Saturday, June 23, 2012

Dream interpret this bad boy...

Alrighty, dream interpreters, riddle me this.  Just a heads up, I wish I could tell you this was gonna be as easy to decipher as my last memorable dream where I got it on all hot & heavy with Tyrese, but sadly, it is not.  I am gonna need you to seriously THRUST ("thrust" may just be my favorite word on the planet & here's why... 100% of time for me it has a sexual connotation yet is socially appropriate in ANY circumstance.  Boom!) yourselves into this experience fully and lay down what you think this f'ed up dream means and/or represents to me.  I am utterly horrified and semi-freaking out right now that I may need counseling/medications/alcohol to deal with this.  And I'm feeling a little bit exposed sharing this nightmare dream with all of you, just as I did while it played out.  (No clue why after exposing myself earlier this year with my shart attack post!)

Okay, so last night (or was it this morning?), I dreamt that like eight or nine different people (all of whom I know well -- hell, may have even been one of you!) saw me taking a dump.  Not only did they keep walking in on me, but they also kept leaving the door open, and wouldn't you know that it happened DURING A PARTY (who craps during a shindig unless you have cha-cha-cha anyway?!?!?), so multiple people saw me:

A.  Naked from the waist down 
B.  Possibly passing an actual turd
C.  In a semi-hunched over shitting position (for speed, yo.  Kind of like milking your own belly to help you go faster?!  Should have hit up The Shit Whisperer instead!) 
D.  Standing up to wipe (please tell me I'm not the only one... it's just such a better angle!  Scott disagrees & opts for the awkward side-cheek-tilt, which actually once cracked one of our wooden toilet seats.  L is for LOSER.)
E.  Pulling my pants back up

Each time my "friends" burst in on me, they looked, their eyes widened, they laughed hysterically, and then they said they were "SO SORRY!" before leaving again, conveniently leaving the door ajar.  Each time, I would scream out between laughs & cries, "Seriously, can I not shit in peace?!?!  SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR!!!!"  Because even *I* knew that was some funny shit (pun intended), but I certainly didn't want to be the one they saw layin' logs.  So it happened again... and again... and again.

Lest you think I'm a freak or something (oopsy daisies, too late for that…), for the record, I was only on the head for all of like 3-4 minutes as this all went down.  I was being quick (you know, I went in sans iPhone)!  Such bullshit.

Thoughts?!?!?!  Decode me!!!!!
My dog, Pre used to eat my other dog, Halley's lawn sausages straight from the tap, but that's a whole 'nother story!



**This post was also featured on Aiming Low!
HONORED to be a guest writer over there!!**


Unknown said...

Holy Buckets Batman! I can't even BEGIN on this one babe! But if you figure it out, let me know!

Unknown said...

Let's face it, you take a mental 'dump' every couple of days on this blog (you are not as 'regular' as you would like to be I'm sure). You air all your shit in front of friends, family, acquaintances and complete strangers (from the stats, I think over 100 foreign Nationals have read your blog and likely decided against coming to this country (the Republicans send their thanks).
I'm sure it must feel like an incredible 'invasion' of your privacy even though you do it of your own free will. You are exposed (perhaps the naked portion) and out there for all to see you push out these blogs (usually a 3-5 minute reads (roughly the time in your dream, eh?).
Now, I'm not going to say ANYTHING about the whole wiping situation (hey…. that's an interesting selection of words I just used…). Standing or leaning - seems like a blog for a future day. Have fun milkng that one out Gwen and thanks for shar(t)ing with us all.

Delfin Joaquin Paris III said...

I think it's clear - ease up on the fiber. (message from your colon)

momsmom said...

I agree with the idea about about you taking mental dumps via blog. You make it seem effortless, believe it or not. Not the situations of course, just the ability to blog it AND do it humorously. Maybe you feel comfortable enough in doing so, that you dreamed about dropping brown trout just as effortlessly in front of friends & readers.

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