably still am just going to let them go, because I know my fear/worry just make them worse, and that's not helpful for my dwarves -- nor me, and I know that their protocol is to have days that SUCK with regards to those & then be PERFECTLY FINE for days/weeks afterwards, and so just like with everything else in life, I RIDE THAT WAVE... try to not get too high or too low.  Love it ALL.  How's THAT for a run-on sentence/thought!  DAMMMMMN!).  I'm COOL with this life.  I *LOVE* and completely embrace it.

So, here goes.  I have felt blindsided by the following shit lately & I wish to all things holy I knew why:

1)  OK, so Lola is soooooooooooooo f'ing SMALL.  Like CRAZY tiny.  Like newborns aren't this small SMALL.  NOT REAL almost?!??!  And see, I KNOW all this already.  I've been around it for 5+ years!  But why NOW is it suddenly hitting me that it's such a different KIND of itty bitty?  Because I've known for the past several years that:

A) She doesn't really grow much at all.  PERIOD.

B) She has ALWAYS been teensy/in single digits/the same height (23" approx.!) for like EVER.

C) She is still in size 1 diapers (maybe SOME size 2's, depending on brand... but they overlap at the waist by a good inch!) and 3-6 month clothing and she wears TWO swim diapers to hydrotherapy because her legs are sooooo tiny (can't let Mr. Hankey escape!  Need a double barrier!  LOL) at age 5 years 4 months old... yes, ummmm, STILL. 

D) She eats like a horse (and loves every second of it!) but just is apparently incapable of utilizing those calories for actual GROWTH (and development, but that's a whole 'nother story...!).  Oh, and Scott & I totally calculated up that since she's now 5 & has maybe 5-6 bottles daily ON AVERAGE -- that equals close to 10,000 bottles in her lifetime & she's STILL only 9-10 lb.?!?!?  WTF?! 

So WHY am I JUST NOW starting to realize all this & see her size in actuality?!  I take TONS of pictures of her.  I see her in other people's arms all the time.  Nothing has changed... so why am I having these thoughts NOW?  Has my mind been protecting me for some reason?  Am I equating her tinyness with lack of viability?  If so, WHY? 

NO MF CLUE.

Even more scary is the fact that this year, Lola would have been starting KINDERGARTEN.  My 9-10 lb. "baby" = a kindergartner?!  The emotions of saying/typing that make tears well up in my eyes for sooooo many reasons.  I just cannot imagine her in that type of environment -- being "old enough" to go to school, being on her own, and most of all, being TYPICAL.  She is who she is & I love her AS she is, but something about the wistfulness of this possibility/age/experience... it makes me teary.  Hello lump, meet my throat. 

The one thing I DO KNOW is that with each passing day, I love this child so much more than I can even put into words... She makes me ME.  She makes my world feel RIGHT.  She's so much a part of who I am.  We are SO connected.  She can keep me up at night for hours STILL -- AGE 5!!!! -- & I love her even more.  It's intense, this love. 

2)  Claire's TEN.  As in ten YEARS old.  Like a freakin' DECADE!  I had her in 2001.  It's now 2011.  TEN YEARS!  How is that possible?  DOUBLE DIGITS?!?!?  And going along with point #1 above, she's reeeeeeeally small, though maybe not as small as Lola, she's microscopic for a 10 year old.  She's 19 lb. and maybe 33" tall?!?!?  Not to mention she would be in the 5th grade this year.  Ummm, WOW.  I am just gonna go out on a limb and say that I think it must be a GOOD THING that it doesn't feel like ten years to me.  Must mean we're living and loving A WHOLE LOT.  Or maybe we're just in a neurological time warp... yeah, I think BOTH are accurate.  :)

3)  I'm feeling ridiculously overprotective of Cal.  I am hesitant to go into too much detail right now, but suffice it to say ----> Eggs in 1 basket.

It pains me to even say that out loud or hint at it... makes me feel grim and negative, and that's just not me.  Maybe another time I'll get ballsy enough to elaborate... but dammit, I just can't right now.  The thought of him maybe leaving the house in 6 years has me more than a little flustered.  How is that possible???  He makes me smile EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.

