I don't like to go into details about all that is "wrong" with my girls for many reasons. First of all, we spend probably 98% of our lives not really dwelling on that shit. It brings us down, it makes the focus of our lives feel very negative, and honestly, we don't feel that is good for our family in ANY WAY. It's not living, in our opinion. WE CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.
What made it even worse was that Scott was out of town for 5 loooong days/nights for business. And I had PMS. And I had just completed a 10-day detox recently & I was still grasping for things that I could/should eat as I reintroduced foods. And both girls were sick with colds and/or ear infections. And their track records precede them with shitty behavior while Daddy is gone, and maybe I put "The Secret" into practice a bit much by worrying they WOULD be bad?!??! Suffice it to say stress levels were runnin' high, and that could not have friggin' helped.
Night 1 began with the dwarves not tapping out till 45 minutes before I had to get up for the day. Yes, you read that correctly; my
Sleep came easier the next few nights, though it remained broken due to the girls not feeling well. Claire's g-tube was oozin' like a mofo, and I resorted to some ancient home remedies to treat it (and I'll be damned if they didn't work pretty well!). I continued to grow more and more concerned about Lola's inability to eat as she had before, ALMOST resorting to having my friend/neighbor (a nurse) help me put an NG tube down her nose so I could feed her. And considering the fact that I've used an NG tube several times in the past with Lola and once before with Claire, you would think that would not bother me... but for some reason, it SO DID. (Click here to view my 2011 Feeding Tube Awareness week video, which shows both of my girls' dependence on tubes to help sustain their lives and nourish them ideally.)
It had been several years since Lola's last need for an NG tube, and I sort of felt we were beyond that. I'd hoped that she might never need it again, as well as she has always eaten. I've always had the supplies on hand JUST IN CASE, but I kept them sort of hoping that if I did, I'd never need to bust 'em out & use 'em. Leave it up to my rowdy girl to down a 4 oz. bottle (almost normally) 3 minutes before the NG tube was going to be placed. So, we held off, and I'm happy to report that she is MUCH BETTER now and her feeds have essentially returned to her normal (knuckles sore from knocking wood).
This life, these emotions, these situations... they are SO UNPREDICTABLE. They catch me off-guard, they derail me, and they make everything else in my life seem so unimportant. I realize once again that all that REALLY matters is love... the relationships which bring me joy... the precious time spent with those we care about... and laughing a whole helluva lot. Maybe this
I think that wave of fear that rushed over me and brought tears to my eyes occurred because in my mind, placing the NG tube was an admission that I COULD NO LONGER FEED MY CHILD. And I think my mind jumped to the fact that this could possible equal a permanent g-tube placement for Lola as well. (And it didn't help that Scott was also feeling this way halfway across the country... normally we're not both having these vulnerable moments simultaneously, dammit.) And while I deal many times daily with Claire's g-tube & have for almost 8 years, I still do NOT want to go there with Mrs. Pocket unless absolutely necessary (there truly are no words to describe how incredibly terrified I am to use anesthesia with my 10 lb. daughter who is sooooo super sensitive to even TYLENOL). I am desperately clinging to that last "normal" baby thing we have with her (and Claire, for that matter, even though they're 5 & 10 years old). And while I do not feel I'm clinging to it at Lola's expense (normally she eats like a pig!), I still so badly do not want her to lose the ability to DRINK A BOTTLE. I don't want two goddamned IV poles in my bedroom, flanking our bed, thankyouverymuch! The one shitty, teetery, Kangaroo-pump sportin', royal-blue-Ice-Age-insulated-cooler/bag/clamp-totin' pole we've got is PLENTY. See what I mean?!
|Thank God you can only see PART of this awesome set-up in all it's splendor! Even Claire thinks it's a joke. Any suggestions on how to accomplish the same thing & yet "beautify" that bad boy?! It's humiliating. And it's in *MY* bedroom!|
All I know is that I'm HAPPY again. And I DO feel refocused. But after a total of 24 hours and 45 minutes of sleep in 5 nights, I'm tired as fu....... Zzzzzzzzzzzz....
"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses, who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke