Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Mom of the F-ing Year

I try to pride myself on "ridin' the wave" of emotions, as I've been at this Mom-of-a-special-needs-child gig for almost 10 years now.  I have learned that there are going to be HIGHS & there are going to be LOWS, and they will likely be extremes.  (Ya' know, the highest of highs & lowest of lows...)  Once I got past that first year or two of life P.C. (Post-Claire ~ yep, barely remember life B.C. -- a reality which both delights & traumatizes me so...), I realized she was MEANT TO BE HERE, not destined for that die-before-age-1 thing which was ingrained into my soul that fateful day when she was 3.5 months old by a doctor I refuse to name (longest sentence EVER -- my bad!).  He's not worth it, and I promised Claire that once or twice yearly, for as long as I can, I will find a way to tell him what an asshole just how WRONG HE WAS.  :)  My girls are fighters, and they are WAY stronger than most people give them credit for, based on their size.  P4P, we KNOW Claire & Lola are totally packin'.  LOL
Yet another Dwarf-Off...
 So it always catches me WAY off-guard when I have a Debbie Downer Day (Triple D?!) strike out of the blue.  Today has been one of those days.  I refuse to succumb to it, but I think I've just gotta talk/think/pray/meditate/curse it out to get over it & get back to my Happy Place, which I'm SO needing right now.
Wah-Wah-Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh...  LOL
 It's almost not even worth mentioning the piddly stuff... seriously.  The crappy, broken sleep last night, Lola being awake/needy for 4-5 hours, taxes/bills due, rainy/dreary Tuesday (which means I cannot take my doggies out for a walk -- BOO!), housework, yard work, crazy busy schedules, cramps (HA!  TMI?!), blah blah blah -- all a real pain in my ass, but still, this stuff NEVER gets me down.  I rarely have those freak-out moments, and when I do, my "voice of reason" hubby always sets my mind at ease.  Scott & I are good together; we perfectly balance each other out, and my GOD, sometimes I SO need that.  I've always loved that Hans Selye quote which states:  "It's not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it."  SOOOOOO true.

So, here's what got my panties in a wad this morning... and what is STILL weighing on my mind NOW.

The girls had PT this morning, and so I finally said "F-IT!" after that waste-of-time night's "sleep" & just got up and got myself & the girls ready for therapy.  I'd made some phone calls, & I was waiting for return calls.  Lola was dressed & ready for the day, sitting on my bed, leaning against my pillow when the phone rang.  It was a call I'd been anxiously awaiting to receive.  I was hoping to re-start Claire in Hippotherapy (AKA "Horses!" ~ Therapeutic Horseback Riding) & possibly try Lola in it for the first time, too.  Anyway, I raced out of my room, leaving Lola almost to the middle of the bed, leaned up against a pillow (as I was about to put all 7 of her hairs into a ponytail on top of her head to create "more head"/height... hahahaha!  Patented technique -- it WORKS!  LOL).  She was a little fussy, but mostly content & exhausted now, as she'd busted her ass all night to keep me awake!  What... a sweetheart.  LOL
February 28, 2011 ~ Go Sun Devils!

 Anyway -- being the EMF-freakshow that I am, we only have corded phones in our house (another post for another day!), so I rush out to grab the ringing phone, see it's Horses on the line, and I take the call.  (Hey, we ALL screen calls -- don't hate!)  We discussed the girls & their super fancy muscle tone (you think you're fancy, huh?!), leg scissoring, arching, rebel ways, & microcephaly/head size (there is not a riding helmet on Planet Earth that will fit my girls... the tiniest one they had last time completely covered not only Claire's head but also her entire FACE!  Scott's suggestion may be the best one yet -- a ping pong ball cut in half with a rubber band chin-strap added.  A la The Mouse and the Motorcycle.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!).  Then it is time to schedule a pre-evaluation of the dwarves for the program.  I run into the office to get on another (corded!  LOL) phone, as my calendar is on the desk in that room .  The office is across the house from my room, where Lola remains on the bed content/calm.  You probably see where this is going...