I found this clown wig at a garage sale & dared Cal to wear it into the next store we went to -- the only catch was that he had to keep a straight face, and if anyone said, "Hey, nice wig!" he had to reply with, "What?"  I bet him $5 he wouldn't do it... guess who won???   This is his best attempt at a straight face whilst wearing THE MOST RIDIC wig evahhhh.  It lasted all of 0.73 seconds.  :)

4)  Ten years of sleep deprivation's a BITCH!!!!!!!  And this night owl gig I've had goin' since college has got to change BECAUSE of that fact.  Dwarves who wake 3-4 times nightly for hours at a time do not make my ideal "go-to-bed-at-1-or-2-am-and-get-up-at-9-or-10-am-thing" work too well.  It's kicking my ass.  And Scott's fine ass.  (and my thyroid/adrenal's asses, too!  Grrrrrrr!)

I'm sure I could come up with a 5, but that would just be to appease my Type A, and I'm SO letting that goooooooo.  :)

Anyway...

I leave you with NO explanation of WHY the above emotions are surfacing, no imminent solution, no silver lining (yet... except for the fact I don't give a rat's ass WHY I'm feeling this, I'm STILL just gonna love the HELL out of my kids as long as I have 'em!!!) and best of all, NEW PICS OF MY GIRLIES!  xoxo




From now on, Lola's known as "Dolla."  HA!  I keep singing, "$50 dolla bills, y'all..." adapted from the classic Montell Jordan number "This Is How We Do It."  Polly Ann's a HUGE fan of 90's booty jams... oh yeahhhhhhhh.  She's got some Silk, H-Town, Jodeci, & Intro queued up as we speak!  HA!  (wait, maybe that's me... LOL)





Hand-made dress & flowers by my friend, Jill Cox, of JillyBean Designs (look her up on Facebook, too ~ tons more incredible designs pictured there!)








More JillyBean Designs...  <3




"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." 
~Max Ehrmann (Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life)

6 comments:

CheryltheOCM said...

As the mother of a 35lb 15 year old I know where you are coming from. Some times you just need to shed the "Hi-I'm-Mary-Sunshine-Nothing-Gets-To-Me-I-Am-Stronger-Than-Granite" attitude and let youself wallow for a bit. It's normal (well normal for our breed of folk) I'm running on a 3-4 year cycle myself.

I understand your feelings with Cal too, my daughter is my "child of hope". I have my "eternal newborn", my "autism challenge" and then my "thank all things holy this one is healthy" daughter.

Just ride the emotional roller coaster to it's end and then get exit to your right and down stairs, try and take the long way around, then get back in the line and wait for the next ride. Yes, it's not your favorite ride, but you bought the all access pass to the park, you have to ride all the rides.

Lisa said...

"...it must be a GOOD THING that it doesn't feel like ten years to me. Must mean we're living and loving A WHOLE LOT."

YES, YOU ARE.

Making peace with "what is"...understanding that diverging from "what's expected" is A OK. More than that...it is GREAT to make peace with the notion that things are different from what's expected, but that you can find happiness in life anyway.

Out of My Hands is playing as I type. Love you, Gwen. I get hear you. I get it.

Carolyn said...

It comes and goes, Gwen. I have those moments and days. It's usually when things are going relatively well and I have time to think! Hang in there, girl!!

DoRe' said...

(Exhale) My kids are back to school this year, after being home with me for the past 2 years; it was just as lumpy in my throat sending my 11-year-old to middle school, as it was sending her to kindergarten.

But reading your post, I'm again reminded to be thankful for what is mine to experience, and you continue to inspire with your thankfulness for your experience.

Love from Washington!

Stephanie O'Dea said...

I've been thinking about you lately--- I just wanted you to know. 9/11 brought back memories of a phonecall with you. lots and lots of love. xoxo

Gwen said...

Hugs to you ALL!

Steph -- I remember being on OHM & feeling so out of control & scared during that time... just had Claire, the Twin Towers fell, I just felt soooo out of control & terrified about my life. I know you remember... Love you, girl. xoxooxox

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