Friday, March 04, 2011

A Dode By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet...

I'll be honest... lately I feel like I've been holding back a bit with my blogging.  On using curse words, you might ask?!  Well, that too (HA!  I must have some sailors in my family tree somewhere...sorry!), but mostly on what I call my kids & dogs, as in their names/nicknames.  While most people usually have a nickname or two for their children, usually a simple variant of their actual name, we have MANY, and most are just plain WEIRD (and perhaps inappropriate... big surprise there!).  I've SO BAD wanted to unleash a few of them in previous blog posts, as they're familiar, frequently-used, & dammit, they make me SMILE (!), but I've held back.  I didn't want to confuse/offend anyone. 

So... I've composed this blog post to "clear it ALL up for you" (or in this case, likely confuse you further!!!) and to serve as a rudimentary "cheat sheet" when it comes to f'ed up monikers used in the Hooligan household.  :)

Geesh, where to begin!? 

First off, Scott & I.  We are SIMPLE.  Easy.  To-the-point.  All ya' gotta know is this:  we call each other by the SAME NAME. Always have, always will.  I can barely remember WHY we call each other this, but we just ALWAYS HAVE.  We call each other "Cam."  Yep, I know.  We're nuts.  I *THINK* we coined this nickname back when we were dating & I used to have THE BEST DOG EVAHHHH named Cocoa, a white toy poodle, who was THE smartest dog on the planet.  (On a side note, once we actually yelled out to Cocoa, "Get up on the fireplace!!!" and that dog, who'd NEVER been told that in her 15 years of life turned & actually JUMPED UP ON THE DAMN FIREPLACE like 20 seconds later.  Seriously.  WTF?  She was BRILLIANT.)  Anyway, Cocoa grew increasingly deaf as time went on, and the only thing she could hear was LOW, LOUD-ASS VOICES.  I'm talkin' Barry White low.  :)Not sure HOW she got the nickname "Cam", but we'd bellow out our LOWEST & LOUDEST "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" and she'd come running.  Highly effective, fun to use, and it stuck.  Ever since, we have called EACH OTHER "Cam."
Circa 1994 ~ Double CAAAAAAAAAAAM!
We've found it to be really useful especially when out grocery shopping.  Picture this scenario:  You run a few aisles over to grab the Tostitos you forgot & while you were there, you remembered you also needed black beans, so you hopped another few aisles over to retrieve those, and in the meantime, your spouse has done the same with the Cheerios and rice milk, so now you've completely lost track of one another!  EASY SOLUTION HERE.  Simply bust out your loudest & lowest "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!" and you can immediately reconnect with ease.  We're already drawing stares due to this phenomenon (!), so it's all good when onlookers now have even more ammo to declare you a weirdo.  :)

This is where it gets a bit trickier.  For some odd reason, our children & pets take the brunt of our nickname extravaganza.  Not sure WHY, but we've gone a bit apeshit on them.  I don't think it's intentional, and very few of them seem to stick for extra long periods of time, though a few have.  Trusty nicknames.  Ones to fall back on & reuse as appropriate.  For example...

Let's begin with Cal.  Simple name, right?  Just Cal.  Not short for Calvin or Calvert or Calhoun or anything fancy.  Just Cal.  So... when he got in trouble, he became "CAL AUSTIN!!!!"  For shits & giggles, we call him "Cali" & interject as many "Goin' back to Cali" lines as is humanly possible.  (I will impart my love for LL Cool J on him before it's all said & done... LOL)  The "CAL AUSTIN!!!", when said suuuuuuuper fast sounds like "Colostrum", which yes, is a pre-cursor to breastmilk.  HAHHAHA.  That didn't stick for long, and it was when he was really young & nursing, so it just fit.  It was more of an inside joke between Scott & I, jokin' about our little nurser.  This evolved into the more socially acceptable "Lossy" as well as "Trum", which also were short lived, as no one (except us & our warped minds) really got it.  :)

Cal & Scott then went through a time -- just the two of them -- where they called each other "Nimms" and "Tibbs."  I never figured this exchange out... but it didn't involve me, and I was calling him "Gaylord" or "Gay" at that time.  I joked after watching Meet the Parents that we were THIS CLOSE to naming him Gaylord "Gay" Hartley.  It IS a family name, after all... he still doesn't believe me.  But it's a nice threat.  HA!

I'm embarrassed to say that the most widely used nickname for Cal at this point is actually his own self-created "curse word" which originated around 2000-2001.  We'd actually forgotten about this until about a year or so ago when Scott busted it out of his mental archives.  He said, "OMG!  Do you remember when Cal got all pissed at us & did that funny hand gesture & said, 'You dumb... DODES!' and we weren't sure whether to laugh our asses off or discipline him for possibly cussing?!?!?"  We could NOT stop laughing & decided to "bring it back."  The world should not be deprived of such an inventive word!

