Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Mini Monopoly Match-up for the Masses ~ The Finale

As we last joined the Monopoly World Dwarf Championship in progress, we were left with quite the pathetic scene.  Lola "Mrs. Pocket" Hartley had damn near lost everything -- her money, hotels, properties & most of all, HER PRIDE -- all at the mercy of Fighting Nun, reigning Ultra-Extreme Lightweight Boxing Champion of the World.  This rematch was proving to be quite a doozy, with multiple lead-changes, late-game surges, and a whole shit ton of strategery going on, let me tell you.  I don't know about you all, but I cannot wait to see the transcendental turnout of this epic showdown. 

If you are jonesin' for a recap of this tiny toss-up, click HERE for Part 1 and click HERE for Part 2.  The Gospel according to Gwen.

Let's rejoin the game during its miraculous moment of truth...
Mrs. Pocket has thought things through thoroughly, picked herself up, dusted herself off, grown a pair (HA!), and she is now fully aware of what she should do next... 

... REBEL.

F*CK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!
(How many of you find it ironic/hilarious/ridiculous that I only starred out the F-bomb but not the word "shit?!")

She's an angry elf.

I'll show you Water Barf Works, muthaf*ckaaaaaaaaaas!
(think Mr. Chow from The Hangover, one of Mrs. Pocket's favorite movies)

Bankrupt, my ass.  I will BITE YOU.

This is what I think of your f'ing Monopoly...

FML.
(Tryin' to drown out her sorrows with that empty forty 4-ounce...)

Peace be with you!  How... inappropriate.

How you like that lucky poker hat & glasses NOW, chump?!  This Sister's about to get lucky alright!!!

Let the party begin!  AMEN!!!
(I won't tell you how we toyed with the idea of rolling up a fake blunt for this scene...but we don't condone drug use, so we didn't...
but you KNOW that shit would've been FUNNY.)

Nun sings:  "We can pop bottles all night, baby you can have whatever you like...(you like)"
(In the immortal words of T.I.)
(I also won't tell you how we dug through all our old toy boxes hoping to find a naked Ken doll or 4 that we could pose with Nun precariously.
We are SO going to hell for that comment.)

I repent!!!  I REPENT!!!!!

CUT TO COMMERCIAL!  CUT TO COMMERCIAL STAT!

Wow, folks.  That was unexpected.  I apologize for not putting a PG-13 rating on this climactic finale.  Holy buckets (shout-out to my friends Up North!). 

Oh wait... very interesting... we're now hearing some breaking news out of Hartley's corner post-tantrum.  Apparently her "team" filed a protest against Nun for violating Rule 6.4.7 in the official Monopoly Handbook which states: 

"No player will be allowed to execute a 'sleeper hold' or any other chokehold variation unless aforementioned player is in direct possession of all 4 Railroad properties simultaneously.  Then, and ONLY then, will this type of conduct be allowed or encouraged.  Violation of this rule will result in immediate disqualification from the competition."

Therefore, Nun just got RAILROADED!  By default, our Monopoly World Dwarf Champion will be...

LOLA "MRS. POCKET" HARTLEY!!!!!

 A big, wet kiss (and possibly more!) for my hubby, Scott, for helping me with this titillating trifecta.  It was nothing short of miraculous the way you held up both Lola AND the Nun with such fierce accuracy and precision.  I love you so much, baby!  (Scott really appreciates my use of the word "titillating" above.  He's a big kid, you guys.)

xoxo

1 comment:

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

You are CRAZY!! Laughing my azz off over here, especially 'F*ck that shit'. I mean you are a true nut-bar.
I love you. ;0)
Congrats, Lola! xxoo!!

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