Anyway, as we were looking at both of our insanely-busy schedules, trying to find a common time, the girls' PT arrives at the front door.  I yell, "Hello Donna!!!!  I'll be right out!" to our beloved physical therapist/AKA member of the family (!).  She starts working with Claire, & I am wrapping up the scheduling of Horses.  Mid-call, I hear the most horrifying sound a Mother could ever hear... THUD! ... followed by silence... followed by me saying, "Hang on a minute" to Horses & asking Donna if she too heard the noise, to which she replied, "YES... is someone in your room?"

Donna, our beloved PT ~ All things to all people (and dogs!)!  LOL  :)  We love you!!!
 PANIC... OMG... hung up on Horses... ran into my bedroom, several steps behind Donna, who'd put Claire down to go check on that noise... praying to GOD it was the dogs in their crate thumping their legs... NO WAY Lola could've possibly... SURELY NOT... I left her almost in the CENTER of our King-sized bed just 2 minutes prior... she's "non-mobile"... NO... OMG, NO!!!!!!! 

Yes, I'm Mom of the Year.  Or maybe Lola is Almost-5-Year-Old-Dwarf-of-the-Year??!?!  But somehow, she managed to dive head-first off our tall bed onto the hardwood floor.  And she CLEARLY did NOT "stick the landing."  This is gonna cost her the gold FO SHO.

There really are no words for what happened next... the regular medical/motherly head-to-toe body assessment...reassurance from Donna that there would've been NO way I could've predicted that would happen... EXTREME GUILT on my part... paralyzing fear... worry... adrenaline rush... are her pupils the same size?.... yes... red marks/pre-bruises? ... yes, in two places... by right eyebrow... on left side of forehead... OMG, I am the WORST MOTHER EVER... how could I have let this happen to my precious baby?!??!! ... is she OK?... she's aware... she cried, but she's stopped now... sucking like she's hungry???... should I feed her???... I SUCK as a mother... OMG... I should NEVER have left her on the bed even for ONE MINUTE -- yet I've done so THOUSANDS of times with no problem... what have I done?!??!... where's the Arnica gel???... oh wait, now she's getting tired... did I hurt her brain FURTHER?... should I wake her up or let her sleep?... is she groggier than normal?... F'in A, I let my 10 pound baby fall off my bed onto her TINY HEAD... OMFG...

This is the tip of the iceberg of what transpired, but suffice it to say, she sucked down a whole 4-oz. bottle 15 minutes later (in 5 minutes flat!), burped like normal (no spit-up -- YEAH! -- that dwarf KNEW I'd have panicked if she vomited), got sleepy like usual, and drifted off.  I forced her to wake up after 10-15 minutes, being the paranoid mother I am...and she was fine.  Pupils looked good, red spots faded, one little bruise remaining on her eye/eyebrow area.  SO.  FLIPPIN'.  MAD.  AT.  MYSELF!  I cannot see straight.
I.  SUCK.  Notice the bruise on right eyebrow area?!  I am SO SORRY, Mrs. Pocket... OMG.
Stickin' it to me... REALLY ampin' up Mama's guilt factor.  THANKS, Polly Ann.  I'm gonna blame the Nun for this bad boy.  LOL
 Mommy guilt's a bitch, yo.  Tryin' to let it go, know it wasn't my fault (but honestly, it WAS -- I should NEVER have left her there... not even to take one little phone call), and YES, I know that shit happens, but I still feel like crap.

As I type this, she's sleeping peacefully on the couch (I may or may not have duct taped her to it to prevent another basejumping attempt -- kidding!) & I'm about to go wake her up one last time to be sure all is OK (I've been watching her breathe as she sleeps... and not for ONE SECOND do I feel this is neurotic.  I do it ALL the time.  Did it this morning with Claire, too.  One tiny slice of our life I wish I didn't have to do/worry about, but I will NOT focus on it, just honor my needs & MOVE THE HELL ON!). 

I need my Mommy license revoked.  :(

I don't know what it is about these to-be-expected extremes that I continue to allow to get me all worked up.  (did that make ANY sense?!)  If I know they're coming, WHY can I not just stay calm & not let myself get too high or low when they occur?  Easier said than done?!  I don't know... I just have SO MUCH INVESTED IN THESE KIDS OF MINE.  Every day I am searching to find ways to optimize/better/jazz up their lives (Horses, for example!).  I research new supplements, schedule maintenance visits with our chiro (whom we LOVE!), meditate with the girls, remove as much drama/stress as possible from their lives & our own, speak positively to them, believe in them, honor their lives (partly by creating this blog) -- ANYTHING and EVERYTHING possible to make all right with their worlds.  And ONE "slip-up" -- which may or may not be "my fault" -- can bring me to my knees as their Mom, make me fall to a heap of tears & sobs & those gaspy heaves which remind me how fragile their lives are -- or maybe how fragile ALL OF LIFE IS. 

And I question it all for those tough few minutes/hours/days... AM I living my life to the fullest?  AM I loving each moment ENOUGH?
 Just wish I could forever protect my babies... and today reminds me that I CANNOT *ALWAYS* do that.  And there really are no words to describe how much that scares the SHIT out of me.  I must remember...
"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today."  ~William Allen White
I'm pressin' on... and I WILL call back Horses & get that show on the road.  I want more of THIS for my girls...
September 13, 2005 ~ Our 4-year-old wrangler, Claire-bug!

CUTEST.  THING.  I'VE.  **EVER**.  SEEN!!!!!  Our little cowgirl, Claire ~ age 4. 
Ride 'em, Bucka-Roo!!!!!!!!  October 4, 2005
So yeah, now I'm thinking... screw EMF's.  Cordless phones are soundin' pretty damn good again.  :)


Heather Fiebelkorn said...

Big hugs to you. None of us are perfect moms, though we surely wish we could be. To fail as a protector is a kick in the gut, but it's inevitable. You feel like crud now, but you are mom of the year - I guarantee none of your three would trade you for any other mom in the world. You do your best each and every day and you love beyond measure. That makes you the best mom any lucky child could ever have. Forgive yourself for being human. Sending big hugs and much love your way! Tomorrow will be a better day!

Skylar said...

Honey. I fail almost on a daily basis. And yes, mommy guilt is impossibly awful. We all have breakdown moments. You are allowed. But you love your family in a way that is so pure, so real, so...full. And they know it. That's all any mother can do. Allow yourself the bad days, because there will be so many good ones that will be all the sweeter because of it. I love you all.

Unknown said...

First, let me say that what you and Scott do for all your children is amazing G. You are wonderful parents. Your girls have enriched the lives of all of us. Some people may call Lola and Claire "special". But to those that are blessed to love Lola and Claire know how truly "special" they are.

Now, moving on to the dismount. You have GOT to get Lola into some gymnastics training or something. It is obvious that she is gifted for a 'dwarf'. I mean, do I need to come over and show her how to do a shoulder roll? You know how that turns out. :-)

Love you all

Jeff LeFevre said...

Wanna feel better about yourself? I stepped away from my boy for 30 seconds to wash my hands, turned around as he crawled off the edge of the bed with this cute little innocent smile on his face like "watch this, daddy!" and THUD! Luckily he landed on his chest and I didn't see any bruises. Just trauma. And I'm a douchebag.
Point is...I guess these things happen. They suck, but they happen. Don't feel bad about it! And please, keep up the posts. I don't know if you know how much it helps me and my wife to see that others are going through the same things we are. (Hell, you do it TWICE!) Good work, you're a great mommy!

helicopter Mum of 6 ♡ said...

I still can't figure out how she made it from the middle of the bed to the floor!? That girl can fly! Maybe one of the dogs nudged her off haha?! Maybe it was a team effort!? I mean, also having non mobile kids it's just hard to picture! What.. A little stunt woman. Scott's idea for a helmet is brilliant - put in an order for 4 of them :)

Amiecn said...

I say all the time that I can manage the "cups" on my "scales" quite well...but there is often times when one tiny "grain of salt" will tip my scales and send me reeling.

We can only be wonderwomen MOST of the time...not ALL of the time!

I love you and I am SO glad you jumped on the blog-wagon!

rosontheroad.blogspot.com said...

Just so beautifully and generously written. Thank you fantabulous mama for sharing. I totally know the feeling. You are a wonderful mama!
Much love to you and your gorgeous girls/fantastic family.

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