Oh, and let us not forget the hand gesture he ALWAYS did when he called us "dodes" back in the day.  Observe below...
March 3, 2011 ~ Recreating The OD with a smug grin -- AKA Original Dode.  Notice fingers all together in a cluster, pointed downward.  It's emphasized by starting high & "doding" down with enthusiasm.  It's a classic move, though it can be made more powerful by "Double Doding", or using BOTH HANDS either simultaneously or in alternating dode fashion.  Last night Cal busted out a short-armed, alternating dode at Bonefish Grill to some guy's back who cut in front of us at the hostess stand.  HIGHLY effective.  :)
"Dode" has evolved into some lesser-used, more inappropriate handles such as "Dodehole," "Dodeface," as well as "Double Dode," a variation on KFC's "Double Down."  However, plain ol' "Dode" just fits.  DEFINITELY a keeper.

Our most "normal" (as if!) nickname for Cal right now is "Carl," which came to be by a simple typo, but which makes ALL of us laugh almost as much as "Dode."  HA!

On to Claire... Since the beginning, Claire has ALWAYS been "Claire-bug," "Bug," "Buggy," "Buggaboo," & "Claire-bugga-boo."  She always was our ladybug girl!  That evolved into "Boo" or "Boo-Boo," which later became "Boo-Gee" (emphasis on GEE!).  This turned into "Gee-Gee" and "Boo-Geers" as well as "Boo-Gin Boo-Geers," said by Cal no short of 743 times daily when he was approximately 3 years old.  Everyone thought she looked like me, hence the "Mini-Me" nickname.  "Mimi" followed as well as "Meems."  Ever popular was "Mimi LaRue," "LaRue," "Roo," and recently, "Mrs. Mimi." 
March 3, 2011 ~ Claire during PT, with Pre looking on & Polly Pocket in a face-off/dwarf-off.  Notice the rear-Lola hair shot... hilarious for age damn-near- 5.  LOL 
When Cal was also around age 3, he nicknamed Claire's hands "Noozey" & "Neerms" and his own hands "Bird" and "Muscles."  NO CLUE WHY, but he used to "dode" on the top of her hands & her little fingers would pop open & her hand would fly up into the air & Cal would LAUGH & LAUGH.  Then he'd sniff "Noozey" and "Neerms" (which smelled like feta cheese, due to being fisted/clenched all the time!) & say "Boo-Gin Boo-Geerz" like 48 more times.  I thought I might lose it.  LOL  "Bird" and "Muscles" were bullies then & still are today. 
February 24, 2011 ~ Claire sportin' her "boxing glove" splints & checkin' out "Neerms" in action! 
Lola!  For a LONG time, Lola only had a few basic, if not NORMAL nicknames.  We were ashamed about this.  She first was "Lolita" because she was so tiny, which evolved into "Lita."  "LG" followed, as her middle name is Grace.  My Mom actually asked me after a few months of calling Lola "LG" what that stood for.  She said, "Does that stand for Little Girl???"  Ummmm, NO MOM, it's for "LOLA GRACE!!!!!"  HA!  In the meantime, we discovered they were truly going to get dwarf diagnoses, so we started calling her "Dwarf" or "Dwarfee" then finally "Dwofee," you know, "Dwarf" with a soft R.  WTF?! 

When Lola was nursing, she'd fiddle around latching on.  She'd bob-bob-bob around & root all over & the ONLY solution was to yell, "GET IT & NURSE IT!!!!!!!!!" really loud & she'd just latch right on & go to town.  We used to joke that she preferred one side (left -- apparently SO much better?!) & so my "girls" became "Nipple" & "Gipple." (TMI?  Too far?!  HA!)  Gipple was cherished & Nipple was shunned.  So, instead of saying, "Get it & nurse it!" we started saying, "GET IT & GIPPLE!"  This evolved to "Got it & gopple."  And so... after a few weeks, Lola became "Gipple."  Then "Gopple."  Then "Gop."  Then "GopChop."  Then, in order to try to get her to gain weight, we started telling her she was fat, putting The Secret into practice.  So then she became "Fat Gop."  Then "Fot Gop."  Then lastly... "Faw Gop."  If you say "Faw Gop" really fast & choppy & shorten it up, you get the worst nickname of ALL TIME (but by far the funniest!!!!!!) ~ "Fock."  HAHAHAHAHAHA!
February 27, 2011 ~ Our little Fock sportin' some SERIOUS bed head & drool!!!!!!! 
I played Polly Pocket dolls with my niece one day & it struck me that Lola basically WAS one of them.  We started calling her "Polly Pocket" then "Polly Ann Pocket" then "Polly Ann" then "Mrs. Pocket" then "Ann" then "Mrs. Ann."  God, we're sick.  LOL
March 3, 2011 ~ Mrs. Pocket on her best behavior! 
In closing, it wouldn't be right to not mention the dogs, whose nicknames are just as priceless.  :)

So... our almost 14-year-old Italian Greyhound, Pre, was named after Steve Prefontaine, the distance running great.  Obviously he's been called "Prefontaine," "Steve," "Steve-O," & "Pre-Fe"... but then it became "Pre-fe-on-te-aine" and the unpretty "Erp" (Pre spelled backwards ~ Cal coined this one, I nixed it.  Wasn't dorky enough.  LOL).  Lately, he has been called "Black Cat" and "Snots," affectionately, due to his illness (chronic, nasty, sticky, green, stringy nasal drainage which was thought to be caused by cancer several years ago & didn't pan out to be, THANK GOD!).  "Roll over & let Clark scratch your belly!"  HA! 

Lastly, our 2 year old whippet, Romeo, often takes the brunt of our nickname mania because he is SO SILLY!  He got called the ushe "Rome," "Romes," & "Romero" until that grew boring.  We started noticing how cat-like he was with many things he did, so we started telling him he was a VERY BAD KITTY, a la the movie Madagascar (remember the old lady who beat the crap outta the lion?!  Not that WE would do that, but she was a riot!), when he was naughty.  Hence, he became "Bad Kitty" which led to "Kitty Cat" and finally straight-up "Kitty" and "Cat."  "Cat" stuck the most, and it remains his most widely-used handle.  It has evolved in & of itself to "Captain Cat," "Fat Cat," "Mr. Cat," and the ever-dorky-yet-friggin'-hilarious "Mr. Hat" (think South Park).  Somehow "Cat" also led to "Cap."  And "Cap" became "CapCat" as well as "Capricorn," which cracks ALL of us up the most.  Have you EVER heard of a dog named "Capricorn?!"  HA!  "Capricorn" became "Corn" & a few inappropriate Dane Cook lines came into play here between Scott & I only (HA!), which I will leave up to YOU GUYS to Google, as it's not even appropriate in MY mind, which says a lot.  :)

"Cap" and "Cat" sounded so much like "Cack", that he is sometimes called that under our breath, as it sounds wayyyyyy too much like something similar, also inappropriate.  Our bad.  :)  Keepin' that one on the DL a bit, but it's a fun one to use from time-to-time!  LOL  "Cap" also led to "Crap" as well as "Craptain" & "CrapCat," sadly.  Poor dog.  I am QUITE SURE our "White Cat" is scarred for life, but hopefully he knows all this is outta love!!!!  xo

Thoroughly confused much?!??!?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Alrighty, from the gal who, back in high school, thought her name MIGHT just be "Smart Ass" from all that times I was told that I was one, I am officially signing off.  :)
"Smart Ass" ~ Circa 1992 ~ Big hair much!?  DAMN!!!!!!  (Not sure what is up with the stripey scan job.  Classy.)
Night, Dodes!
February 27, 2011 ~ Carl & Faw Gop ~ xo


Joyfullygrateful said...

OMG Gwen ~ It is 5:30 am and I am on my way to the gym. Just read this and my abs are hurting so much from laughing. I WANT A NICKNAME!!! What love you show by the creative parenting you feel, show and share. I am moving to Wichita and being a Nanny. Move over Grandparents ~ here I come with my spirit, love and heart! Hugs ~ Ginger said...

I have only read this one time. Reason...if I read it again I'm going to pee my pants. Gwen. You are hilarious. Poor Faw Gop sounds like a kitchen worker in a Chinese restaurant. Your nicknames are priceless.

Unknown said...

OMG I think is just peed a little laughing at this post! Although this cleared up alot of the nicknames that I know but did not know the meaning behind.
The best part is that Ali has picked up on "Dode" and it has been adopted by this side of the family. So there is 3 "Dodes" over here!
signing off for now
Brett aka "Slug"

Jennifer Lloyd - AP's mom said...

Gee girl you are too funny...and her I thought we were the only ones coming up with these weird and strange nicknames!

Well lets see, Dwayne and I really don't have many nick names for each other although he has been know to be called "Wayner" or sometimes "Way-Nerd". Back a long time ago he lovingly called me "John-ifer" since that's they way my name sounded when my Kentucky accented parents used it. Oh and I almost forgot my Asian Salon persona - Jen Jen Lo..."me do you nail cost you many dollar" - Emma hates this one!

Emma - now that she's a preteen we don't used nicknames so much anymore except for what she wants to be known as "SG" or "Swimmer Girl" - however in the past we have used "Emmers" - "Em" - "Emmer Lou" and of course "M and M".

Adam has had a few nicknames that have stuck and we use them every day: - His middle name is Parker so "AP" - "Adam Pee Pee Head (he's know for wetting thru those diapers) - We also refer to his left arm as the chicken wing because he scratches it against the floor like a chicken wing..haha.

Pets: Our old dog was named Elly - "Elly Mac" "Elly Macpherson" "Elly's Belly" Our current dog is named Toby - he gets called a little of everything "Toby Mac" "Toblorone" "Poo Poo Head" "Wessie" and when beside our cat, Rocky, "Dumb and Dumber"

So see you are perfectly normal and I for one really appreciate that blog post! We really do think a lot alike and since I am actually pretty fond of myself I like you!!!

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