Tuesday, March 06, 2012

I got the shaft... and not the good kind

I am typically a pretty positive person.  As mentioned in my last oh-so-cheery post (sorry for being Debbie Downer... gotta go there sometimes), that random, shitty 2% jumps up & bites me in the ass from time to time.  And while that blows beyond belief, I'm pretty good about rallying, moving past it, remembering to be more present, focusing on the moment, blah blah blah.  Those times do tend to screw with my head/heart/emotions/well-being when they hit, but thankfully they're short-lived and I'm able to process and learn from all we went through.

Occasionally though, however, I am presented with a more comical problem.  A feisty dilemma.  A definite QUANDARY (first use of that word in my life!  WOO!).  You all know it... you've all been there.  Suddenly, you realize in that very moment  ~  you just KNOW you're f*cked.  It can be minor or more involved, but it's not as stressful.  It doesn't STING so much.  It's impact is not so heavy on your life long-term.  It is but a wee, little hiccup in your day.  You can almost laugh about it even as you're going through it.  It's a pain in the ass, yes, but it's bearable.

I happen to have some pictorial examples of some recent shaftings (thankfully most of these are fairly minor) that I'd like to share with all of you.  Sort of a visual set of my own personal "epic fails," as we all are sooooo sick of hearing about.  Go ahead, delight in my misfortunes.  It's OK.

1.)  I present to you our new license tag...

Why yes, yes we WERE given a license tag with DIX all over it.  Scott & I will be stuck with this bad boy for the next 5 years or so.  Probably just in time to be given KOK!  Or VAG.  It's OK, we don't mind.  Scott literally broke out in celebration when he saw this.  How.  Immature.  (and I like it!) 

Funny side note:  Probably 2 weeks prior, I was out & about and saw a different DIX license tag on the back of a car I was stopped behind at a stoplight.  I said OUT LOUD, "Poor bastards."  And then >FF> to me opening up the envelope with anticipation to bust out some DIX of my own.  Sweet, sweet karma.

2.)  I saw my dog outside the doggie door begging to come in the other day & he looked SO cute.  I rushed over with a camera to take his picture, because partly I was cracking up about the fact we have now had a doggie door for A MF YEAR & he STILL cannot figure this shit out (he's 14... old dog... new tricks... it's ALL TRUE!!!!!!).  But I also found this hysterical because he fully expects me to wait on him paw &... ummm, PAW (is that right?!) all day every day with his dumping/pissing needs.  Something about it just made me giggle.  So, I go to the door, camera in hand, to find THIS sad display...


I present to you Snots, AKA Prefontaine.  And yes, he does have some sort of long-term (we're talkin' 3-4 years now?!), unidentified allergen (which was thought to be nasal cancer at one time) which has resulted in enormous amounts of green, stringy snot rockets being blown from his nose possibly 10-20 times daily.  We find them EVERYWHERE.  On the floor mostly, but also on the backs of dining room chairs, on the walls, on our bed, in/on/around his crate, on dog blankets, on dog beds, on the couch (both side and seat, but mostly side), and my personal favorite --> smeared all over the windows which flank the front door.  Classyyyyy. 

And yes, they're friggin' HUGE.  Sometimes they're up to 8-10 inches in length (Scott said he could help me measure them... HA!) and earthworm-size in girth.  Just... EWWWWWWWW.  I happened to catch a rarely seen leaf-stuck loogie with my iPhone above, swinging around with gusto.  For the record, Pre made NO attempt to free this dangler... he just let it whip ferociously in the wind.  Every time Cal sees this, he sings, "He whips his snot back & forth, he whips his snot back & forth..." till I want to throw myself off our deck.  Good times.

ADDENDUM:  As typing this blog, Snots one-upped his previous efforts with the mother of all snotsicles.  I captured it in motion, too.  Score! 
F'in allergies BLOW.  Literally.
3.)  #14 ranked Wichita State Shockers fell in their conference tournament by 1 point in the semifinals.  Refereeing was so freakin' BRUTAL, it likely cost us our game.  Thankfully we will still make the NCAA tourney (after winning the NIT in 2011). I love this team (my alma mater!), but MAN this loss hurt in Shocker Nation...


4.)  Polly Ann Pocket saved up this massive dump for our recent visit to Outback Steakhouse.  Pretty sure we didn't win any brownie points with this hot mess... yikes. 
Mrs. Poopypants hard at work... heels on the table?!?!?  Stellar.
5.)  Speaking of DIX, try explaining THIS ONE to your 8 year old nieces on vacation!  Ummmm, Mr. Donkey needs to go to the bathroom!  He... uhhhh... has a deformed private part.  His... (come on, Gwen, use the TECHNICAL TERM!) PENIS is having some problems at the moment.  Ahhhhh yes.  Auntie Gwen needs to get her shit together story straight!!!

This jackass got the shaft indeed.  Dude's packin'!!!!!  OMG.  Scarred for life.  BAD drive-thru zoo animal showing off your junk!!!!!  There are young kids around!!!!!!  Holy balls (though they didn't actually make an appearance that day)!!!

6.)  Mrs. Pocket angrily tiptoed through the not-tulips recently...

...only to realize she was not actually IN a beautiful flower garden but instead hijacking a SAM'S CLUB floral display.  How embarrassing.
I will HURT YOU, Motherrrrrrr.
7.)  Attempt #2 at Bantu Knots... though instead of doing 4 of them, we tried just ONE SOLITARY KNOT (Thank you, Tracey!).  Results any better?  You be the judge...
Hello, Medusa.  Oh sorry, I mistook you for someone else.

Channelling her inner Marge Simpson
Sympathy light socket moment.  Damn peer pressure!  Oh, and we're SO done with Bantu knots unless we are scheduling bath time and/or a 1970's disco-themed shindig immediately following knot-removal.

8.)  My girls' reactions to being featured in the Foundation for Children with Microcephaly 2012 calendar...
Does that picture make me look fat?

Miss February in total awe...pissed that February's over!!!
9.)  An oldie-but-goodie pic from the end of 2011, taken at our awesome, local zoo with our dear friends from New Zealand.  Mrs. Pocket's screamin' FOUL on this comparison...
And for the record, she was in the bottom third of all penguins, comparing overall height/size.  That's just SAD.
Love you, Mackereth family!  xoxo
10.)  This poster...
Wish I'd had this for my shart blog -- notice the name of the chocolate bar is SHATZ!  Classic.  I hope to never share THAT with a friend.  Oh wait, I already did...
And why again is that dude feeding that other dude some chocolate while a 3rd dude watches on?  AWK-WARD.  And no one is smiling either.  What... a bunch of creepers (as my 7th grader says).
11.)  This is more of just a "fail" moment, but had to share an example of my paramount photography from this past week... taken in a dark car with the suuuuuper bright LED flash on my iPhone, in case you're trying to replicate this shit & all. 
Happy (early?!) St. Patrick's themed school dance (on March 1st?!)!  You two are adorable even if you're squinting!!!
12.)  OK, so as you know from point #3 above, we're diehard WSU fans.  We have season tickets to the men's basketball games, and we never miss a one.  So here's a few pictures from my camera roll, taken at two different games this year.  You can imagine my surprise when I am expecting all of them to be similar to THIS...

... and instead getting a majority that looked like THIS.  Hosed again.




And my personal favorite...
Glad I curled my hair for this bullshit.  HA!  We didn't even get ONE nice shot.  THIS was the cream of the crop.  WTF?!??!?  JACKWIPES!
13.)  The PERFECT representation of my game (and perhaps my life this past month or two... just been CRAZY here at The Hooligan House!)...
I give you my single-word title for this masterpiece...  "F*CKED"

And yes, I did do this all by myself WITH AN ACTUAL BOWLING BALL in one roll. 

(Let's just say I did NOT pick up the spare.  Big surprise.)
14.)  This one is all from the boob tube, so I cannot take any credit.  I just put 2 + 2 together, as it was clearly a no-brainer.

On ESPN... this made me laugh out loud:

There was only one answer that I could come up with, albeit unrelated...

"If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different... I'd rather be completely fucking mental."
~Angelina Jolie

xo

8 comments:

Farmers Wifey said...

Hello lovely, found you on Cirle of Moms, Love your blog and your gorgeous family! Your newest follower xx

Gwen said...

Awwww, thanks! I'm headed over to your blog to check it out right now. GOOD LUCK to you, too! :)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Dang-et, can't get all your pictures to load because of my slloooowwww internetz connection. But you're cracking me the hell up anyway. Think imma gonna put you on my blogroll this weekend, Mrs. DIX. :)

Gwen said...

Dammit about the pics, Dawn! That BLOWS! And THANKS for the props on the blogroll! <3 You ROCK, you know. I LMAO HARD at your most recent post. SO glad to be subscribed! HUGS, GIRLIE! xo

VICTORIA ROMERO said...

Your blog was recommended on our stop the R word facebook page! I enjoyed reading your posts! I will be back for more laughs and insight! Have a great night! God Bless!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry and in no way do I intend on offending you. But what disability or condition does your daughter have?

Gwen said...

Anonymous - click on the Claire & Lola tabs at the top of this blog for more info on the girls! :)

Michele Bacus said...

You might be the funniest person to inspire me in a long while! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! While I don't blog (wish I would) I do Instagram...I follow you there too! @michenmaris (Michele)

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