|Yet another Dwarf-Off...|
So, here's what got my panties in a wad this morning... and what is STILL weighing on my mind NOW.
The girls had PT this morning, and so I finally said "F-IT!" after that waste-of-time night's "sleep" & just got up and got myself & the girls ready for therapy. I'd made some phone calls, & I was waiting for return calls. Lola was dressed & ready for the day, sitting on my bed, leaning against my pillow when the phone rang. It was a call I'd been anxiously awaiting to receive. I was hoping to re-start Claire in Hippotherapy (AKA "Horses!" ~ Therapeutic Horseback Riding) & possibly try Lola in it for the first time, too. Anyway, I raced out of my room, leaving Lola almost to the middle of the bed, leaned up against a pillow (as I was about to put all 7 of her hairs into a ponytail on top of her head to create "more head"/height... hahahaha! Patented technique -- it WORKS! LOL). She was a little fussy, but mostly content & exhausted now, as she'd busted her ass all night to keep me awake! What... a sweetheart. LOL
|February 28, 2011 ~ Go Sun Devils!|
Anyway -- being the EMF-freakshow that I am, we only have corded phones in our house (another post for another day!), so I rush out to grab the ringing phone, see it's Horses on the line, and I take the call. (Hey, we ALL screen calls -- don't hate!) We discussed the girls & their super fancy muscle tone (you think you're fancy, huh?!), leg scissoring, arching, rebel ways, & microcephaly/head size (there is not a riding helmet on Planet Earth that will fit my girls... the tiniest one they had last time completely covered not only Claire's head but also her entire FACE! Scott's suggestion may be the best one yet -- a ping pong ball cut in half with a rubber band chin-strap added. A la The Mouse and the Motorcycle. HAHAHAHAHAHA!). Then it is time to schedule a pre-evaluation of the dwarves for the program. I run into the office to get on another (corded! LOL) phone, as my calendar is on the desk in that room . The office is across the house from my room, where Lola remains on the bed content/calm. You probably see where this is going...
Anyway, as we were looking at both of our insanely-busy schedules, trying to find a common time, the girls' PT arrives at the front door. I yell, "Hello Donna!!!! I'll be right out!" to our beloved physical therapist/AKA member of the family (!). She starts working with Claire, & I am wrapping up the scheduling of Horses. Mid-call, I hear the most horrifying sound a Mother could ever hear... THUD! ... followed by silence... followed by me saying, "Hang on a minute" to Horses & asking Donna if she too heard the noise, to which she replied, "YES... is someone in your room?"
|Donna, our beloved PT ~ All things to all people (and dogs!)! LOL :) We love you!!!|
Yes, I'm Mom of the Year. Or maybe Lola is Almost-5-Year-Old-Dwarf-of-the-Year??!?! But somehow, she managed to dive head-first off our tall bed onto the hardwood floor. And she CLEARLY did NOT "stick the landing." This is gonna cost her the gold FO SHO.
There really are no words for what happened next... the regular medical/motherly head-to-toe body assessment...reassurance from Donna that there would've been NO way I could've predicted that would happen... EXTREME GUILT on my part... paralyzing fear... worry... adrenaline rush... are her pupils the same size?.... yes... red marks/pre-bruises? ... yes, in two places... by right eyebrow... on left side of forehead... OMG, I am the WORST MOTHER EVER... how could I have let this happen to my precious baby?!??!! ... is she OK?... she's aware... she cried, but she's stopped now... sucking like she's hungry???... should I feed her???... I SUCK as a mother... OMG... I should NEVER have left her on the bed even for ONE MINUTE -- yet I've done so THOUSANDS of times with no problem... what have I done?!??!... where's the Arnica gel???... oh wait, now she's getting tired... did I hurt her brain FURTHER?... should I wake her up or let her sleep?... is she groggier than normal?... F'in A, I let my 10 pound baby fall off my bed onto her TINY HEAD... OMFG...
This is the tip of the iceberg of what transpired, but suffice it to say, she sucked down a whole 4-oz. bottle 15 minutes later (in 5 minutes flat!), burped like normal (no spit-up -- YEAH! -- that dwarf KNEW I'd have panicked if she vomited), got sleepy like usual, and drifted off. I forced her to wake up after 10-15 minutes, being the paranoid mother I am...and she was fine. Pupils looked good, red spots faded, one little bruise remaining on her eye/eyebrow area. SO. FLIPPIN'. MAD. AT. MYSELF! I cannot see straight.
|I. SUCK. Notice the bruise on right eyebrow area?! I am SO SORRY, Mrs. Pocket... OMG.|
|Stickin' it to me... REALLY ampin' up Mama's guilt factor. THANKS, Polly Ann. I'm gonna blame the Nun for this bad boy. LOL|
As I type this, she's sleeping peacefully on the couch (I may or may not have duct taped her to it to prevent another basejumping attempt -- kidding!) & I'm about to go wake her up one last time to be sure all is OK (I've been watching her breathe as she sleeps... and not for ONE SECOND do I feel this is neurotic. I do it ALL the time. Did it this morning with Claire, too. One tiny slice of our life I wish I didn't have to do/worry about, but I will NOT focus on it, just honor my needs & MOVE THE HELL ON!).
I need my Mommy license revoked. :(
I don't know what it is about these to-be-expected extremes that I continue to allow to get me all worked up. (did that make ANY sense?!) If I know they're coming, WHY can I not just stay calm & not let myself get too high or low when they occur? Easier said than done?! I don't know... I just have SO MUCH INVESTED IN THESE KIDS OF MINE. Every day I am searching to find ways to optimize/better/jazz up their lives (Horses, for example!). I research new supplements, schedule maintenance visits with our chiro (whom we LOVE!), meditate with the girls, remove as much drama/stress as possible from their lives & our own, speak positively to them, believe in them, honor their lives (partly by creating this blog) -- ANYTHING and EVERYTHING possible to make all right with their worlds. And ONE "slip-up" -- which may or may not be "my fault" -- can bring me to my knees as their Mom, make me fall to a heap of tears & sobs & those gaspy heaves which remind me how fragile their lives are -- or maybe how fragile ALL OF LIFE IS.
And I question it all for those tough few minutes/hours/days... AM I living my life to the fullest? AM I loving each moment ENOUGH?